"Come on weather man give us a forecast snowy white
Can't you hear the prayer of every childlike heart tonight?
Rockies are calling, Denver snow's falling .
Somebody says it's four feet deep.
It doesn't matter, give me the laughter
I'm gonna choose to keep...."
... John Denver's warmth filtered through my car interior as I navigated the downtown streets, laden with cars on either side and heavy with people milling about window shopping, making court appearances, and traversing from the loft aparentments to campus.
"Another tender Tennessee Christmas
It's the only Christmas for me
Where the love circles around us
like the gifts under our tree
Well I know there's more snow
Up in Colorado than my roof will ever see
but a tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me."
... Beautiful and powerful, these lines undid time and space, reminding me of my own tender Christmases with my foster family in Tennessee. Tears streamed down my face as I let the moment consume me. If I am honest with myself, I'm homesick most of the time, but I don't often let myself feel it. The light would be changing soon, I remind myself as I swipe at the remaining evidence on my face. Roll on....
The song still played as I pulled into a parking space, but the power of its words no longer stung so much. I had purged the emotions for the time being. But as I sit here, with my back pressed against a dirty concrete wall, waiting for my class, I wander aimlessly through my mind....
What makes Christmas at home so special? And what makes me miss my foster parents and foster siblings so much that a John Denver song reduces me to tears? They play it every year, but I don't ever cry when I hear it. I usually sing along. Why is that different this year?
It's been a difficult year with the near desolving of my marriage, the trainwreck of my husband losing his job, the brokenness of coming to grips with his extramarital affair, and the nearly insurmountable task of piecing our lives back together and solidifying our marriage. So I suppose that perhaps I'm just more reflective this year. But it goes deeper....
Maybe it's the joy I felt, surrounded by excited tots and teens, that stirs up so much emotion this holiday season as I remember Christmas at Hidden Valley? No, my own children are just as excited as the siblings were there, it must go deeper than this too. I wonder.
It goes to my heart, to my own sense of belonging, a sense of acceptance and non-judgement, the instillment of self-worth. It touches the core of who I am to be home with them, to be anywhere with them, for that is where my identity took shape, where I was nourished and sustained. I miss home not because of where it is, but because of what it is and who it is.
It is the feeling of belonging, the knowing that I am accepted just as I am, with nothing more. I don't need to put on masks or wear smiles if I don't feel like it. At home, I am at peace, surrounded by those who know me better than I know myself. At home, I am loved and cherished, and I created something in my world there. I was part of something greater, a community of broken souls yearning for wholeness.
Here, in the wilderness, I am alone and I often lose my way without my north star, my guiding force, my family. So I miss them and I yearn to see them, to be with them and bask in their love and joy this Christmas seasona. But I will be with them... in spirit even if not literally.
"A tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me...." sounds beautiful in North Carolina. It speaks to snow-covered places in my heart today. And for a while, I was able to brush the snow from the casket and reminisce, thanks to John Denver.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Subtlety and Suggestion
On my way to class, driving down Market Street with Klove blaring through my car, I heard an interesting adage:
"Subtlety is lost on a man."
The radio announcers were asking men to call the station and weigh in on the topic. Many men agreed, and of course, there were women who agreed as well.
Naturally, I began thinking about my own husband and whether he catches my subtle suggestions with any regularity.
One instance stuck out in my mind. I don't remember why but one day we ended up in a downtown pawnshop, browsing over the cast away items. A clarinet screamed at me from the wall. As a child, I loved to play. Tragically, my clarinet was destroyed in one of my mother's angry fits. I remember telling my husband about this event as we drove home. A few months later, my birthday rolled around and as you might have guessed, his gift to me was a clarinet.
I don't play much anymore. I just don't have time. But every now and then I take that clarinet down and unlock its case. I put it together and feel the keys beneath my fingers. I smile thinking about the gesture from my husband, an attempt to help heal a wound in my spirit from childhood. I keep it not because it's of great monetary value, but because of the love and thoughtfulness my husband poured into that gift. I hope one day that one of our children will decide to play. And maybe one day I will find time to play again too. For now, I'm thankful that my husband saw into my heart and bought me such a precious gift, even when I didn't know I really wanted or needed it. It means so much to me.
So maybe subtlety and suggestions aren't lost on all men all the time, just some men some of the time....
Do you have a story about how your husband, father, or someone special in your life gave you something or did something for you that showed he knew you in a special way? I'd love to hear your story!
"Subtlety is lost on a man."
The radio announcers were asking men to call the station and weigh in on the topic. Many men agreed, and of course, there were women who agreed as well.
Naturally, I began thinking about my own husband and whether he catches my subtle suggestions with any regularity.
One instance stuck out in my mind. I don't remember why but one day we ended up in a downtown pawnshop, browsing over the cast away items. A clarinet screamed at me from the wall. As a child, I loved to play. Tragically, my clarinet was destroyed in one of my mother's angry fits. I remember telling my husband about this event as we drove home. A few months later, my birthday rolled around and as you might have guessed, his gift to me was a clarinet.
I don't play much anymore. I just don't have time. But every now and then I take that clarinet down and unlock its case. I put it together and feel the keys beneath my fingers. I smile thinking about the gesture from my husband, an attempt to help heal a wound in my spirit from childhood. I keep it not because it's of great monetary value, but because of the love and thoughtfulness my husband poured into that gift. I hope one day that one of our children will decide to play. And maybe one day I will find time to play again too. For now, I'm thankful that my husband saw into my heart and bought me such a precious gift, even when I didn't know I really wanted or needed it. It means so much to me.
So maybe subtlety and suggestions aren't lost on all men all the time, just some men some of the time....
Do you have a story about how your husband, father, or someone special in your life gave you something or did something for you that showed he knew you in a special way? I'd love to hear your story!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wishing Everyone a Blessed Holiday!
Hey there friends! I hope you all have a blessed holiday and a happy new year. Here's a collage of some of the girls photos from tonight. Enjoy!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Peanut and Tater say Hello
It's hard to believe but our girls are two and four-and-a-half. Wow! Where did the time go?! Clara turned two on the twenty-first of November. She is talking more and more everyday. I am amazed at her zany personality and the depth of her smile. When she smiles, her eyes light up. I love it!
Hailey is in her last year of preschool and still loving it. She is a little sad now that she knows she probably won't have class with most of her friends next year, but is getting more excited about "kindergarden" everyday. We have not decided if we will be homeschooling, private schooling, or public schooling her yet. Much of this depends on my husband's job situation and my schooling.
Both of our girls are high energy and keep us on our toes. Hailey had the opportunity to go to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa Scott this year. She also met my parents (foster- in case you're confused) in Myrtle Beach and loved that. They are coming down again in the summer, and I am already looking forward to having a whole week to enjoy their company. :) I'm sure the girls will really enjoy that again this year too. They don't get to see my family in Tennessee otherwise. We hope to make it there for Christmas one year. I wish it were this year.
Peanut and Tater are both sticking to their 3rd percentile growth curves and their check ups have been uneventful this year, with nothing major to report. Tater was threatened with tubes for her ears but seems to be out of the woods now :) Peanut had her second annual dental checkup with no cavities and both of the girls seem to have good eyesight thus far :) Thank you Lord!!!!
I'll have to post pictures soon of our gals :)
Hailey is in her last year of preschool and still loving it. She is a little sad now that she knows she probably won't have class with most of her friends next year, but is getting more excited about "kindergarden" everyday. We have not decided if we will be homeschooling, private schooling, or public schooling her yet. Much of this depends on my husband's job situation and my schooling.
Both of our girls are high energy and keep us on our toes. Hailey had the opportunity to go to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa Scott this year. She also met my parents (foster- in case you're confused) in Myrtle Beach and loved that. They are coming down again in the summer, and I am already looking forward to having a whole week to enjoy their company. :) I'm sure the girls will really enjoy that again this year too. They don't get to see my family in Tennessee otherwise. We hope to make it there for Christmas one year. I wish it were this year.
Peanut and Tater are both sticking to their 3rd percentile growth curves and their check ups have been uneventful this year, with nothing major to report. Tater was threatened with tubes for her ears but seems to be out of the woods now :) Peanut had her second annual dental checkup with no cavities and both of the girls seem to have good eyesight thus far :) Thank you Lord!!!!
I'll have to post pictures soon of our gals :)
Moving Forward
Well it's been about four months since the "big meltdown" and we seem to be rebuilding the foundation one brick at a time. My husband went through the prayer ministry at church around the beginning of November and that seems to have helped in many ways. For those things, I am thankful. If someone had asked me if we'd still be working at our marriage four months ago, I would have likely told them no. God is awesome like that, He makes a way where there doesn't seem to be one.
We still have days that are really rough and challenge our commitment to stay together, but we have learned to see these for what they are- 1) attacks from the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy and 2) opportunities to resist the enemy and grow closer together. It's not always easy and sometimes we stop ourselves mid-argument and just say "I'm sorry." Funny how an apology and a hug can bridge so many gaps when they are sincere.
Last night we went out to dinner, to a Coast Guard function. It was really nice to go out and be around other married couples. Hearing stories about what the Reservists do at the station on drills gives me a respect and appreciation for my husband. For example, yesterday that did survival swimming. They had to don wet suits and swim out around the pier and back in the rip current. Can you imagine doing that? I can't. Many of their suits leaked and the cold water rushed in, making swimming that much more difficult. But to my knowledge, they all finished. That's a test of strength and fortitude that I'm not sure I could endure, and it gives me an appreciation and respect for what my husband does when he is away from us for his drill weekends- and also for the men and women with whom he serves.
The girls seem to have come out of this tumultuous time mostly unscathed, and for that the glory goes to God. Early on in all of this a friend and I began praying that God would protect my children from any ill effects from the struggles facing our marriage, and He has. So I give Him praise for that this morning.
Many of you may not have been aware of all this going on in my family, because I purposely separated my blogs to keep it quiet. But now that we seem to be working towards a positive resolution, I wanted to share with you all so that you can encourage and keep us lifted in prayer, and maybe also as a testimony for those who are or will go through similar trials in their marriage. Thank you for reading this with a sincere heart and for not making it a source for gossip. Please hold us up in prayer. We certainly appreciate it.
We still have days that are really rough and challenge our commitment to stay together, but we have learned to see these for what they are- 1) attacks from the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy and 2) opportunities to resist the enemy and grow closer together. It's not always easy and sometimes we stop ourselves mid-argument and just say "I'm sorry." Funny how an apology and a hug can bridge so many gaps when they are sincere.
Last night we went out to dinner, to a Coast Guard function. It was really nice to go out and be around other married couples. Hearing stories about what the Reservists do at the station on drills gives me a respect and appreciation for my husband. For example, yesterday that did survival swimming. They had to don wet suits and swim out around the pier and back in the rip current. Can you imagine doing that? I can't. Many of their suits leaked and the cold water rushed in, making swimming that much more difficult. But to my knowledge, they all finished. That's a test of strength and fortitude that I'm not sure I could endure, and it gives me an appreciation and respect for what my husband does when he is away from us for his drill weekends- and also for the men and women with whom he serves.
The girls seem to have come out of this tumultuous time mostly unscathed, and for that the glory goes to God. Early on in all of this a friend and I began praying that God would protect my children from any ill effects from the struggles facing our marriage, and He has. So I give Him praise for that this morning.
Many of you may not have been aware of all this going on in my family, because I purposely separated my blogs to keep it quiet. But now that we seem to be working towards a positive resolution, I wanted to share with you all so that you can encourage and keep us lifted in prayer, and maybe also as a testimony for those who are or will go through similar trials in their marriage. Thank you for reading this with a sincere heart and for not making it a source for gossip. Please hold us up in prayer. We certainly appreciate it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Focusing on the Positives
Life can be a bumpy ride. The ups and downs can make us sick if we are not prepared through our personal time with God. If our perspective is wrong, something like a confession from your spouse meant to open the lines of communication can turn into a real battlefield for the enemy.
God has been working. He is not silent. I am thankful for this. The confession was heartfelt and I am thankful that my spouse was able to share this struggle with me and ask for my help in his overcoming it. In honor of his request, I took the computer with me to class today. No other computer in our house has internet and the fact that he asked me to do such a thing shows just how much change is happening. God is just amazing....
It could have been a disaster.. but by extending grace and listening to the Holy Spirit as He helped me see why my spouse was telling me these things and asking me to take the computer out of the house when I leave, it brought hope instead of dismay. That's God in the midst of the storm...
Not everything is positive, but I am choosing to focus on what is positive rather than on what is negative. Thus far, to my knowledge, my spouse has honored his commitment to stay off his personal facebook account (and leave it inactivated), get rid of the internet/text/facebook on his phone, and cut all ties... He has taken steps towards building our marriage back up. He has shown signs of repentance and has been vulnerable towards me in his weaknesses so that I can lift him up in prayer. I would love for him to find an accountability partner/group but that is something that God has to show him to do. In the meantime I am thankful for the people who are coming along side him and encouraging him.
He has not yet contacted our Pastor about renewing our vows but we have talked about it on several occassions. He is waiting on the prayer ministry first- and I think that's wise.
I am thankful for progress and looking forward to the future. Continuing in prayer and with grace...
God has been working. He is not silent. I am thankful for this. The confession was heartfelt and I am thankful that my spouse was able to share this struggle with me and ask for my help in his overcoming it. In honor of his request, I took the computer with me to class today. No other computer in our house has internet and the fact that he asked me to do such a thing shows just how much change is happening. God is just amazing....
It could have been a disaster.. but by extending grace and listening to the Holy Spirit as He helped me see why my spouse was telling me these things and asking me to take the computer out of the house when I leave, it brought hope instead of dismay. That's God in the midst of the storm...
Not everything is positive, but I am choosing to focus on what is positive rather than on what is negative. Thus far, to my knowledge, my spouse has honored his commitment to stay off his personal facebook account (and leave it inactivated), get rid of the internet/text/facebook on his phone, and cut all ties... He has taken steps towards building our marriage back up. He has shown signs of repentance and has been vulnerable towards me in his weaknesses so that I can lift him up in prayer. I would love for him to find an accountability partner/group but that is something that God has to show him to do. In the meantime I am thankful for the people who are coming along side him and encouraging him.
He has not yet contacted our Pastor about renewing our vows but we have talked about it on several occassions. He is waiting on the prayer ministry first- and I think that's wise.
