Life can be a bumpy ride. The ups and downs can make us sick if we are not prepared through our personal time with God. If our perspective is wrong, something like a confession from your spouse meant to open the lines of communication can turn into a real battlefield for the enemy.
God has been working. He is not silent. I am thankful for this. The confession was heartfelt and I am thankful that my spouse was able to share this struggle with me and ask for my help in his overcoming it. In honor of his request, I took the computer with me to class today. No other computer in our house has internet and the fact that he asked me to do such a thing shows just how much change is happening. God is just amazing....
It could have been a disaster.. but by extending grace and listening to the Holy Spirit as He helped me see why my spouse was telling me these things and asking me to take the computer out of the house when I leave, it brought hope instead of dismay. That's God in the midst of the storm...
Not everything is positive, but I am choosing to focus on what is positive rather than on what is negative. Thus far, to my knowledge, my spouse has honored his commitment to stay off his personal facebook account (and leave it inactivated), get rid of the internet/text/facebook on his phone, and cut all ties... He has taken steps towards building our marriage back up. He has shown signs of repentance and has been vulnerable towards me in his weaknesses so that I can lift him up in prayer. I would love for him to find an accountability partner/group but that is something that God has to show him to do. In the meantime I am thankful for the people who are coming along side him and encouraging him.
He has not yet contacted our Pastor about renewing our vows but we have talked about it on several occassions. He is waiting on the prayer ministry first- and I think that's wise.
I am thankful for progress and looking forward to the future. Continuing in prayer and with grace...
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Shaking it Up
The enemy is not happy. He is waging war on us. In the last week I have had three near-accidents while driving. I am a cautious driver and I watch where I am going. The first one on my way to campus, a pedestrian was crossing the street at the wrong time and thankfully I was going slow enough and saw him so I did not have to slam on my breaks- but barely- and that isn't the sort of thing I miss. The most recent, I was going through a parking lot and a truck was parked on one side, I was going to go around when a car came from behind the truck and nearly hit me head on- with the girls in the car.
I say this not to glorify the enemy but to say that God is more powerful. In all of these circumstances, God shielded us and kept the accidents from occurring. He ir our fortress and our shield, our protector.
The enemy has also brought up little things to cause bickering between my spouse and I. This is part of the crazy cycle. Little things that are said that hurt me, cause me to react towards him without respect, which cause him to react without love. And so it spins. Last night it was over my being too tired to watch a movie. Now really, how is that a big deal, certainly not. And the enemy would have loved for us to go to sleep angry but God helped us ask for forgiveness and find peace. Another plan foiled....
Our children have been unruly this week. Now they are kids and kids sometimes are a little stressful but this is out of this world. But as we practice Godly parenting, the enemy is losing this battle for our children.
He is losing the battle for our marriage. He is losing the battle for our home. God is victorious. And the enemy isn't happy. Keep us covered in prayer. There are thousands of things that could crash down on us at any moment - but in God's sustaining power we know and believe that He is going to get us through this and we will be astronger, more united team because of it
Continuing to pray--and walk where God leads and ignore the million other pathways that He isn't leading us down.
I say this not to glorify the enemy but to say that God is more powerful. In all of these circumstances, God shielded us and kept the accidents from occurring. He ir our fortress and our shield, our protector.
The enemy has also brought up little things to cause bickering between my spouse and I. This is part of the crazy cycle. Little things that are said that hurt me, cause me to react towards him without respect, which cause him to react without love. And so it spins. Last night it was over my being too tired to watch a movie. Now really, how is that a big deal, certainly not. And the enemy would have loved for us to go to sleep angry but God helped us ask for forgiveness and find peace. Another plan foiled....
Our children have been unruly this week. Now they are kids and kids sometimes are a little stressful but this is out of this world. But as we practice Godly parenting, the enemy is losing this battle for our children.
