Fallen Eve

I found myself acting like fallen Eve tonight. I cannot tell you how many outfits I tried on. "Am I lovely? Do I look okay? Is there anything beautiful in me? Do you even see me?" My heart asked these questions as I stood in front of the judge- my full length mirror. And each time I removed the outfit to don another, the answer echoed painfully across my heart. "No. No you are not. You do not look lovely. You look overweight. You look frumpy. You look less than lovely."

Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."

As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.