I am thankful for progress and looking forward to the future. Continuing in prayer and with grace...
Friday, October 16, 2009
Shaking it Up
The enemy is not happy. He is waging war on us. In the last week I have had three near-accidents while driving. I am a cautious driver and I watch where I am going. The first one on my way to campus, a pedestrian was crossing the street at the wrong time and thankfully I was going slow enough and saw him so I did not have to slam on my breaks- but barely- and that isn't the sort of thing I miss. The most recent, I was going through a parking lot and a truck was parked on one side, I was going to go around when a car came from behind the truck and nearly hit me head on- with the girls in the car.
I say this not to glorify the enemy but to say that God is more powerful. In all of these circumstances, God shielded us and kept the accidents from occurring. He ir our fortress and our shield, our protector.
The enemy has also brought up little things to cause bickering between my spouse and I. This is part of the crazy cycle. Little things that are said that hurt me, cause me to react towards him without respect, which cause him to react without love. And so it spins. Last night it was over my being too tired to watch a movie. Now really, how is that a big deal, certainly not. And the enemy would have loved for us to go to sleep angry but God helped us ask for forgiveness and find peace. Another plan foiled....
Our children have been unruly this week. Now they are kids and kids sometimes are a little stressful but this is out of this world. But as we practice Godly parenting, the enemy is losing this battle for our children.
He is losing the battle for our marriage. He is losing the battle for our home. God is victorious. And the enemy isn't happy. Keep us covered in prayer. There are thousands of things that could crash down on us at any moment - but in God's sustaining power we know and believe that He is going to get us through this and we will be astronger, more united team because of it
Continuing to pray--and walk where God leads and ignore the million other pathways that He isn't leading us down.
I say this not to glorify the enemy but to say that God is more powerful. In all of these circumstances, God shielded us and kept the accidents from occurring. He ir our fortress and our shield, our protector.
The enemy has also brought up little things to cause bickering between my spouse and I. This is part of the crazy cycle. Little things that are said that hurt me, cause me to react towards him without respect, which cause him to react without love. And so it spins. Last night it was over my being too tired to watch a movie. Now really, how is that a big deal, certainly not. And the enemy would have loved for us to go to sleep angry but God helped us ask for forgiveness and find peace. Another plan foiled....
Our children have been unruly this week. Now they are kids and kids sometimes are a little stressful but this is out of this world. But as we practice Godly parenting, the enemy is losing this battle for our children.
He is losing the battle for our marriage. He is losing the battle for our home. God is victorious. And the enemy isn't happy. Keep us covered in prayer. There are thousands of things that could crash down on us at any moment - but in God's sustaining power we know and believe that He is going to get us through this and we will be astronger, more united team because of it
Continuing to pray--and walk where God leads and ignore the million other pathways that He isn't leading us down.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
One Step at a Time
In the last week, I have had the joy and blessing of watching my husband begin to really fight for his life and our marriage- to snatch them back from the hands of the enemy. It has been a wonderful encouragement to watch and also a spiritual battlefield in our lives.
As he closed his personal facebook account, I stood in amazement at God working in such a little thing. He gave me the phone bill and asked me to call the company and have his text messaging, internet, and facebook turned off on his phone. I did so and he seemed relieved. We talked about having a program like SafeEyes in the future on our computer as a preventative measure, a good wall between him and temptation. I have watched him begin reading the word and praying again. He met with a friend and mentor and that was another positive step. We have started reading a book about marriage together, and praying together. All these things initiated by him. What a blessing!
The other day he said that he wanted to renew our vows- after he completes the freedom ministry. I think this is a wonderful idea! He has no idea how that has spoken to my womanly heart. How much hope that births in my spirit. He said he would call our pastor today and talk to him about it and find out if there were any steps we needed to complete before doing this. I stand in amazement at how when we step back and get out of God's way, He takes over and works a miracle where we have failed.
Communication has been better between us for the most part. Yesterday we took a spin on the crazy cycle but we both recognized it and later that night we were able to talk about it and reflect on how we might have done things differently. We both apologized and had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness for our lack of respect and lack of love toward each other. Another coin deposited into the love bank :) Another step in the right direction.
We have a long road ahead of us but I am convinced that we will get through this. I am convinced that we are stronger because of this and that God will use this. I sit here, so very thankful for the man God gave me to love and cherish in this life and so thankful for the restoration and redemption that is working itself out in our lives.
As he closed his personal facebook account, I stood in amazement at God working in such a little thing. He gave me the phone bill and asked me to call the company and have his text messaging, internet, and facebook turned off on his phone. I did so and he seemed relieved. We talked about having a program like SafeEyes in the future on our computer as a preventative measure, a good wall between him and temptation. I have watched him begin reading the word and praying again. He met with a friend and mentor and that was another positive step. We have started reading a book about marriage together, and praying together. All these things initiated by him. What a blessing!
The other day he said that he wanted to renew our vows- after he completes the freedom ministry. I think this is a wonderful idea! He has no idea how that has spoken to my womanly heart. How much hope that births in my spirit. He said he would call our pastor today and talk to him about it and find out if there were any steps we needed to complete before doing this. I stand in amazement at how when we step back and get out of God's way, He takes over and works a miracle where we have failed.
Communication has been better between us for the most part. Yesterday we took a spin on the crazy cycle but we both recognized it and later that night we were able to talk about it and reflect on how we might have done things differently. We both apologized and had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness for our lack of respect and lack of love toward each other. Another coin deposited into the love bank :) Another step in the right direction.
We have a long road ahead of us but I am convinced that we will get through this. I am convinced that we are stronger because of this and that God will use this. I sit here, so very thankful for the man God gave me to love and cherish in this life and so thankful for the restoration and redemption that is working itself out in our lives.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Lessons Learned
Through this battle for my marriage, which really took on a new dimension about two months ago, I have learned many lessons- often difficult ones. I share them now hoping they will somehow help another woman or man on this difficult but rewarding road of reclaiming their marriage back from the hands of the enemy.
I have learned that God is constant. Everything else in my life can change in a moment but God is faithful and true. He can strip away my husband, my children, my income, my friends, my family, and everything else. If I have God, I will be okay.
I have learned the power of godly love. There were times when I could have lost it, blown up over the situation or crumbled under the heartbreak but instead made the decision to love- even when in return I would be slapped (figuratively speaking) in the face for making the right choice. Choosing love doesn't mean the other person is right, it means you are choosing to do things God's way and God loves them and so you choose to react in love and kindness rather than in the flesh.
I have learned the power of just shutting up. The first six weeks I probably spent most of the time TALKING about the situation. Talking about how to fix it, talking to my husband about what he needed to do and had to do, talking to God about how much this has hurt me. On Thursday this week at my women's Bible study I committed to getting out of God's way and letting God do what He needed to do in my husband. I committed to continue praying with my husband but to not speak of the situation unless my husband brought it up or unless God specifically gave me something to say. Twenty four to forty-eight hours later my husband sent me an email (since he was out of state) telling me he was ready to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage and get things right, and that he was tired of letting the enemy win. The fight isn't over yet- but God accomplished more in those two days than I or anyone else had in 6 weeks. Which brings me to my next point.
I've learned that only God speaks my husband's language. No, I'm not talking about love languages here- although knowing those are beneficial to a marriage. I'm talking actual heart-to-heart language. You see, God speaks to each of us uniquely and all my talking to my husband, trying to encourage him to do the right thing, trying to help him understand what so many people were asking of him and why they were asking those things, never got through to him. But the moment I began to understand that God is the only one who can speak into his heart in that way and let loose the controls, things began to change a little at a time.
I've learned that living in freedom is a daily walk. Each morning we get up and must put on the armor of God and claim our freedom in Christ. Neglecting to do this is going into battle without any weapons- we will be defeated in a matter of moments. We must arm ourselves for the spiritual battle just as well as we would arm ourselves for a physical battle.
I've learned that I am NOT my circumstances, NOT my problems, NOT my husband's problems, and NOT my wounds. I am someone entirely beautiful and beloved of God. I am His daughter. I am strong in ways I never saw, and beautiful in ways that only God can see. He cherishes me and finds value in me. Who I am, is not a settled question. But my identity is first as a daughter of God, and second as the person God created me to be- whoever she is. Beyond that I am a GOOD mother, a GOOD wife, and a GOOD friend. God is slowly revealing my person, but it is taking time and my personality seems to be taking shape as I walk in my God-given freedom and in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned that even in a bleak reality, God grants hope. My circumstances don't own me. Even when the world is crumbling, I can have confidence that God is in control, that He can work things out for my good and His glory, and that I can look forward to the future. The clouds won't always be gray. The sun won't always be hidden.
I've learned the importance of having one or two godly women in my life who can provide support, encouragement, and wisdom and speak into my life. Women who pray with me and hold me accountable for my own issues. I am thankful for these women in my life and cherish the relationships that are developing there.
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I will have more as I continue on this journey to reclaim my marriage alongside my husband. God is good and He desires His best for us. He doesn't do anything half way!
I have learned that God is constant. Everything else in my life can change in a moment but God is faithful and true. He can strip away my husband, my children, my income, my friends, my family, and everything else. If I have God, I will be okay.
I have learned the power of godly love. There were times when I could have lost it, blown up over the situation or crumbled under the heartbreak but instead made the decision to love- even when in return I would be slapped (figuratively speaking) in the face for making the right choice. Choosing love doesn't mean the other person is right, it means you are choosing to do things God's way and God loves them and so you choose to react in love and kindness rather than in the flesh.
I have learned the power of just shutting up. The first six weeks I probably spent most of the time TALKING about the situation. Talking about how to fix it, talking to my husband about what he needed to do and had to do, talking to God about how much this has hurt me. On Thursday this week at my women's Bible study I committed to getting out of God's way and letting God do what He needed to do in my husband. I committed to continue praying with my husband but to not speak of the situation unless my husband brought it up or unless God specifically gave me something to say. Twenty four to forty-eight hours later my husband sent me an email (since he was out of state) telling me he was ready to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage and get things right, and that he was tired of letting the enemy win. The fight isn't over yet- but God accomplished more in those two days than I or anyone else had in 6 weeks. Which brings me to my next point.
I've learned that only God speaks my husband's language. No, I'm not talking about love languages here- although knowing those are beneficial to a marriage. I'm talking actual heart-to-heart language. You see, God speaks to each of us uniquely and all my talking to my husband, trying to encourage him to do the right thing, trying to help him understand what so many people were asking of him and why they were asking those things, never got through to him. But the moment I began to understand that God is the only one who can speak into his heart in that way and let loose the controls, things began to change a little at a time.
I've learned that living in freedom is a daily walk. Each morning we get up and must put on the armor of God and claim our freedom in Christ. Neglecting to do this is going into battle without any weapons- we will be defeated in a matter of moments. We must arm ourselves for the spiritual battle just as well as we would arm ourselves for a physical battle.
I've learned that I am NOT my circumstances, NOT my problems, NOT my husband's problems, and NOT my wounds. I am someone entirely beautiful and beloved of God. I am His daughter. I am strong in ways I never saw, and beautiful in ways that only God can see. He cherishes me and finds value in me. Who I am, is not a settled question. But my identity is first as a daughter of God, and second as the person God created me to be- whoever she is. Beyond that I am a GOOD mother, a GOOD wife, and a GOOD friend. God is slowly revealing my person, but it is taking time and my personality seems to be taking shape as I walk in my God-given freedom and in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned that even in a bleak reality, God grants hope. My circumstances don't own me. Even when the world is crumbling, I can have confidence that God is in control, that He can work things out for my good and His glory, and that I can look forward to the future. The clouds won't always be gray. The sun won't always be hidden.
I've learned the importance of having one or two godly women in my life who can provide support, encouragement, and wisdom and speak into my life. Women who pray with me and hold me accountable for my own issues. I am thankful for these women in my life and cherish the relationships that are developing there.
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I will have more as I continue on this journey to reclaim my marriage alongside my husband. God is good and He desires His best for us. He doesn't do anything half way!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hope for the Future
A wise frend of mine told me recently to visualize my life beyond all these storms. What will it look like? What will I have possibly learned? How will I be transformed?
I sat here thinking about this tonight... Sorry, I just had an intense urge to go outside and watch the sky turn dark. Be back to this in a few....
Ahhh, the goodness of God. I don't know what it is about my backyard but something about it is amazingly peaceful. It's not the most beautiful piece of creation but it certainly draws me closer to my heavenly Father.
As I sat there tonight, I asked God to show me that He was here. He sent me some chirping crickets- a perfect ochestra for my poetic heart. It is such a blessing to know that He is here with me, and cares enough to show me that fact. What a loving Daddy.
The wind blew softly this evening as the sun was setting, and as the wind blew past me I heard a still small voice in my heart. "Child, I love you. I see you. I hear your prayers," it seemed to say to me. I smiled and thanked God for His creation, His ability to speak to me through that creation, and His enduring and unconditional love. There is so much hope in Jesus. So much joy and peace.
I felt the change the minute I walked out the door and sat down. My spirit settled, and my mind stilled for a few moments. I was at peace and my soul had a song all it's own. There is something amazing about it all, some divine gift that only my heart can see. Who else in my family experiences these moments in the backyard?
My children find happiness, playing and chasing each other around the green expanse with a hedge of trees running from one end of the yards end to the other. My husband finds quiet time in his dimly lit shop or standing watch over the grilling meat. Those are good things. But what I find there is a sanctuary, a restorative place for my heart and spirit. A place that invites, no welcomes the voice of God and speaks to my very innermost parts.
My foster mom has a place like this- or at least she did when I lived there. It was her deck. She used to sit out there summer, winter, fall, spring. I always thought it peculiar, but I understand it now. That was her place to talk to God- to lay her own heart bare before Him and to study His word and find renewal for her spirit. It spoke to her the way my blotchy green backyward speaks to me. Something about nature must have been designed by God to nurture our spirits. Going to the beach often breathes poetry into my words. Sitting in my backyard breathes life into my bones, peace into my heart. Where do you get away that speaks to you this way?