He is losing the battle for our marriage. He is losing the battle for our home. God is victorious. And the enemy isn't happy. Keep us covered in prayer. There are thousands of things that could crash down on us at any moment - but in God's sustaining power we know and believe that He is going to get us through this and we will be astronger, more united team because of it
Continuing to pray--and walk where God leads and ignore the million other pathways that He isn't leading us down.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
One Step at a Time
In the last week, I have had the joy and blessing of watching my husband begin to really fight for his life and our marriage- to snatch them back from the hands of the enemy. It has been a wonderful encouragement to watch and also a spiritual battlefield in our lives.
As he closed his personal facebook account, I stood in amazement at God working in such a little thing. He gave me the phone bill and asked me to call the company and have his text messaging, internet, and facebook turned off on his phone. I did so and he seemed relieved. We talked about having a program like SafeEyes in the future on our computer as a preventative measure, a good wall between him and temptation. I have watched him begin reading the word and praying again. He met with a friend and mentor and that was another positive step. We have started reading a book about marriage together, and praying together. All these things initiated by him. What a blessing!
The other day he said that he wanted to renew our vows- after he completes the freedom ministry. I think this is a wonderful idea! He has no idea how that has spoken to my womanly heart. How much hope that births in my spirit. He said he would call our pastor today and talk to him about it and find out if there were any steps we needed to complete before doing this. I stand in amazement at how when we step back and get out of God's way, He takes over and works a miracle where we have failed.
Communication has been better between us for the most part. Yesterday we took a spin on the crazy cycle but we both recognized it and later that night we were able to talk about it and reflect on how we might have done things differently. We both apologized and had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness for our lack of respect and lack of love toward each other. Another coin deposited into the love bank :) Another step in the right direction.
We have a long road ahead of us but I am convinced that we will get through this. I am convinced that we are stronger because of this and that God will use this. I sit here, so very thankful for the man God gave me to love and cherish in this life and so thankful for the restoration and redemption that is working itself out in our lives.
As he closed his personal facebook account, I stood in amazement at God working in such a little thing. He gave me the phone bill and asked me to call the company and have his text messaging, internet, and facebook turned off on his phone. I did so and he seemed relieved. We talked about having a program like SafeEyes in the future on our computer as a preventative measure, a good wall between him and temptation. I have watched him begin reading the word and praying again. He met with a friend and mentor and that was another positive step. We have started reading a book about marriage together, and praying together. All these things initiated by him. What a blessing!
The other day he said that he wanted to renew our vows- after he completes the freedom ministry. I think this is a wonderful idea! He has no idea how that has spoken to my womanly heart. How much hope that births in my spirit. He said he would call our pastor today and talk to him about it and find out if there were any steps we needed to complete before doing this. I stand in amazement at how when we step back and get out of God's way, He takes over and works a miracle where we have failed.
Communication has been better between us for the most part. Yesterday we took a spin on the crazy cycle but we both recognized it and later that night we were able to talk about it and reflect on how we might have done things differently. We both apologized and had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness for our lack of respect and lack of love toward each other. Another coin deposited into the love bank :) Another step in the right direction.
We have a long road ahead of us but I am convinced that we will get through this. I am convinced that we are stronger because of this and that God will use this. I sit here, so very thankful for the man God gave me to love and cherish in this life and so thankful for the restoration and redemption that is working itself out in our lives.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Lessons Learned
Through this battle for my marriage, which really took on a new dimension about two months ago, I have learned many lessons- often difficult ones. I share them now hoping they will somehow help another woman or man on this difficult but rewarding road of reclaiming their marriage back from the hands of the enemy.
I have learned that God is constant. Everything else in my life can change in a moment but God is faithful and true. He can strip away my husband, my children, my income, my friends, my family, and everything else. If I have God, I will be okay.
I have learned the power of godly love. There were times when I could have lost it, blown up over the situation or crumbled under the heartbreak but instead made the decision to love- even when in return I would be slapped (figuratively speaking) in the face for making the right choice. Choosing love doesn't mean the other person is right, it means you are choosing to do things God's way and God loves them and so you choose to react in love and kindness rather than in the flesh.
