Rough Moments

It has been a very hard day. Uncovering lies is never pretty. I admit, my reaction was poor and will probably prevent my spouse from coming clean with me in the future- and for that I am deeply sorry. But I am so tired of the lies and deception. I'm so tired of feeling like I am the only one in this fight.

When we are hurt we want to sink inside ourselves and keep the whole world at bay. That is how I feel right now. I'm sick of being wounded and broken. I'm sick of allowing these circumstances to affect me.

My marriage is a mess. No matter how much I pray and work on myself, it's not getting any better. It's sick. Only God can heal it and He seems to be taking His sweet, precious time. I just wish I coud see why.

I'm certain I had a hand in all of this somewhere. My marriage wasn't perfect before all of this happened, and yet I can't even begin to work on that because my spouse will not open up that area of his heart yet. So here I am, waiting. And it's hard and it seems I have been waiting for so long. I know what God's word says- I keep repeating i over and over to myself. But I don't feel like it's sinking in.

Where did the freedom go? I felt so much freedom and so much peace and so much joy. Where is it now? Where is God's comfort and love for me? I reject the lie in my head that it was all just a dream, a fantasy. It was real. I know it was real. I accepted it- it changed me. So that lie can just leave me aone in Jesus name.

I do not have much strength left to fight this war, but God in me is stronger. If I can stand, He can fight. If I cannot stand, I can come to Him with my broken heart and tears and pour them out before Him and the Holy Spirit can pray for me when I cannot even speak because my world feels so heavy.

I long to be swept away and carried off to a beautiful place where there is no pain- just for a while. But the Prince of Peace tarries so. It must be for my benefit.

Lord help me to hold onto hope even when the rope I'm clinging to is unraveling before me. Help me to draw near to You even when it gives me splinters and causes me tears. Help me to be the woman You created me to be- even if that means being broken for a while so You can make me whole.

Thanks for listening whoever might read this...never give up unless you are giving it up to Jesus.