The hope of God. The hope of God says that I will not always be here. That we will move beyond these places. I believe in my heart that we will- I include my husband in this. I do not know God's plan or how He will accomplish it but I know it is God's desire to restore and strengthen and reclaim our marriage and our lives. I know that God desires His best for us and for our children. I also know that my heavenly Father is so much stronger than the enemy who is attacking us. So the future looks bright when I think of it in terms of God's will and promises. His Word says that He desires to bring us a hope and a future. That's enough to keep on hanging on for now :)
Lord thank You for Your amazing creation and for the way You speak to my heart. Thank You for Your peace, joy, and love that You give so freely. Thank You for the reminder that You hear the cries of our hearts. Teach us to listen more to Your heart and a little less to our own. Amen
I sat here thinking about this tonight... Sorry, I just had an intense urge to go outside and watch the sky turn dark. Be back to this in a few....
Ahhh, the goodness of God. I don't know what it is about my backyard but something about it is amazingly peaceful. It's not the most beautiful piece of creation but it certainly draws me closer to my heavenly Father.
As I sat there tonight, I asked God to show me that He was here. He sent me some chirping crickets- a perfect ochestra for my poetic heart. It is such a blessing to know that He is here with me, and cares enough to show me that fact. What a loving Daddy.
The wind blew softly this evening as the sun was setting, and as the wind blew past me I heard a still small voice in my heart. "Child, I love you. I see you. I hear your prayers," it seemed to say to me. I smiled and thanked God for His creation, His ability to speak to me through that creation, and His enduring and unconditional love. There is so much hope in Jesus. So much joy and peace.
I felt the change the minute I walked out the door and sat down. My spirit settled, and my mind stilled for a few moments. I was at peace and my soul had a song all it's own. There is something amazing about it all, some divine gift that only my heart can see. Who else in my family experiences these moments in the backyard?
My children find happiness, playing and chasing each other around the green expanse with a hedge of trees running from one end of the yards end to the other. My husband finds quiet time in his dimly lit shop or standing watch over the grilling meat. Those are good things. But what I find there is a sanctuary, a restorative place for my heart and spirit. A place that invites, no welcomes the voice of God and speaks to my very innermost parts.
My foster mom has a place like this- or at least she did when I lived there. It was her deck. She used to sit out there summer, winter, fall, spring. I always thought it peculiar, but I understand it now. That was her place to talk to God- to lay her own heart bare before Him and to study His word and find renewal for her spirit. It spoke to her the way my blotchy green backyward speaks to me. Something about nature must have been designed by God to nurture our spirits. Going to the beach often breathes poetry into my words. Sitting in my backyard breathes life into my bones, peace into my heart. Where do you get away that speaks to you this way?
The hope of God. The hope of God says that I will not always be here. That we will move beyond these places. I believe in my heart that we will- I include my husband in this. I do not know God's plan or how He will accomplish it but I know it is God's desire to restore and strengthen and reclaim our marriage and our lives. I know that God desires His best for us and for our children. I also know that my heavenly Father is so much stronger than the enemy who is attacking us. So the future looks bright when I think of it in terms of God's will and promises. His Word says that He desires to bring us a hope and a future. That's enough to keep on hanging on for now :)
Lord thank You for Your amazing creation and for the way You speak to my heart. Thank You for Your peace, joy, and love that You give so freely. Thank You for the reminder that You hear the cries of our hearts. Teach us to listen more to Your heart and a little less to our own. Amen
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Removing Cloudy Skies
It's been cloudy in Wilmington for two days now.... and in my life...
Good perspective.....
Clouds... be gone! Ha! I jest.
But really, truly, when it comes to our walks with God sometimes it really is THAT SIMPLE!
Example, after getting off the phone I opened up my Bible, did some praying, turned on my favorite praise CD- Rita Springer- and let the clouds roll on by.
I sent my husband an encouraging email while he was sitting at a bar feeling the weight of defeat- and hopefully it helped. I prayed for him- really prayed for him. Not for change, not for our situation, but for him and his heart because I know that God speaks his language. I may not understand it, but God does.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear to get through this- GOD knows my husband better than I do. God knows my husband's heart better than I do. And God knows His plans for our marriage and our lives together better than I do.
So that enemy, that oppressing spirit took a hike and hopefully he won't be returning for a good long while. Sometimes we have to learn the difficult way just how easy it is to become ensnared again to the things we've already been delivered from. Sometimes all it takes for us to get back on the right road is a wise word from a kind friend at the end of a conversation.
Thank You God for the friends You have put in my life, for the deliverance that I walk in, for the peace that ordains my steps. Keep me hidden in the shadow of Your wing and let me soar high above the clouds. Help me to see when my own mindsets are interfering with Your will and correct me swiftly. Keep me teachable and open to hearing Your voice. Bless my friends and all the people who come here. In Jesus name. Amen
Good perspective.....
Clouds... be gone! Ha! I jest.
But really, truly, when it comes to our walks with God sometimes it really is THAT SIMPLE!
Example, after getting off the phone I opened up my Bible, did some praying, turned on my favorite praise CD- Rita Springer- and let the clouds roll on by.
I sent my husband an encouraging email while he was sitting at a bar feeling the weight of defeat- and hopefully it helped. I prayed for him- really prayed for him. Not for change, not for our situation, but for him and his heart because I know that God speaks his language. I may not understand it, but God does.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear to get through this- GOD knows my husband better than I do. God knows my husband's heart better than I do. And God knows His plans for our marriage and our lives together better than I do.
So that enemy, that oppressing spirit took a hike and hopefully he won't be returning for a good long while. Sometimes we have to learn the difficult way just how easy it is to become ensnared again to the things we've already been delivered from. Sometimes all it takes for us to get back on the right road is a wise word from a kind friend at the end of a conversation.
Thank You God for the friends You have put in my life, for the deliverance that I walk in, for the peace that ordains my steps. Keep me hidden in the shadow of Your wing and let me soar high above the clouds. Help me to see when my own mindsets are interfering with Your will and correct me swiftly. Keep me teachable and open to hearing Your voice. Bless my friends and all the people who come here. In Jesus name. Amen
Monday, October 5, 2009
Rough Moments
It has been a very hard day. Uncovering lies is never pretty. I admit, my reaction was poor and will probably prevent my spouse from coming clean with me in the future- and for that I am deeply sorry. But I am so tired of the lies and deception. I'm so tired of feeling like I am the only one in this fight.
When we are hurt we want to sink inside ourselves and keep the whole world at bay. That is how I feel right now. I'm sick of being wounded and broken. I'm sick of allowing these circumstances to affect me.
My marriage is a mess. No matter how much I pray and work on myself, it's not getting any better. It's sick. Only God can heal it and He seems to be taking His sweet, precious time. I just wish I coud see why.
I'm certain I had a hand in all of this somewhere. My marriage wasn't perfect before all of this happened, and yet I can't even begin to work on that because my spouse will not open up that area of his heart yet. So here I am, waiting. And it's hard and it seems I have been waiting for so long. I know what God's word says- I keep repeating i over and over to myself. But I don't feel like it's sinking in.
Where did the freedom go? I felt so much freedom and so much peace and so much joy. Where is it now? Where is God's comfort and love for me? I reject the lie in my head that it was all just a dream, a fantasy. It was real. I know it was real. I accepted it- it changed me. So that lie can just leave me aone in Jesus name.
I do not have much strength left to fight this war, but God in me is stronger. If I can stand, He can fight. If I cannot stand, I can come to Him with my broken heart and tears and pour them out before Him and the Holy Spirit can pray for me when I cannot even speak because my world feels so heavy.
I long to be swept away and carried off to a beautiful place where there is no pain- just for a while. But the Prince of Peace tarries so. It must be for my benefit.
Lord help me to hold onto hope even when the rope I'm clinging to is unraveling before me. Help me to draw near to You even when it gives me splinters and causes me tears. Help me to be the woman You created me to be- even if that means being broken for a while so You can make me whole.
Thanks for listening whoever might read this...never give up unless you are giving it up to Jesus.
When we are hurt we want to sink inside ourselves and keep the whole world at bay. That is how I feel right now. I'm sick of being wounded and broken. I'm sick of allowing these circumstances to affect me.
My marriage is a mess. No matter how much I pray and work on myself, it's not getting any better. It's sick. Only God can heal it and He seems to be taking His sweet, precious time. I just wish I coud see why.
I'm certain I had a hand in all of this somewhere. My marriage wasn't perfect before all of this happened, and yet I can't even begin to work on that because my spouse will not open up that area of his heart yet. So here I am, waiting. And it's hard and it seems I have been waiting for so long. I know what God's word says- I keep repeating i over and over to myself. But I don't feel like it's sinking in.
Where did the freedom go? I felt so much freedom and so much peace and so much joy. Where is it now? Where is God's comfort and love for me? I reject the lie in my head that it was all just a dream, a fantasy. It was real. I know it was real. I accepted it- it changed me. So that lie can just leave me aone in Jesus name.
I do not have much strength left to fight this war, but God in me is stronger. If I can stand, He can fight. If I cannot stand, I can come to Him with my broken heart and tears and pour them out before Him and the Holy Spirit can pray for me when I cannot even speak because my world feels so heavy.
I long to be swept away and carried off to a beautiful place where there is no pain- just for a while. But the Prince of Peace tarries so. It must be for my benefit.
Lord help me to hold onto hope even when the rope I'm clinging to is unraveling before me. Help me to draw near to You even when it gives me splinters and causes me tears. Help me to be the woman You created me to be- even if that means being broken for a while so You can make me whole.
Thanks for listening whoever might read this...never give up unless you are giving it up to Jesus.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lessons in Patience
Impatience is an ugly, greedy thing with which I often struggle. Recently God showed me how my impatience towards His plan was only complicating things further.
"But God, I've been waiting. How much longer will I be in this place?" I whined. I heard nothing. God didn't reply.
Growing up across the street from my great, great aunt I used to watch- and sometimes help- her prune her rose bushes every Tuesday. I don't know why she chose Tuesdays but that's the day she pruned them. Once I asked her why and she told me this story:
"My mother used to have rose bushes when I was a girl- beautiful strong bushes- and all the neighbors would come and buy them for special ocassions. One year, I asked her for a bush for my birthday and she gave me one she had grafted herself.
I planted it in the ground and watered it faithfully. After a while it began to bloom these pretty flowers but as the flowers grew the stalks would break. I asked mama why. She told me it was because they weren't strong enough to hold the flowers. Then she took me to her bushes and her stalks were two or three times the size of mine and her flowers were huge and bright- mine were pale and sickly looking- even if I thought they were beautiful. She clipped my bush back and over the next season she showed me how to prune my rose bush. When the stalks became thick and strong we put more fertilizer around the bush and then let the rose buds appear. Unlike last time, this time my flowers were bright and the stalks didn't break against their weight.
"See she said, roses just require some pruning and patience."
As long as she was able, my great great aunt always had the most beautiful rose bushes in the neighborhood. I wish I could be even half as patient with my life as she was with her rose bushes.
When I am inpatient, I am not trusting God to work out things in His timing. I am not trusting that His timing is even better than my own. And at the cost of progress, I am pushing to change things on my own which only further complicates the situation or circumstance. By being patient and allowing God to prune things in my life and my heart, I ensure that when it the buds appear that the stalk will be fortified enough to hold the fully grown flowers. Doing it any other way is greedy and creates cracks in the foundation which will crumble under the weight of future trials.
"But God, I've been waiting. How much longer will I be in this place?" I whined. I heard nothing. God didn't reply.
Growing up across the street from my great, great aunt I used to watch- and sometimes help- her prune her rose bushes every Tuesday. I don't know why she chose Tuesdays but that's the day she pruned them. Once I asked her why and she told me this story:
"My mother used to have rose bushes when I was a girl- beautiful strong bushes- and all the neighbors would come and buy them for special ocassions. One year, I asked her for a bush for my birthday and she gave me one she had grafted herself.
I planted it in the ground and watered it faithfully. After a while it began to bloom these pretty flowers but as the flowers grew the stalks would break. I asked mama why. She told me it was because they weren't strong enough to hold the flowers. Then she took me to her bushes and her stalks were two or three times the size of mine and her flowers were huge and bright- mine were pale and sickly looking- even if I thought they were beautiful. She clipped my bush back and over the next season she showed me how to prune my rose bush. When the stalks became thick and strong we put more fertilizer around the bush and then let the rose buds appear. Unlike last time, this time my flowers were bright and the stalks didn't break against their weight.
"See she said, roses just require some pruning and patience."
As long as she was able, my great great aunt always had the most beautiful rose bushes in the neighborhood. I wish I could be even half as patient with my life as she was with her rose bushes.
When I am inpatient, I am not trusting God to work out things in His timing. I am not trusting that His timing is even better than my own. And at the cost of progress, I am pushing to change things on my own which only further complicates the situation or circumstance. By being patient and allowing God to prune things in my life and my heart, I ensure that when it the buds appear that the stalk will be fortified enough to hold the fully grown flowers. Doing it any other way is greedy and creates cracks in the foundation which will crumble under the weight of future trials.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Forward Motion
So, it's been almost two months since I found out about the moment. At first we seemed to make some quick steps forward but then it was many steps backward. Now here we stand. I'm still just as determined to fight for my marriage- still just as determined to be the woman God created me to be.
We seem to have made a little more progress. I say we, but I really mean my husband. Finally, he has conquered one of the most difficult steps to healing our marriage. To say that I am proud of him would be lying, because it was more of a forced step- not by me but by another person. However, I am thankful that this door has closed in his life. I know it is for the best for all involved.
This has been one of the most difficult places to walk, one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. And yet, it has surpassed many others in rewards and blessings. How can this be? Out of this time of trial and tribulation- a new me was birthed. Not a fragile, broken, cynical me- but a woman of strength, peace, and fortitude. The woman that God created me to be before the foundations of the earth. What a thought! I am more convinced now that I am walking in the will of God than I ever was before. The person that I am being molded into is someone I never foresaw myself being. She is someone beautiful, valuable, whole, and precious to God, friends, and family. She is hopeful, intelligent, compassionate, and friendly. When I get up in the morning and stare at my reflection, I see someone new.
Forward motion isn't always about visible progress. Sometimes, it happens in the reccesses of the heart where no one but God can see. I am learning to trust that even though I cannot often visibly see the changes taking place in my husband yet, that God is indeed working. He changes us from the inside out. When the heart changes, the rest of us is able to follow as well.
So I step forward, into this little ray of sunlight, thanking God and holding onto hope that more sunlight is on it's way.
We seem to have made a little more progress. I say we, but I really mean my husband. Finally, he has conquered one of the most difficult steps to healing our marriage. To say that I am proud of him would be lying, because it was more of a forced step- not by me but by another person. However, I am thankful that this door has closed in his life. I know it is for the best for all involved.
This has been one of the most difficult places to walk, one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. And yet, it has surpassed many others in rewards and blessings. How can this be? Out of this time of trial and tribulation- a new me was birthed. Not a fragile, broken, cynical me- but a woman of strength, peace, and fortitude. The woman that God created me to be before the foundations of the earth. What a thought! I am more convinced now that I am walking in the will of God than I ever was before. The person that I am being molded into is someone I never foresaw myself being. She is someone beautiful, valuable, whole, and precious to God, friends, and family. She is hopeful, intelligent, compassionate, and friendly. When I get up in the morning and stare at my reflection, I see someone new.
Forward motion isn't always about visible progress. Sometimes, it happens in the reccesses of the heart where no one but God can see. I am learning to trust that even though I cannot often visibly see the changes taking place in my husband yet, that God is indeed working. He changes us from the inside out. When the heart changes, the rest of us is able to follow as well.
So I step forward, into this little ray of sunlight, thanking God and holding onto hope that more sunlight is on it's way.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Circumstances, Perspectives & Healthy Food
Sometimes despite all my determination to have a great day and to really use it to be a light to others, I seem to feel like I'm under an overcast sky. Today was one of those days. I've been having several weeks of just being so filled with the joy of the Lord and feeling so refreshed by God that today in comparison seemed rather gloomy.
So, naturally, I asked what's changed? Have my circumstances changed? No, not really. I'm still fighting the same battle for my marriage and family. So what else is different? Did I forget to read my Bible and pray this morning? Nope. I read. I prayed. I listened to God. I praised Him. It was a good time. So what is it? I can't figure it out either. Maybe it's my perspective? Although, I don't see how that has changed either.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that it might actually stem from my diet. You see, The last few weeks I have been eating better, especially last week. But this week I've not done so well with that. I had cleansed myself from an addiction to coca-cola and caffeinated beverages. Then today that's the first thing I put into my system. Talk about shock to the senses! Of course, as we all know, one bad decision in the area of food usually leads to another. And thus, here I am feeling lethargic, moody, and rather unlike the person I have been these last few weeks. What's that verse about taking care of our temples? Maybe I need to paste it to my dashboard so that the next time I make a chick-fil-a drive-thru run on my way to class I don't make the same mistake!
So, naturally, I asked what's changed? Have my circumstances changed? No, not really. I'm still fighting the same battle for my marriage and family. So what else is different? Did I forget to read my Bible and pray this morning? Nope. I read. I prayed. I listened to God. I praised Him. It was a good time. So what is it? I can't figure it out either. Maybe it's my perspective? Although, I don't see how that has changed either.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that it might actually stem from my diet. You see, The last few weeks I have been eating better, especially last week. But this week I've not done so well with that. I had cleansed myself from an addiction to coca-cola and caffeinated beverages. Then today that's the first thing I put into my system. Talk about shock to the senses! Of course, as we all know, one bad decision in the area of food usually leads to another. And thus, here I am feeling lethargic, moody, and rather unlike the person I have been these last few weeks. What's that verse about taking care of our temples? Maybe I need to paste it to my dashboard so that the next time I make a chick-fil-a drive-thru run on my way to class I don't make the same mistake!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Relating to Music
Ever notice how certain songs that just sounded "good" before have new meanings when you experience it yourself? I do! I was driving home from class today and was struck by the truth in Third Day's "Born Again." I really do feel like a new person. I really do feel alive. The person I thought was the true me, really isn't me at all. The person I am becoming, that is who I am... and that is a GOOD thing. :) It's just amazing to me how God uses so many every day things - like listening to the radio while driving down the road - to minister to our hearts.
Verse 1
Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,
I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me
Chorus 1
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life
Verse 2
Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
is so much more real than anything
[Born Again Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning
Chorus 2
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time
Bridge
I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,
Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before
Final Chorus
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life
Verse 1
Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,
I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me
Chorus 1
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life
Verse 2
Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
is so much more real than anything
[Born Again Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning
Chorus 2
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time
Bridge
I wasn't looking for something that was more,
Than what I had yesterday,
Then You came to me,
Then You gave to me,
Life and a love that I've never known,
That I've never felt before
Final Chorus
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time
It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
I'm living for the first time,
In my life
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Praying It Through
Sometimes we are waiting on God to move in a person's heart and it seems a long agonizing wait. It is difficult to know that if the tables were turned, you would do whatever it takes. And to see that this person who means so much to you, is unwilling. It's heart breaking at times.
But what I am learning through this is how to pray it through. There is no amount of talking or explaining that is going to accomplish a willing spirit. All I can do is pray- and perhaps that is the best thing I can do.
I don't know how long God will have my marriage in this valley. Much of it depends on someone other than me. But while we are here, I can allow God to work on me and change what needs changing in my own heart and life. God can use this time to grow me and make me stronger and more grounded in Him. That all will benefit my marriage.
God is giving me a new identity. Who I am as His spirit-filled and empowered daughter. It's not who I was three weeks ago. And hopefully, who I am becoming will be even more apparent in three more weeks.
So, I am praying through this valley and waiting, sometimes not so patiently, on God to move this person's heart. But I am not standing still. I am growing, changing, being transformed- and it is BEAUTIFUL!
But what I am learning through this is how to pray it through. There is no amount of talking or explaining that is going to accomplish a willing spirit. All I can do is pray- and perhaps that is the best thing I can do.
I don't know how long God will have my marriage in this valley. Much of it depends on someone other than me. But while we are here, I can allow God to work on me and change what needs changing in my own heart and life. God can use this time to grow me and make me stronger and more grounded in Him. That all will benefit my marriage.
God is giving me a new identity. Who I am as His spirit-filled and empowered daughter. It's not who I was three weeks ago. And hopefully, who I am becoming will be even more apparent in three more weeks.
So, I am praying through this valley and waiting, sometimes not so patiently, on God to move this person's heart. But I am not standing still. I am growing, changing, being transformed- and it is BEAUTIFUL!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Comforter
If you've been following my journey here, it's only really in these last few weeks that I have begun to truly understand and feel the Holy Spirit's power and presence in my life. It's such an amazing concept to me. The Bible calls Him the Comforter.
Last night I was sitting on my concrete slab porch praying through some things going on in my life. I had spent some time on the phone with a trusted friend and God had restored some of my peace through that conversation.
As I sat there, forgiving someone who wronged me and then earnestly seeking God for my marriage, I began to feel differently. We are alwaays changed when we have encounters with God and this was certainly a moment where I encountered His love through the Holy Spirit- the Comforter. I felt like a big warm blanket had just been wrapped around me.
As I continued praying, I asked the Holy Spirit to give me the words to speak to the person I needed to speak to- and He did. In fact, I wrote them down as I felt the Holy Spirit was giving me an idea of what to say. I didn't want to forget or get off track.
But what amazed me most about this encounter was how it changed my heart and restored my joy which I had allowed to be stolen for even a few hours from the day because of this unforgiveness of this person. And the comfort I felt as I poured out my heart. It really all just reconfirms what God says the Holy Spirit is and his role in our lives.
This is such an amazing journey. Walking daily in this new mindset and with this new friend (the Holy Spirit.) I don't know who I am right now but knowing who I was before and who I am becoming now- I can live with a little identity shifting Because I am a much more whole being today than I was two weeks ago.
And just to celebrate a little of that freedom I have been experiencing. It has been two weeks with no thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideations. Now that is a pretty awesome testimony of God. To find freedom in this area-- it's amazing. The peace in my heart and the joy I feel.... and the pain that I do NOT suffer with daily anymore.... there are no words. My God is so amazing. Who knew that when He said He would set the captives free, that I would be one of them...... I feel so blessed and so loved and cherished by God that I just sometimes have to remind myself that this is only the beginning... what greater things God has for me... for all of us...
Time to fly... I'm going to be good to myself today and get a massage
Last night I was sitting on my concrete slab porch praying through some things going on in my life. I had spent some time on the phone with a trusted friend and God had restored some of my peace through that conversation.
As I sat there, forgiving someone who wronged me and then earnestly seeking God for my marriage, I began to feel differently. We are alwaays changed when we have encounters with God and this was certainly a moment where I encountered His love through the Holy Spirit- the Comforter. I felt like a big warm blanket had just been wrapped around me.
As I continued praying, I asked the Holy Spirit to give me the words to speak to the person I needed to speak to- and He did. In fact, I wrote them down as I felt the Holy Spirit was giving me an idea of what to say. I didn't want to forget or get off track.
But what amazed me most about this encounter was how it changed my heart and restored my joy which I had allowed to be stolen for even a few hours from the day because of this unforgiveness of this person. And the comfort I felt as I poured out my heart. It really all just reconfirms what God says the Holy Spirit is and his role in our lives.
This is such an amazing journey. Walking daily in this new mindset and with this new friend (the Holy Spirit.) I don't know who I am right now but knowing who I was before and who I am becoming now- I can live with a little identity shifting Because I am a much more whole being today than I was two weeks ago.
And just to celebrate a little of that freedom I have been experiencing. It has been two weeks with no thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideations. Now that is a pretty awesome testimony of God. To find freedom in this area-- it's amazing. The peace in my heart and the joy I feel.... and the pain that I do NOT suffer with daily anymore.... there are no words. My God is so amazing. Who knew that when He said He would set the captives free, that I would be one of them...... I feel so blessed and so loved and cherished by God that I just sometimes have to remind myself that this is only the beginning... what greater things God has for me... for all of us...
Time to fly... I'm going to be good to myself today and get a massage
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Beyond the Storm
This is the piece that I almost burned. Well, the after version anyway. When I began purging my writing stash, the HS spoke to me about this particular one and showed me how to transform it into something about hope coming out of despair. I hope I conveyed it well. The before version is going in the fireplace
Beyond the Storm
Gazing out at the ominous horizon from this third-story window, my back pressed against the unyielding wood, stiff and marred with graffiti and life’s use. Sitting, mesmerized by the clouds looming on the horizon- screaming out to my vulnerable heart- warning of the impending storm.
“Tread with caution,” it whispers to my soul. “Be careful, dear one. Step lightly.”
Strikes of lightning whip across the shrouded gray expanse before me. The giant towers, rising above the earth, tremble. Inside this brick fortress I feel safe, knowing it can withstand the coming storm.
“Can I?” My heart wonders. “Just how capable am I to forge through murky waters and desolate lands?”
Pelted by nature’s tears, they feel warm against my face. The downpour begins. The earth, washed clean, renewed and bathed in cleansing drops of rain. Faster the tears fall from the steely sky, harder they crash upon pavement and greenery in front of me. I am drenched and cold inside. The rain’s warmth may soothe my skin, but it does nothing for my soul. Hope still eludes me.
I watch as cars pass nearby. Puddles of murky water splash out of potholes and replenish within moments of the cars passing. Doorsteps overwhelmed with torrential rains, give pass and water rushes inside dwelling places, between cracks in their tough exteriors.
My heart begins to warm. The rain has penetrated, like a cup of tea warding off winter’s biting chill. I feel, for a moment. Another wave of warmth crashes upon me. The rain falls freely now but the ominous skies recede. A few rays of light break through the cool barrier and dances happily on the sidewalk in front of me. The beginning of hope is birthed in my soul, a tiny green shoot dances in the breeze and basks in the fresh sunlight. I smile and take a cleansing breath as summer’s light pervades me, transformed by the warmth of the sun, speaks words of comfort.
“You survived the storm,” I hear my heart speak.
In that moment, I am reminded of God’s promise: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
As I look up into the grey-blue sky, almost erased of all traces of the storm, something in my soul soars free. A burden evaporates into the fresh air before me. And I smile and lift my hands to the heavens in thanks. Hope has found me.
Beyond the Storm
Gazing out at the ominous horizon from this third-story window, my back pressed against the unyielding wood, stiff and marred with graffiti and life’s use. Sitting, mesmerized by the clouds looming on the horizon- screaming out to my vulnerable heart- warning of the impending storm.
“Tread with caution,” it whispers to my soul. “Be careful, dear one. Step lightly.”
Strikes of lightning whip across the shrouded gray expanse before me. The giant towers, rising above the earth, tremble. Inside this brick fortress I feel safe, knowing it can withstand the coming storm.
“Can I?” My heart wonders. “Just how capable am I to forge through murky waters and desolate lands?”
Pelted by nature’s tears, they feel warm against my face. The downpour begins. The earth, washed clean, renewed and bathed in cleansing drops of rain. Faster the tears fall from the steely sky, harder they crash upon pavement and greenery in front of me. I am drenched and cold inside. The rain’s warmth may soothe my skin, but it does nothing for my soul. Hope still eludes me.
I watch as cars pass nearby. Puddles of murky water splash out of potholes and replenish within moments of the cars passing. Doorsteps overwhelmed with torrential rains, give pass and water rushes inside dwelling places, between cracks in their tough exteriors.
My heart begins to warm. The rain has penetrated, like a cup of tea warding off winter’s biting chill. I feel, for a moment. Another wave of warmth crashes upon me. The rain falls freely now but the ominous skies recede. A few rays of light break through the cool barrier and dances happily on the sidewalk in front of me. The beginning of hope is birthed in my soul, a tiny green shoot dances in the breeze and basks in the fresh sunlight. I smile and take a cleansing breath as summer’s light pervades me, transformed by the warmth of the sun, speaks words of comfort.
“You survived the storm,” I hear my heart speak.
In that moment, I am reminded of God’s promise: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
As I look up into the grey-blue sky, almost erased of all traces of the storm, something in my soul soars free. A burden evaporates into the fresh air before me. And I smile and lift my hands to the heavens in thanks. Hope has found me.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Listening to the Testimony of Others
Church was such a refreshing today- and also a confirmation of what the HS has been showing me in my personal study time this week. After the whole indwelling event, I felt the HS leading me to study some of what was going on so many of the scriptures my pastor talked about today were reconfirming what I had already learned through God's word by teaching of the HS. Such an amazing thing.
Another thing that has been revealed to me this afternoon was that I need to listen to the testimony of people speaking to/about me. There is some evident physical transformation taking place in my life. Some of the testimonies that have been given to me of this follow:
1)People say that I look different. Younger. This has happened twice at church. That I look radiant. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not doing anything different to my hair or putting on makeup I didn't wear before.
I believe this is the HS shining through me. If you ever see a person who has lived a hard life, you can tell by their physical appearance and the havoc it displays on their bodies and their countenance. The Bible says that when we immerse ourselves in God, our countenance changes. When men in the old testament went to seek the Lord, their faces shone with the glory of God. I believe that the HS has reversed some of the damage all that bondage caused me for all those years by renewing my countenance- thus my "younger" appearance to others.
2) People keep remarking about my smile. "You look happier." I cannot tell you how many people have told me this week what a nice smile I have. I don't think I've ever heard it so much in my life! Why am I smiling? Why are people noticing? Again, it's not me. I AM happier, but it is a direct result of 1) time with God and 2) the HS's joy filling my heart. I believe this is what people are seeing in me.
3) I FEEL better- not an emotional feel better but a physical, spiritual feel better. I feel at peace. My days are going better but regardless of how my day goes or what my hair looks like, I still feel peace. It's this lasting abiding peace that I just cannot fathom. It's like whatever was there before is gone and what is in it's place is this deep, life-changing, grounding wire that goes directly from my heart to God and no matter what comes at me- I DON'T have to crumble to pieces because I'm grounded to the Father.
Does any of this make sense? Is it normal? I don't know but it's the testimony of the Holy Spirit evident in MY LIFE and in ME. Now that's something to shout about!
If you think I'm crazy... that's alright. It won't change me... If you think it's awesome- feel free to join along in my victory dance....
GOD IS AWESOME!!
Another thing that has been revealed to me this afternoon was that I need to listen to the testimony of people speaking to/about me. There is some evident physical transformation taking place in my life. Some of the testimonies that have been given to me of this follow:
1)People say that I look different. Younger. This has happened twice at church. That I look radiant. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not doing anything different to my hair or putting on makeup I didn't wear before.
I believe this is the HS shining through me. If you ever see a person who has lived a hard life, you can tell by their physical appearance and the havoc it displays on their bodies and their countenance. The Bible says that when we immerse ourselves in God, our countenance changes. When men in the old testament went to seek the Lord, their faces shone with the glory of God. I believe that the HS has reversed some of the damage all that bondage caused me for all those years by renewing my countenance- thus my "younger" appearance to others.
2) People keep remarking about my smile. "You look happier." I cannot tell you how many people have told me this week what a nice smile I have. I don't think I've ever heard it so much in my life! Why am I smiling? Why are people noticing? Again, it's not me. I AM happier, but it is a direct result of 1) time with God and 2) the HS's joy filling my heart. I believe this is what people are seeing in me.
3) I FEEL better- not an emotional feel better but a physical, spiritual feel better. I feel at peace. My days are going better but regardless of how my day goes or what my hair looks like, I still feel peace. It's this lasting abiding peace that I just cannot fathom. It's like whatever was there before is gone and what is in it's place is this deep, life-changing, grounding wire that goes directly from my heart to God and no matter what comes at me- I DON'T have to crumble to pieces because I'm grounded to the Father.
Does any of this make sense? Is it normal? I don't know but it's the testimony of the Holy Spirit evident in MY LIFE and in ME. Now that's something to shout about!
If you think I'm crazy... that's alright. It won't change me... If you think it's awesome- feel free to join along in my victory dance....
GOD IS AWESOME!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Getting to the Heart...
God has been doing some crazy things in my heart lately. If I didn't know any better I'd think it were something else.. but I know better.
Firstly, AFTER my forgiveness list I began earnestly praying for some of the people on it. To say this has taken an act of God would be an understatement. Why should I pray for them? I've forgiven them, that's what counts right? Wrong! We don't pray for people to feel good about our selves or to change them- we pray for them because God asks us to. Part of our walk of faith is learning to listen and be obedient and responsive to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.
More on this later... the baby needs me...someone said once that if a parent is doing work or at the computer and their child or spouse needs them... they stop what they are doing and go see what is needed.. I too am learning to do this... even in the midst of school, house chores, and the myriad of other roles I play....
Shoot. Now where was I? Oh yes, praying. One of the reasons I believe the Holy Spirit has nudged me to pray for these people is because it's indirect contact which allows him to work on my inner healing- ESPECIALLY where my parents are concerned.
One of the people I have been praying for has really been on my mind lately. I could use prayers for clarity and wisdom in this area. Pray that God would shut the doors I am not supposed to walk to and that I would hear clearly the holy spirit speaking to me. It's hard to explain. It's not me. That much I know.
This is a new level of faith for me. I've heard the voice of what I thought was the holy spirit before but always second guessed it, or just wasn't obedient to what he was asking of me. So this has been a wild week- learning to HEED what the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I find myself really thinking through my words, praying before I speak to people, really seeking His presence each day.
In other news, I am quite enjoying Captivating. It is almost parallel to my journey lately. I am blessed to be part of such an amazing group of godly women- even if I cannot go every week. God always blesses me when I go. I'm also reading Battlefield of the Mind- at least certain parts of it. Today I read about positive thoughts. Ouch! That's something I really need to work on in my life.
I am learning that every day is a choice- a chance- to walk in victory or defeat. I am learning to lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus and less on my own two-bit understanding. My expectations are decreasing because God is becoming all that I need. I feel at peace within my soul a good part of the day. I hear the spirit bring new things to my mind to pray for, new places I need to be set free and I pray and ask for forgiveness and freedom in those areas. What a journey.
Ten years, more than that now, I've been following God and yet here I am, finally standing free from so many of my chains and feeling the FREEDOM we have in Christ in a way I've never understood before. My only question is.. why did it take so LONG for God to bring me to this place?
Firstly, AFTER my forgiveness list I began earnestly praying for some of the people on it. To say this has taken an act of God would be an understatement. Why should I pray for them? I've forgiven them, that's what counts right? Wrong! We don't pray for people to feel good about our selves or to change them- we pray for them because God asks us to. Part of our walk of faith is learning to listen and be obedient and responsive to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.
More on this later... the baby needs me...someone said once that if a parent is doing work or at the computer and their child or spouse needs them... they stop what they are doing and go see what is needed.. I too am learning to do this... even in the midst of school, house chores, and the myriad of other roles I play....
Shoot. Now where was I? Oh yes, praying. One of the reasons I believe the Holy Spirit has nudged me to pray for these people is because it's indirect contact which allows him to work on my inner healing- ESPECIALLY where my parents are concerned.
One of the people I have been praying for has really been on my mind lately. I could use prayers for clarity and wisdom in this area. Pray that God would shut the doors I am not supposed to walk to and that I would hear clearly the holy spirit speaking to me. It's hard to explain. It's not me. That much I know.
This is a new level of faith for me. I've heard the voice of what I thought was the holy spirit before but always second guessed it, or just wasn't obedient to what he was asking of me. So this has been a wild week- learning to HEED what the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I find myself really thinking through my words, praying before I speak to people, really seeking His presence each day.
In other news, I am quite enjoying Captivating. It is almost parallel to my journey lately. I am blessed to be part of such an amazing group of godly women- even if I cannot go every week. God always blesses me when I go. I'm also reading Battlefield of the Mind- at least certain parts of it. Today I read about positive thoughts. Ouch! That's something I really need to work on in my life.
I am learning that every day is a choice- a chance- to walk in victory or defeat. I am learning to lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus and less on my own two-bit understanding. My expectations are decreasing because God is becoming all that I need. I feel at peace within my soul a good part of the day. I hear the spirit bring new things to my mind to pray for, new places I need to be set free and I pray and ask for forgiveness and freedom in those areas. What a journey.
Ten years, more than that now, I've been following God and yet here I am, finally standing free from so many of my chains and feeling the FREEDOM we have in Christ in a way I've never understood before. My only question is.. why did it take so LONG for God to bring me to this place?
Friday, September 4, 2009
Woooo!
Wow, I just have to say what an AMAZING day this turned out to be and what an AWESOME GOD I serve.
Driving home from the prayer session, God brought to mind some important things that I needed to clean out of my house. One, a collection of my poetry that was nothing more than the enemies vile lies on paper. Two, a weapon- for lack of a better word. Maybe there will be other things....
I don't know if it was the joy of the Lord or a fit of giggles, but I had a great evening full of lots of joy.
I gave my flesh a physical butt-kicking this evening by going running with my husband. That sure felt good. Watching the sun set and working some atrophied muscles. It hurts but it's a good hurt. I'll be doing it again VERY soon.
Top it all off with holding my sleeping child and just praying over her. And then praying with my older daughter tonight. Now that was COOL! A mothers heart... I asked H if she would like to pray with mommy, and she said she would. So I asked her who she would like to pray for. She named grandma because she was sick last week, daddy for his test coming up, and Alex for his booboo to be better. The first two I prayed for and then I lead her in praying for Alex. It was absolutely precious seeing her with her little eyes closed, asking God to heal her friend's booboo. What child like faith. Awesome.
Probably going to watch a movie in a little bit... I asked him to return the two he got and get two other ones... the lady didn't now how to return/exchange them but I won't be watching them regardless. The other two look okay.
Have a great night everyone. God bless!
Driving home from the prayer session, God brought to mind some important things that I needed to clean out of my house. One, a collection of my poetry that was nothing more than the enemies vile lies on paper. Two, a weapon- for lack of a better word. Maybe there will be other things....
I don't know if it was the joy of the Lord or a fit of giggles, but I had a great evening full of lots of joy.
I gave my flesh a physical butt-kicking this evening by going running with my husband. That sure felt good. Watching the sun set and working some atrophied muscles. It hurts but it's a good hurt. I'll be doing it again VERY soon.
Top it all off with holding my sleeping child and just praying over her. And then praying with my older daughter tonight. Now that was COOL! A mothers heart... I asked H if she would like to pray with mommy, and she said she would. So I asked her who she would like to pray for. She named grandma because she was sick last week, daddy for his test coming up, and Alex for his booboo to be better. The first two I prayed for and then I lead her in praying for Alex. It was absolutely precious seeing her with her little eyes closed, asking God to heal her friend's booboo. What child like faith. Awesome.
Probably going to watch a movie in a little bit... I asked him to return the two he got and get two other ones... the lady didn't now how to return/exchange them but I won't be watching them regardless. The other two look okay.
Have a great night everyone. God bless!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Fallen Eve
I found myself acting like fallen Eve tonight. I cannot tell you how many outfits I tried on. "Am I lovely? Do I look okay? Is there anything beautiful in me? Do you even see me?" My heart asked these questions as I stood in front of the judge- my full length mirror. And each time I removed the outfit to don another, the answer echoed painfully across my heart. "No. No you are not. You do not look lovely. You look overweight. You look frumpy. You look less than lovely."
Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."
As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.
Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."
As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
How He Loves Us
This song makes me cry. Let it wash over you today and refresh your soul- to know that we are so loved.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday Madness
One of the most embarrassing things I have to endure as a mother, is public misbehavior from my children. It is absolutely mortifying to me to watch two precious children who I pour so much time and energy into act out in such a disrespectful way. It is contrary to all I have worked so hard to instill within them. At times like this I feel as if the whole world is watching me to see how I will react to their inappropriate whims. Being under such scrutiny undoes my composure and I often get to the car just moments before the floodgates open. Today was one such event.
We had gone to play at the local Chick-fil-a. Summers are hot here but that does not satisfy the ravenous energy of toddlers and preschoolers; so we find places to play inside. This is one of our favorites. I sat on the floor of the play area with my pen and paper in hand but got little writing accomplished between shepherding my own two sheep and all the others as well. We managed to make it out of the play area and get our food without much fanfare or struggle but the moment we sat down everything fell apart.
Food was knocked off the table, on accident of course. My nearly-two-year-old grabbed my open packet of dressing and proceeds to swing it around. Milky white substance splatters onto the seat, the table, her clothes, and my glasses. Lovely. Quickly I grab the packet and wipe away the offensive material, only for her to grab my drink and topple that on the table as well. Now granted, this is just normal curiosity for this age and I wasn't much taken aback by it- just frustrated. My four-year-old decides to add to the chaos by having a tantrum about not being hungry. This does bother me as I battle with her about food all of the time. I cannot tell you the amount of money I have wasted because she said she was hungry. So I calmly reply that if she doesn't want to eat that is her choice but she may not go back and play. Being four, she loves to test my patience and my resolve and a battle of wills ensued. The couple behind me kept looking at my child and they must have thought I was the must unrelenting mother on the planet. I, however, know the importance of meaning what is said and saying what is meant becase I grew up in a home where neither occurred. After about five minutes of my daughters antics and trying desperately to keep up with the toddler while battling with the other, I decided to ditch my lunch and any other afternoon plans. I barely managed to corral the children and get them into the minivan before the tears exploded from my eyes.
This single parenting thing just isn't for me. It's not really any different when he is here, but at least having his support gives me illusion that I am not alone. That is enough to help me forge ahead most days. Left on my own to rear these little people, I am burnt out, overworked, underappreciated, and anxious. I need a mommy vacation. We're home now and I've put the girls in their rooms. Shortly I will have to load them back into the minivan and plow ahead through the afternoon of babysitting an autistic child while trying to keep my two under control. It's been a rough mornings and I'm praying the gloomy sky isn't forshadowing what the afternoon will be like. I'm not sure how much more I can take and it's only Monday.
We had gone to play at the local Chick-fil-a. Summers are hot here but that does not satisfy the ravenous energy of toddlers and preschoolers; so we find places to play inside. This is one of our favorites. I sat on the floor of the play area with my pen and paper in hand but got little writing accomplished between shepherding my own two sheep and all the others as well. We managed to make it out of the play area and get our food without much fanfare or struggle but the moment we sat down everything fell apart.
Food was knocked off the table, on accident of course. My nearly-two-year-old grabbed my open packet of dressing and proceeds to swing it around. Milky white substance splatters onto the seat, the table, her clothes, and my glasses. Lovely. Quickly I grab the packet and wipe away the offensive material, only for her to grab my drink and topple that on the table as well. Now granted, this is just normal curiosity for this age and I wasn't much taken aback by it- just frustrated. My four-year-old decides to add to the chaos by having a tantrum about not being hungry. This does bother me as I battle with her about food all of the time. I cannot tell you the amount of money I have wasted because she said she was hungry. So I calmly reply that if she doesn't want to eat that is her choice but she may not go back and play. Being four, she loves to test my patience and my resolve and a battle of wills ensued. The couple behind me kept looking at my child and they must have thought I was the must unrelenting mother on the planet. I, however, know the importance of meaning what is said and saying what is meant becase I grew up in a home where neither occurred. After about five minutes of my daughters antics and trying desperately to keep up with the toddler while battling with the other, I decided to ditch my lunch and any other afternoon plans. I barely managed to corral the children and get them into the minivan before the tears exploded from my eyes.
This single parenting thing just isn't for me. It's not really any different when he is here, but at least having his support gives me illusion that I am not alone. That is enough to help me forge ahead most days. Left on my own to rear these little people, I am burnt out, overworked, underappreciated, and anxious. I need a mommy vacation. We're home now and I've put the girls in their rooms. Shortly I will have to load them back into the minivan and plow ahead through the afternoon of babysitting an autistic child while trying to keep my two under control. It's been a rough mornings and I'm praying the gloomy sky isn't forshadowing what the afternoon will be like. I'm not sure how much more I can take and it's only Monday.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday Sunshine
Life can be dreary, the dim shadow of daily routines breeds resentment. To combat dull days filled with disdain, I fill Saturdays with sun-kissed trinkets. Today we went to the pet store. It is somewhere my children beg to go knowing full well if it's a weekday I'll say no- not because I don't want to but because there are no pets there then. Saturdays the rescues and societies bring out the rascals in droves. So we go and marvel, swoon, and grin along with a hundred other families doing the same thing.
The children always enjoy petting the dogs, cats, rabbits, and what-have-yous but today was even more grand. Usually there are a few dozen neglected mutts with sad looking eyes, pleading to be taken home. Today we witnessed the reassurance of life, the fighting spirit, and the determination of love.
Thor is a regal looking man with flowing black tail. His eyes are chocolate brown and his bark would scare away the most aggressive offender. Wrapped up in this black and tan shepherd is a heart of gold and a love that rivals the sonnets of Shakespeare. He needed a walk to stretch his long legs so the girls and I volunteered. This hundred pound beauty was a joy to walk on the lead, never pulling one way or the other but keeping an alert and inquisitive expression on his gorgeous face. My children are quite young and at first I was apprehensive to let them near Master Thor but I need not worry. The baby sat on the cement outside the store and he laid down next to her, smiling and sighing as she tugged on his rich black coat. Hailey planted her face in his furr and smiled at me. He's a little underweight but I'm sure when he finds the right home, he'll fill out well. The lady telling us about him says he's house trained, great with other dogs and cats, gentle with children, and full grown. What more could you ask for? I wonder as we move on to other dogs, why he hasn't found a home yet.
Honey is a shepherd/dotson pup and full of love to give. She piddled in her crate so we had the priviledge of holding her while they cleaned up the mess. My baby is an animal lover through and through. She talked to Honey and pulled on her soft ears. Honey didn't seem to mind and snuggled in closer. I guess she had a busy day because by the time the crate was all clean, she had fallen asleep in my arms. She smelled fresh from a bath and was soft and as well-mannered a pup to boot. My baby girl cried when I put her back. She walked a little ways and found a leash and drug it back to me. If only we could have taken Honey and Thor home with us.
Hailey loves dogs and picked out the saddest of the lot- a little black lab boy named J.D. who had an accident with a mower. He's cute and resillient- full of life and has lots of love to give. The sore on his head is quite a sad mess and his eye will be removed when he is full grown. He's a wounded little guy but with an amazing spirit. We had the chance to hold him too. His black coat was smooth as silk and his eye and head would didn't detur him from playing and romping with my girls.
Leaving the store was bitter sweet. Our hearts were full but our hands were empty. For a year now we've been contemplating adopting a dog. It always comes back to the same thing- we don't have the room and this house isn't truly ours. We'd love one and the girls would swoon over the royal beast night and day, but we must wait.
My Saturday has been filled up with sunshine, silly little pups and sugar kisses from my kids. I'm one blessed mom for sure.
The children always enjoy petting the dogs, cats, rabbits, and what-have-yous but today was even more grand. Usually there are a few dozen neglected mutts with sad looking eyes, pleading to be taken home. Today we witnessed the reassurance of life, the fighting spirit, and the determination of love.
Thor is a regal looking man with flowing black tail. His eyes are chocolate brown and his bark would scare away the most aggressive offender. Wrapped up in this black and tan shepherd is a heart of gold and a love that rivals the sonnets of Shakespeare. He needed a walk to stretch his long legs so the girls and I volunteered. This hundred pound beauty was a joy to walk on the lead, never pulling one way or the other but keeping an alert and inquisitive expression on his gorgeous face. My children are quite young and at first I was apprehensive to let them near Master Thor but I need not worry. The baby sat on the cement outside the store and he laid down next to her, smiling and sighing as she tugged on his rich black coat. Hailey planted her face in his furr and smiled at me. He's a little underweight but I'm sure when he finds the right home, he'll fill out well. The lady telling us about him says he's house trained, great with other dogs and cats, gentle with children, and full grown. What more could you ask for? I wonder as we move on to other dogs, why he hasn't found a home yet.
Honey is a shepherd/dotson pup and full of love to give. She piddled in her crate so we had the priviledge of holding her while they cleaned up the mess. My baby is an animal lover through and through. She talked to Honey and pulled on her soft ears. Honey didn't seem to mind and snuggled in closer. I guess she had a busy day because by the time the crate was all clean, she had fallen asleep in my arms. She smelled fresh from a bath and was soft and as well-mannered a pup to boot. My baby girl cried when I put her back. She walked a little ways and found a leash and drug it back to me. If only we could have taken Honey and Thor home with us.
Hailey loves dogs and picked out the saddest of the lot- a little black lab boy named J.D. who had an accident with a mower. He's cute and resillient- full of life and has lots of love to give. The sore on his head is quite a sad mess and his eye will be removed when he is full grown. He's a wounded little guy but with an amazing spirit. We had the chance to hold him too. His black coat was smooth as silk and his eye and head would didn't detur him from playing and romping with my girls.
Leaving the store was bitter sweet. Our hearts were full but our hands were empty. For a year now we've been contemplating adopting a dog. It always comes back to the same thing- we don't have the room and this house isn't truly ours. We'd love one and the girls would swoon over the royal beast night and day, but we must wait.
My Saturday has been filled up with sunshine, silly little pups and sugar kisses from my kids. I'm one blessed mom for sure.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday Sunshine
Life can be dreary, the dim shadow of daily routines breeds resentment. To combat dull days filled with disdain, I fill Saturdays with sun-kissed trinkets. Today we went to the pet store. It is somewhere my children beg to go knowing full well if it's a weekday I'll say no- not because I don't want to but because there are no pets there then. Saturdays the rescues and societies bring out the rascals in droves. So we go and marvel, swoon, and grin along with a hundred other families doing the same thing.
The children always enjoy petting the dogs, cats, rabbits, and what-have-yous but today was even more grand. Usually there are a few dozen neglected mutts with sad looking eyes, pleading to be taken home. Today we witnessed the reassurance of life, the fighting spirit, and the determination of love.
Thor is a regal looking man with flowing black tail. His eyes are chocolate brown and his bark would scare away the most aggressive offender. Wrapped up in this black and tan shepherd is a heart of gold and a love that rivals the sonnets of Shakespeare. He needed a walk to stretch his long legs so the girls and I volunteered. This hundred pound beauty was a joy to walk on the lead, never pulling one way or the other but keeping an alert and inquisitive expression on his gorgeous face. My children are quite young and at first I was apprehensive to let them near Master Thor but I need not worry. The baby sat on the cement outside the store and he laid down next to her, smiling and sighing as she tugged on his rich black coat. Hailey planted her face in his furr and smiled at me. He's a little underweight but I'm sure when he finds the right home, he'll fill out well. The lady telling us about him says he's house trained, great with other dogs and cats, gentle with children, and full grown. What more could you ask for? I wonder as we move on to other dogs, why he hasn't found a home yet.
Honey is a shepherd/dotson pup and full of love to give. She piddled in her crate so we had the priviledge of holding her while they cleaned up the mess. My baby is an animal lover through and through. She talked to Honey and pulled on her soft ears. Honey didn't seem to mind and snuggled in closer. I guess she had a busy day because by the time the crate was all clean, she had fallen asleep in my arms. She smelled fresh from a bath and was soft and as well-mannered a pup to boot. My baby girl cried when I put her back. She walked a little ways and found a leash and drug it back to me. If only we could have taken Honey and Thor home with us.
Hailey loves dogs and picked out the saddest of the lot- a little black lab boy named J.D. who had an accident with a mower. He's cute and resillient- full of life and has lots of love to give. The sore on his head is quite a sad mess and his eye will be removed when he is full grown. He's a wounded little guy but with an amazing spirit. We had the chance to hold him too. His black coat was smooth as silk and his eye and head would didn't detur him from playing and romping with my girls.
Leaving the store was bitter sweet. Our hearts were full but our hands were empty. For a year now we've been contemplating adopting a dog. It always comes back to the same thing- we don't have the room and this house isn't truly ours. We'd love one and the girls would swoon over the royal beast night and day, but we must wait.
My Saturday has been filled up with sunshine, silly little pups and sugar kisses from my kids. I'm one blessed mom for sure.
The children always enjoy petting the dogs, cats, rabbits, and what-have-yous but today was even more grand. Usually there are a few dozen neglected mutts with sad looking eyes, pleading to be taken home. Today we witnessed the reassurance of life, the fighting spirit, and the determination of love.
Thor is a regal looking man with flowing black tail. His eyes are chocolate brown and his bark would scare away the most aggressive offender. Wrapped up in this black and tan shepherd is a heart of gold and a love that rivals the sonnets of Shakespeare. He needed a walk to stretch his long legs so the girls and I volunteered. This hundred pound beauty was a joy to walk on the lead, never pulling one way or the other but keeping an alert and inquisitive expression on his gorgeous face. My children are quite young and at first I was apprehensive to let them near Master Thor but I need not worry. The baby sat on the cement outside the store and he laid down next to her, smiling and sighing as she tugged on his rich black coat. Hailey planted her face in his furr and smiled at me. He's a little underweight but I'm sure when he finds the right home, he'll fill out well. The lady telling us about him says he's house trained, great with other dogs and cats, gentle with children, and full grown. What more could you ask for? I wonder as we move on to other dogs, why he hasn't found a home yet.
Honey is a shepherd/dotson pup and full of love to give. She piddled in her crate so we had the priviledge of holding her while they cleaned up the mess. My baby is an animal lover through and through. She talked to Honey and pulled on her soft ears. Honey didn't seem to mind and snuggled in closer. I guess she had a busy day because by the time the crate was all clean, she had fallen asleep in my arms. She smelled fresh from a bath and was soft and as well-mannered a pup to boot. My baby girl cried when I put her back. She walked a little ways and found a leash and drug it back to me. If only we could have taken Honey and Thor home with us.
Hailey loves dogs and picked out the saddest of the lot- a little black lab boy named J.D. who had an accident with a mower. He's cute and resillient- full of life and has lots of love to give. The sore on his head is quite a sad mess and his eye will be removed when he is full grown. He's a wounded little guy but with an amazing spirit. We had the chance to hold him too. His black coat was smooth as silk and his eye and head would didn't detur him from playing and romping with my girls.
Leaving the store was bitter sweet. Our hearts were full but our hands were empty. For a year now we've been contemplating adopting a dog. It always comes back to the same thing- we don't have the room and this house isn't truly ours. We'd love one and the girls would swoon over the royal beast night and day, but we must wait.
My Saturday has been filled up with sunshine, silly little pups and sugar kisses from my kids. I'm one blessed mom for sure.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Faith. Fellowship. Friends.
Some people are naturally outgoing and eager to meet new people. I'm not one of them. Having a conversation with a person I've not met before goes over something like putting a metal knife in a toaster. It's just not a good idea. Now don't misunderstand me, I am personable to an extent. I can smile and say hello. I can be helpful giving directions and help people find something once in a while. Shucks, I can even shake a hand or say a prayer if someone needs it. Just don't ask me to make small talk or name everyone in the room. All you'll see of me is the tracks from my tires as I peel out of the parking lot.
Now that's me. But this is what God says: "Do not forsake the gathering together of the body of Christ." Really, that goes so much deeper than just going to a building where other believers are. I believe it's about three things.
1) The body of Christ- other believers who share our FAITH. God wants us to rub elbows with faith-minded people. Why? Because "where ever two or more are gathered in my name, I am in the midst." In other words, God gathers among His children. Where His children are, His spirit is. Where His spirit is, His power is. Where His power is, the potential for healing, restoration, salvation resides. Mix your faith together with others in the body- not just in church. Though that's a great place to start.
2) Gathering Together. Lots of people gather in places all over the world. What's different about what God is asking us to do? I don't think He's talking about just being in the same room. I believe He's talking about fellowship. Fellowship can be defined as the gathering together of people who share like interests. What greater common interest is there? We are gathering for a common purpose- to glorify God and strengthen the body of Christ.
3) Lastly, I believe that by gathering together in fellowship and mixing our faith together with other believers, that we will develop close knit circles of friends who can pray for each other, keep one another accountable, and rejoice together over God's amazing works. Friendships with God at the center are such rejuvenating and encouraging relationships.
For someone like me, this is a hard thing to do. I can do okay with the first two but the friendship part I really struggle with. Being a friend to someone, and letting someone be a friend to me requires opening up a little bit of my heart, taking down a little bit of my wall, and pulling back the drapes a little bit. Trusting does not come easily to me.
God is calling me to new things in this area of my life. I sense it even now as I write this. He has strategically placed me on a ministry team that will challenge my introverted nature. And you know what amazes me more, I'm excited about it. If He had asked me to do this last year I probably would have been like Abraham's wife and laughed at Him. "How can this be, Lord?" I would have asked. "Do you see me? I am shy and mousy. I'm not outgoing and I sometimes get tongue tied like Moses." Isn't God good. Thankfully I've learned to appreciate His sense of adventure and take it all with a good dose of humor!
Now that's me. But this is what God says: "Do not forsake the gathering together of the body of Christ." Really, that goes so much deeper than just going to a building where other believers are. I believe it's about three things.
1) The body of Christ- other believers who share our FAITH. God wants us to rub elbows with faith-minded people. Why? Because "where ever two or more are gathered in my name, I am in the midst." In other words, God gathers among His children. Where His children are, His spirit is. Where His spirit is, His power is. Where His power is, the potential for healing, restoration, salvation resides. Mix your faith together with others in the body- not just in church. Though that's a great place to start.
2) Gathering Together. Lots of people gather in places all over the world. What's different about what God is asking us to do? I don't think He's talking about just being in the same room. I believe He's talking about fellowship. Fellowship can be defined as the gathering together of people who share like interests. What greater common interest is there? We are gathering for a common purpose- to glorify God and strengthen the body of Christ.
3) Lastly, I believe that by gathering together in fellowship and mixing our faith together with other believers, that we will develop close knit circles of friends who can pray for each other, keep one another accountable, and rejoice together over God's amazing works. Friendships with God at the center are such rejuvenating and encouraging relationships.
For someone like me, this is a hard thing to do. I can do okay with the first two but the friendship part I really struggle with. Being a friend to someone, and letting someone be a friend to me requires opening up a little bit of my heart, taking down a little bit of my wall, and pulling back the drapes a little bit. Trusting does not come easily to me.
God is calling me to new things in this area of my life. I sense it even now as I write this. He has strategically placed me on a ministry team that will challenge my introverted nature. And you know what amazes me more, I'm excited about it. If He had asked me to do this last year I probably would have been like Abraham's wife and laughed at Him. "How can this be, Lord?" I would have asked. "Do you see me? I am shy and mousy. I'm not outgoing and I sometimes get tongue tied like Moses." Isn't God good. Thankfully I've learned to appreciate His sense of adventure and take it all with a good dose of humor!
Dents in my Fenders
My Pastor used an illustration yesterday that I can so relate to: lost house keys. I have a pair of keys somewhere in my house that I lost four years ago. Really. I swear that I lost them in the girls' bedroom but no matter how I searched, even emptying out all the dressers and their toy box, I never did find them.
Then on the way home from picking up my oldest girl from preschool camp, I heard this song on the radio. It really should be my anthem. While we were painting last night, I stepped in every paint spot on the drop cloth. I nearly fell off the ladder, and I mucked up a corner or two that I had just fixed. It's pointless to say it, but I'm far from graceful. I've tripped over my own two feet climbing stairs, squirted coke out my nose, and had more than my fair share of fashion mishaps.
In all this, though, the thing that I'm reminded of constantly is that this is who I am. This is my natural instinct, my natural self. God created me and fashioned my inmost parts, He set me apart before I was born. He knew that I would be this clumsy haphazard person who should be walking through life with a caution sign strung around my neck to warn people that I'm prone to accidents. But regardless of how topsy turvy I can be, God still loves me and made me this way for some reason- maybe to remind me that it's okay to laugh. I'm a serious person and if I hadn't learned to laugh at my accidents a long time ago, I'd never have a dry face or be able to wear makeup even a few hours.
I like the line in this song that says "I'm free to be me." Sometimes I forget that I can just be who God created me to be. I don't have to be prim and proper or meet all the expectations that society, family, and friends put upon me. I can just be myself- and you know what- I like myself, even with all of my flaws, failures, and ungraceful moments. In God's eyes I am His beautiful child- and you are too :)
Six O'Clock Wake Up Call ... Or NOT!
I crawled into bed last night determined to get up early and spend time with the Lord this morning. To make certain I didn't oversleep and miss my dedicated time with Jesus, I set my alarm for six. My girls get up as early as seven, so I wanted to give myself an hour before there was any chance of them getting up. There's nothing more frustrating to me than being disturbed and losing my cool during my time with the Lord. Plus, let's face it- children can be and often are a distraction.
The alarm went off. I groaned and hit the clock with the intention of getting up. But instead, in the few minutes I started praying I dozed back to sleep and my girls woke me around 7:45. Lesson learned? Don't pray in bed. I've got to find a better place to spend time with the Lord. My bed just isn't going to cut it- even if it is the most comfortable place in the house.
The baby should go down for her nap soon, so I'll try again then. I had really hoped to put God first in my day this morning. Tomorrow's another day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my committed time then. Looking forward to my Bible study and prayer time later this morning when the house is quiet. There's something so refreshing about being in the presence of God.
The alarm went off. I groaned and hit the clock with the intention of getting up. But instead, in the few minutes I started praying I dozed back to sleep and my girls woke me around 7:45. Lesson learned? Don't pray in bed. I've got to find a better place to spend time with the Lord. My bed just isn't going to cut it- even if it is the most comfortable place in the house.
The baby should go down for her nap soon, so I'll try again then. I had really hoped to put God first in my day this morning. Tomorrow's another day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my committed time then. Looking forward to my Bible study and prayer time later this morning when the house is quiet. There's something so refreshing about being in the presence of God.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Life in the Pit
Ever heard the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions?" I feel like that's the theme of my life some days. Lately, I'm realizing that I'm not able. Most of my life I've had to do things for myself, even as a child, and so admitting that I'm not capable of doing something is huge blow to my independent self-sufficient type A personality.
I don't believe that I purposely set out to undermine God or to prove that I can do things on my own, but I'm learning that I often do just that. God would want me to seek Him and let Him walk with me through my days, guiding my steps. Yet, I fail so many times. I fall down daily. I screw up daily. This act of submitting ourselves to Christ and taking up our crosses and following is not something that comes easily to me.
My pastor preached last Sunday about prayer. It was a powerful message and I pray that it did not fall on deaf ears. He said that when we cease to pray and spend time with the Lord that are in essence telling God that we don't need to rely or depend upon Him. Our lack of prayer could be one of two things: pride or unbelief. When we stop praying and start living according to our own strengths and abilities, rather than relying upon God, we exalt ourselves and devalue Christ and our relationship with the Father. Thinking long on that is enough to stop us dead in our tracks.
His suggestion for dealing with this part of our lives was to set aside a special time and place where you get closer to God through Bible study, worship, and prayer. He talked about how he prepared his place every night in anticipation of the following morning meeting with the Lord. What a wonderful thought- to anticipate and be excited about spending time with Jesus. Many of us have forgotten- myself included- the joy that we are supposed to have in Christ.
Pick a place. Pick a time. Pick a method. Spend time with your savior. He loves each one of us so much. Don't let the day slip by without meeting with Him and being refreshed in His word. Climb out of the pit and stand on the mountain top. God can realign your perspective :) I'm praying He does the same for me.
I don't believe that I purposely set out to undermine God or to prove that I can do things on my own, but I'm learning that I often do just that. God would want me to seek Him and let Him walk with me through my days, guiding my steps. Yet, I fail so many times. I fall down daily. I screw up daily. This act of submitting ourselves to Christ and taking up our crosses and following is not something that comes easily to me.
My pastor preached last Sunday about prayer. It was a powerful message and I pray that it did not fall on deaf ears. He said that when we cease to pray and spend time with the Lord that are in essence telling God that we don't need to rely or depend upon Him. Our lack of prayer could be one of two things: pride or unbelief. When we stop praying and start living according to our own strengths and abilities, rather than relying upon God, we exalt ourselves and devalue Christ and our relationship with the Father. Thinking long on that is enough to stop us dead in our tracks.
His suggestion for dealing with this part of our lives was to set aside a special time and place where you get closer to God through Bible study, worship, and prayer. He talked about how he prepared his place every night in anticipation of the following morning meeting with the Lord. What a wonderful thought- to anticipate and be excited about spending time with Jesus. Many of us have forgotten- myself included- the joy that we are supposed to have in Christ.
Pick a place. Pick a time. Pick a method. Spend time with your savior. He loves each one of us so much. Don't let the day slip by without meeting with Him and being refreshed in His word. Climb out of the pit and stand on the mountain top. God can realign your perspective :) I'm praying He does the same for me.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Missed Opportunity
A few days ago, I was going about my errands and noticed someone walking on the side of the road. I live in the southeast and the heat here is sometimes unbearable. Naturally, I felt a little sad for this person. Driving down the road, I swear I heard the voice of God telling me to turn around and go pick her up and take her to the place she lived.
I had my children in the car with me and I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers- EVER. So, I rationalized that I must have just been "hearing things" in my head and that God wouldn't really ask me to pick someone up. Maybe it was fear or maybe it was inconvenience. I don't know the real reason, but I kept on driving.
That little lady, who by the way was probably in her 70s and shouldn't have been out in the head, has been on my mind every day since. I guess the lesson in this is that when you think you hear the voice of God, you should listen. So many opportunities pass right through my fingers. My goal this week is to grab hold of at least one. There are so many people who need God's love in their lives and just maybe He might want to use me to show them who He really is.
I had my children in the car with me and I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers- EVER. So, I rationalized that I must have just been "hearing things" in my head and that God wouldn't really ask me to pick someone up. Maybe it was fear or maybe it was inconvenience. I don't know the real reason, but I kept on driving.
That little lady, who by the way was probably in her 70s and shouldn't have been out in the head, has been on my mind every day since. I guess the lesson in this is that when you think you hear the voice of God, you should listen. So many opportunities pass right through my fingers. My goal this week is to grab hold of at least one. There are so many people who need God's love in their lives and just maybe He might want to use me to show them who He really is.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Prayer for Our Children
I don't think anything says it better than this song by Mark Harris. May we always remember the reason we are given our children- to establish them in love and truth. They are only ours for a little while. Cherish every moment, every laugh, every tear, every birthday, every year.
More Beautiful You
More Beautiful You
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Reclaiming My Life- Day 1
Many times in life we get off track and end up on a path that isn't the best for us. Certainly, it isn't God's best. But God can help us find our way back on the right road.
I feel like I've been wandering around in a desert looking for a drop to drink. For a long time now I've been struggling with weights that I wasn't meant to carry and being crushed under all of my worries and troubles.
I woke up this morning with a new purpose. With God's help I am striving to reclaim my life. It probably won't be easy. There will be obstacles and tests along the way but I'm trusting in my heavenly Father to guide me on the right path. Great is the Father's love. He has called us to great things in His name.
My Goals for Today:
Marriage: To bless my spouse.
Attempt: My husband loves a clean home. Even though he is not here, I can honor him by doing things that would bless him if he were here.
Mental: Get out of the house and enjoy other people!
Attempt: Going to take Clara to a free movie this morning with my mom's group.
Parenting: To be a consistent parent today.
Attempt: To write out some simple rules for my children and to place them somewhere visible. We will go over them tonight before bed and implement them starting tomorrow.
Physical: Make one stride to eat healthier!
Attempt: Drinking 64 oz of water today.
Spiritual: Start the day on a good note- despite how I feel!
Attempt: Find a quiet place for five minutes to read my Bible and pray- even if it means locking myself in my bathroom.
I feel like I've been wandering around in a desert looking for a drop to drink. For a long time now I've been struggling with weights that I wasn't meant to carry and being crushed under all of my worries and troubles.
I woke up this morning with a new purpose. With God's help I am striving to reclaim my life. It probably won't be easy. There will be obstacles and tests along the way but I'm trusting in my heavenly Father to guide me on the right path. Great is the Father's love. He has called us to great things in His name.
My Goals for Today:
Marriage: To bless my spouse.
Attempt: My husband loves a clean home. Even though he is not here, I can honor him by doing things that would bless him if he were here.
Mental: Get out of the house and enjoy other people!
Attempt: Going to take Clara to a free movie this morning with my mom's group.
Parenting: To be a consistent parent today.
Attempt: To write out some simple rules for my children and to place them somewhere visible. We will go over them tonight before bed and implement them starting tomorrow.
Physical: Make one stride to eat healthier!
Attempt: Drinking 64 oz of water today.
Spiritual: Start the day on a good note- despite how I feel!
Attempt: Find a quiet place for five minutes to read my Bible and pray- even if it means locking myself in my bathroom.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Restless & Worrisome
Have you ever climbed into bed at the end of a long day hoping for a decent rest? Today was one of those days. Tonight was one of those nights. I crawled into bed and pulled the covers up around me, closed my eyes, and said a quick prayer. No sooner had I finished did the thoughts come.
Thoughts about circumstances and situations that I cannot change. Worry began to creep into my bedroom, sulking in the corners with it's dark oozing poison to rob me of a peaceful rest. As I'm lying there being bombarded by the troubles of my life, a verse keeps replaying in my mind.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
With each thought, I remember that verse and pray that God would help me trust Him in these situations. The opposite of trust is worry. So by worrying about these issues and situations, I was not trusting that God was in control. I was instead, taking away the hope and faith I have in Christ and worrying over situations beyond my abilities. Now how much sense does that make?
I can't solve these problems. But yet here I was taking them away from the one who can! Doesn't take much common sense to know that worrying about things I cannot change and taking them out of the hands of my capable heavenly Father is pretty stupid on my part.
So rather than lay there worrying more, my sleep already disturbed, I got up and found a Christian chatroom. Would you believe me if I told you that the very first verse anyone posted in the room was 2 Timothy 1:7.
What does it say? God has not given us a spirit of fear (or worry) but a "spirit of power" and love and a sound mind. Power for what? Power to overcome our fear? Power to overcome our worry? Power to keep our eyes fixed on the one who has the answers to the questions that are plaguing our sleepless nights? "And of love"- the Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear. Oh what a good God we serve. He knew we needed His perfect love and His power to overcome our fear and He even knew to write about it in His word so that we would know the solution to our fear and worry. Oh thank you Jesus.
I love this last part most "and of a sound mind." When I'm lying in my bed at night, unable to sleep, it is so easy for the enemy to come at me with his accusations that I'm unstable. He knows that this is an area of weakness in my life and he will use it every chance he gets. But God knew that too. He knew how the enemy would try to come against our minds and our hearts and so He gave us the last part of this verse to remind us that we have sound minds. We are not crazy. We are not unstable. We are not insane. We do not belong in asylums - though some of my friends might disagree. In Jesus we have sound minds, stable minds.
Isn't God good? He made a way out. Even when we are facing the fear and worry of dark days- God has given us power to overcome, His perfect love to cast out every spirit of fear, and sound minds to know that a better day is coming. And after all that, He made a way for us to be victorious over the temptation of putting our trust in anything other than Him.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God [is] faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [it]. " 1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV
So what's our way of escaping worry? God's peace. God's presence. God's people. When we get in the presence of God and praise Him, He will fill us with His peace and remind us of the hope we have in Him. His love casts out every fear. His hope reminds us that He has good plans for us. His people surround us and lift us up in prayer. He is good and greatly to be praised- even now. Especially now.
Thoughts about circumstances and situations that I cannot change. Worry began to creep into my bedroom, sulking in the corners with it's dark oozing poison to rob me of a peaceful rest. As I'm lying there being bombarded by the troubles of my life, a verse keeps replaying in my mind.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV
With each thought, I remember that verse and pray that God would help me trust Him in these situations. The opposite of trust is worry. So by worrying about these issues and situations, I was not trusting that God was in control. I was instead, taking away the hope and faith I have in Christ and worrying over situations beyond my abilities. Now how much sense does that make?
I can't solve these problems. But yet here I was taking them away from the one who can! Doesn't take much common sense to know that worrying about things I cannot change and taking them out of the hands of my capable heavenly Father is pretty stupid on my part.
So rather than lay there worrying more, my sleep already disturbed, I got up and found a Christian chatroom. Would you believe me if I told you that the very first verse anyone posted in the room was 2 Timothy 1:7.
What does it say? God has not given us a spirit of fear (or worry) but a "spirit of power" and love and a sound mind. Power for what? Power to overcome our fear? Power to overcome our worry? Power to keep our eyes fixed on the one who has the answers to the questions that are plaguing our sleepless nights? "And of love"- the Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear. Oh what a good God we serve. He knew we needed His perfect love and His power to overcome our fear and He even knew to write about it in His word so that we would know the solution to our fear and worry. Oh thank you Jesus.
I love this last part most "and of a sound mind." When I'm lying in my bed at night, unable to sleep, it is so easy for the enemy to come at me with his accusations that I'm unstable. He knows that this is an area of weakness in my life and he will use it every chance he gets. But God knew that too. He knew how the enemy would try to come against our minds and our hearts and so He gave us the last part of this verse to remind us that we have sound minds. We are not crazy. We are not unstable. We are not insane. We do not belong in asylums - though some of my friends might disagree. In Jesus we have sound minds, stable minds.
Isn't God good? He made a way out. Even when we are facing the fear and worry of dark days- God has given us power to overcome, His perfect love to cast out every spirit of fear, and sound minds to know that a better day is coming. And after all that, He made a way for us to be victorious over the temptation of putting our trust in anything other than Him.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God [is] faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [it]. " 1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV
So what's our way of escaping worry? God's peace. God's presence. God's people. When we get in the presence of God and praise Him, He will fill us with His peace and remind us of the hope we have in Him. His love casts out every fear. His hope reminds us that He has good plans for us. His people surround us and lift us up in prayer. He is good and greatly to be praised- even now. Especially now.
My Life Verse
Not long after I became a believer, God led me (through a wise woman) to the verse written in First Peter 3:4. If you haven't already seen it on my blog header, here it is again.
"But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." 1 Peter 3:4 KJV
This verse struck a chord in my spirit and I began memorizing it. I studied the word meanings and searched where else they had been used in the Word. It has become a navigation in my life. I believe whole-heartedly that this is what God asks of my life- that it would, with His help and light- reflect this verse. That I would be molded into a person with a gentle and quiet spirit.
Meekness should never be mistaken for weakness. It is not mousy or wimpy. There is nothing inferior about having a meek and quiet heart. This is a heart that waits on God, trusts in Him, and confides in Him. It is not a heart that is proud or boastful, but one that gives glory to God. This is who I am called to be and I believe this is who God is molding me to be. When I allow myself to be shaped into His image, I become like Him and His light shines through me.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Another Summer
Another summer dedicated to the Coast Guard. Three months he'll be in Virginia while I tend to the bills, children, and house. But you know what, this is military life and at least he'll be some place safe- A-School. For that I'm thankful. God will sustain us in all this just as He has sustained us through everything. He is our fortress and our strength. It's going to be fun with the girls. Hoping to make it to TN to visit my family. I miss them so much.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Remnants
For some reason I could not sleep in this morning. So as my husband found his way to the bathroom, I laid awake in bed and a thought came to my mind- or perhaps God spoke to my heart- to get up and read and pray. Now I must confess that I have not truly done this in probably half a year. My life has spun out of control and I have been up to this moment content to watch it, hang on for all I'm worth, and hopefully survive.
Anyway, so I got up this morning out of my bed and went into the living room to pull out my Bible. I crawled back in bed with it, a pen and a notebook. My Bible dropped open to Isaiah 9 and I read starting in verse 8 through to the end of chapter 11.
What was it about? God stretched out His hand against rebellious Israel, a hand of righteous anger. They had been trusting in other things rather than in Him. Sound familiar? It does to me. He let nations come against His people. But He did not do so without knowing the outcome, the remnant remained and turned back to Him and never again depended on him who had defeated them, but instead depended upon the Lord God of Israel.
I can see the parallel clearly as I sit and write this post. Like Israel, I had put my mind and trust on things other than God. And God set His hand against the things around my life for a time, to bring me back to Him. He knew that this would happen, that I would be sitting here writing this from deep within, grasping on the one breath of air that has made it's way into this lifeless existence- without Him there is no life or breath, no being.
And so, He let my world spiral knowing that the end result would be me on my knees before Him, seeking Him and putting my trust in Him again. And I cling to this, that the remnant of Israel which remained was USEFUL. Even after all the nations had risen against them, the remnant was USEFUL and VALUABLE TO GOD- a precious stone of great price in His eyes, His beloved, His child.
Am I of worth and value as well? Apart from Him I am nothing, but with Him and through Him I am His child, His beloved, His created. He sought after me when I was hard of heart and He pursued me when I was straying from the flock. He left the ninety-nine to find me and bring me back into the safety of the fold. I'd say that would make me worth something to Him. And I'm betting it makes you worth something to Him as well.
Our God is faithful even when we are unfaithful for He cannot disown Himself. His love is unconditional and His mercy is new each morning. I'm humbled to think that God would allow me to go through so many things in these last six months, knowing full-well that they would bring me here. Because He saw all the pain, heartache, despair, all the muck and mire I would face to get here. And STILL, still He said- It's worth it to me to bring her back. And He endured a great deal of my shaking my fist and slamming doors in His face to do so.
Thank You God that You are constant and true, steady in all things. For your mercy and grace which seem boundless. For Your love which is unconditional and for seeking after me even when I didn't want to be found. You do not force Yourself upon anyone, but You stay knocking. Thank You for knocking long and hard enough that I finally heard You in the midst of my circumstances and let You come in and help me out of this mess. If there is anyone reading this Lord, who sees themselves in this place- let them cry out to You and put their trust in You again, knowing that You are forever faithful. You desire our best and You give us Yours. Thank You for loving us beyond where we are. Amen
Anyway, so I got up this morning out of my bed and went into the living room to pull out my Bible. I crawled back in bed with it, a pen and a notebook. My Bible dropped open to Isaiah 9 and I read starting in verse 8 through to the end of chapter 11.
What was it about? God stretched out His hand against rebellious Israel, a hand of righteous anger. They had been trusting in other things rather than in Him. Sound familiar? It does to me. He let nations come against His people. But He did not do so without knowing the outcome, the remnant remained and turned back to Him and never again depended on him who had defeated them, but instead depended upon the Lord God of Israel.
I can see the parallel clearly as I sit and write this post. Like Israel, I had put my mind and trust on things other than God. And God set His hand against the things around my life for a time, to bring me back to Him. He knew that this would happen, that I would be sitting here writing this from deep within, grasping on the one breath of air that has made it's way into this lifeless existence- without Him there is no life or breath, no being.
And so, He let my world spiral knowing that the end result would be me on my knees before Him, seeking Him and putting my trust in Him again. And I cling to this, that the remnant of Israel which remained was USEFUL. Even after all the nations had risen against them, the remnant was USEFUL and VALUABLE TO GOD- a precious stone of great price in His eyes, His beloved, His child.
Am I of worth and value as well? Apart from Him I am nothing, but with Him and through Him I am His child, His beloved, His created. He sought after me when I was hard of heart and He pursued me when I was straying from the flock. He left the ninety-nine to find me and bring me back into the safety of the fold. I'd say that would make me worth something to Him. And I'm betting it makes you worth something to Him as well.
Our God is faithful even when we are unfaithful for He cannot disown Himself. His love is unconditional and His mercy is new each morning. I'm humbled to think that God would allow me to go through so many things in these last six months, knowing full-well that they would bring me here. Because He saw all the pain, heartache, despair, all the muck and mire I would face to get here. And STILL, still He said- It's worth it to me to bring her back. And He endured a great deal of my shaking my fist and slamming doors in His face to do so.
Thank You God that You are constant and true, steady in all things. For your mercy and grace which seem boundless. For Your love which is unconditional and for seeking after me even when I didn't want to be found. You do not force Yourself upon anyone, but You stay knocking. Thank You for knocking long and hard enough that I finally heard You in the midst of my circumstances and let You come in and help me out of this mess. If there is anyone reading this Lord, who sees themselves in this place- let them cry out to You and put their trust in You again, knowing that You are forever faithful. You desire our best and You give us Yours. Thank You for loving us beyond where we are. Amen
Friday, January 23, 2009
Please Pray for Us
My husband lost his job today, due to the downturn in the economy. He is already out looking for something else. Pray that God will direct him and open up a door to something better for our family. Thank you so much.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
It Starts Today!
The challenge lasts 12 weeks. I'm hoping to shed 20 lbs. I'm keeping a food log again as well. Wee! I'm ashamed to say this but since October-ish I've gained back everything I lost before Evan came home (15 lbs) and then 5 more for a total of 20 lbs gained. So if I make it to the 20 lbs during this challenge it will put me back where I was. Then I need to lose another 40. SO maybe by Christmas this year I'll be a good weight again. LOL! Just breaking it down into small goals.
For this week my plan is to eat all my WWs daily points, earn 2 activity points every other day, move more, and drink all my needed water. I went grocery shopping last night and got some easy WW things too so that I dont always have to be cooking. That was a downfall for me the first time. I need things I can just grab, nuke, and eat because I am not really one to slave over a stove every meal of the day.
Wish me luck and if you think of some good easy crockpot recipes for WWs let me know :)
For this week my plan is to eat all my WWs daily points, earn 2 activity points every other day, move more, and drink all my needed water. I went grocery shopping last night and got some easy WW things too so that I dont always have to be cooking. That was a downfall for me the first time. I need things I can just grab, nuke, and eat because I am not really one to slave over a stove every meal of the day.
Wish me luck and if you think of some good easy crockpot recipes for WWs let me know :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Weight Loss Challenge Week 1
Alright folks. It's a new year and I'm going to shed these pounds once and for all. Being a mom, you would think that I'd be too busy to eat or sit or gain weight but apparently that's not entirely true.
SO here we go! Thursday January 22, 2009 I am starting my weight loss challenge with my local mommies group. The challenge lasts 12 weeks and I am hoping to lose 20 lbs during the challenge. If I'm successful I am going to do a little shopping for some clothes.
Then I will be about 1/3 of the way to my goal. I need to lose about 60 lbs total. I'm not going to post my weight so please don't ask. Why am I doing this? NO it's not just wanting to lose weight. I want to be healthy. SO, come and encourage me once in a while or check in to see how I'm doing. I'd really appreciate it.
Lord, give me strength!
SO here we go! Thursday January 22, 2009 I am starting my weight loss challenge with my local mommies group. The challenge lasts 12 weeks and I am hoping to lose 20 lbs during the challenge. If I'm successful I am going to do a little shopping for some clothes.
Then I will be about 1/3 of the way to my goal. I need to lose about 60 lbs total. I'm not going to post my weight so please don't ask. Why am I doing this? NO it's not just wanting to lose weight. I want to be healthy. SO, come and encourage me once in a while or check in to see how I'm doing. I'd really appreciate it.
Lord, give me strength!
Update on Us
I finished the rough draft of my novel! Woo! Been enjoying my addiction to making soap as well.
Evan is doing well, still trying to work out things with going active duty through the Coast Guard.
The girls are busy. Hailey had the joy of seeing snow for the first time. Yes, we actually had some pretty white powdery snow this week. The last time we had any of that was 2003. That was fun!
Friday, January 9, 2009
2009 Could Be Interesting
So, a few changes may be coming to our little family. God seems to be taking us in some interesting directions. Evan is trying to go active duty. This could be a long process. I'll try to update when we know things. Pray that God would direct his steps.
As for me, well I'm back to my roots; WRITING! It has been a refreshing time to let the words pour out and come alive. I have always enjoyed writing and have a poetry collection on my computer but the last few days I have cranked out 30,000 plus words for a novel. I guess it's my creative outlet. Where it will go, I have no idea; I'm just enjoying the process.
Another major event that should play out by the end of the summer is that we are almost out of debt. We hope to be completely debt free by the end of September this year. This has truly been a God-driven desire of ours. Looking forward to finally getting there.
Hope all is well with everyone and that God is blessing you abundantly. Keep in touch. I'll try to do better with my keeping up this place this year. Until next time...
Wow, I'm behind!
The girls are growing up fast! Clara is 1 year old and Hailey is 3 1/2 years old. She goes to preschool three days a week. Clara is walking and trying to talk. They look alike but with two polar personalities. Hailey is a doer, Clara is a thinker.
Evan is now in the Coast Guard Reserves. Life is going okay. Always a little chaos or craziness but it keeps us light on our feet. That's about it for now.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Reflections from 2008
Well, a new year has dawned. Life has had some crazy twists and turns this past year. My husband went to basic training and is now in the Coast Guard Reserves. That was ten weeks of being a single parent.
Our girls are now 3 1/2 years old and 1 year old. Amazing how quickly they grow up. I am still awestruck at how blessed I am to have such beautiful and sweet children. Of course, I say this in the wake of dealing with the terrible threes. Some days I want to pull out my hair.
Additionally, I'm still at home with the girls every day. Whew! What a blessing and what an exhausting job I have. My goodness some times it's just a zoo here. And I know what some of you are thinking, you only have two children. Haha! I know.
Hailey started pre-school this year and absolutely loves it. She is going to a little place up the road and has six children, including herself, in her class. This one is a smarty. It will be interesting to see what this coming year brings for our little peanut.
Clara is a curious child. She watches people. She's walking all over the place and absolutely a joy (most of the time.) It's been so fun watching her personality change and develop. I look forward to what is to come.
We're still busy with our church when we can find the time between Evan's job and photography, Hailey's school and gymnastics, and all the other things families do. Here's hoping everyone's year panned out okay.
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