I have learned the power of just shutting up. The first six weeks I probably spent most of the time TALKING about the situation. Talking about how to fix it, talking to my husband about what he needed to do and had to do, talking to God about how much this has hurt me. On Thursday this week at my women's Bible study I committed to getting out of God's way and letting God do what He needed to do in my husband. I committed to continue praying with my husband but to not speak of the situation unless my husband brought it up or unless God specifically gave me something to say. Twenty four to forty-eight hours later my husband sent me an email (since he was out of state) telling me he was ready to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage and get things right, and that he was tired of letting the enemy win. The fight isn't over yet- but God accomplished more in those two days than I or anyone else had in 6 weeks. Which brings me to my next point.
I've learned that only God speaks my husband's language. No, I'm not talking about love languages here- although knowing those are beneficial to a marriage. I'm talking actual heart-to-heart language. You see, God speaks to each of us uniquely and all my talking to my husband, trying to encourage him to do the right thing, trying to help him understand what so many people were asking of him and why they were asking those things, never got through to him. But the moment I began to understand that God is the only one who can speak into his heart in that way and let loose the controls, things began to change a little at a time.
I've learned that living in freedom is a daily walk. Each morning we get up and must put on the armor of God and claim our freedom in Christ. Neglecting to do this is going into battle without any weapons- we will be defeated in a matter of moments. We must arm ourselves for the spiritual battle just as well as we would arm ourselves for a physical battle.
I've learned that I am NOT my circumstances, NOT my problems, NOT my husband's problems, and NOT my wounds. I am someone entirely beautiful and beloved of God. I am His daughter. I am strong in ways I never saw, and beautiful in ways that only God can see. He cherishes me and finds value in me. Who I am, is not a settled question. But my identity is first as a daughter of God, and second as the person God created me to be- whoever she is. Beyond that I am a GOOD mother, a GOOD wife, and a GOOD friend. God is slowly revealing my person, but it is taking time and my personality seems to be taking shape as I walk in my God-given freedom and in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned that even in a bleak reality, God grants hope. My circumstances don't own me. Even when the world is crumbling, I can have confidence that God is in control, that He can work things out for my good and His glory, and that I can look forward to the future. The clouds won't always be gray. The sun won't always be hidden.
I've learned the importance of having one or two godly women in my life who can provide support, encouragement, and wisdom and speak into my life. Women who pray with me and hold me accountable for my own issues. I am thankful for these women in my life and cherish the relationships that are developing there.
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I will have more as I continue on this journey to reclaim my marriage alongside my husband. God is good and He desires His best for us. He doesn't do anything half way!
I have learned that God is constant. Everything else in my life can change in a moment but God is faithful and true. He can strip away my husband, my children, my income, my friends, my family, and everything else. If I have God, I will be okay.
I have learned the power of godly love. There were times when I could have lost it, blown up over the situation or crumbled under the heartbreak but instead made the decision to love- even when in return I would be slapped (figuratively speaking) in the face for making the right choice. Choosing love doesn't mean the other person is right, it means you are choosing to do things God's way and God loves them and so you choose to react in love and kindness rather than in the flesh.
I have learned the power of just shutting up. The first six weeks I probably spent most of the time TALKING about the situation. Talking about how to fix it, talking to my husband about what he needed to do and had to do, talking to God about how much this has hurt me. On Thursday this week at my women's Bible study I committed to getting out of God's way and letting God do what He needed to do in my husband. I committed to continue praying with my husband but to not speak of the situation unless my husband brought it up or unless God specifically gave me something to say. Twenty four to forty-eight hours later my husband sent me an email (since he was out of state) telling me he was ready to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage and get things right, and that he was tired of letting the enemy win. The fight isn't over yet- but God accomplished more in those two days than I or anyone else had in 6 weeks. Which brings me to my next point.
I've learned that only God speaks my husband's language. No, I'm not talking about love languages here- although knowing those are beneficial to a marriage. I'm talking actual heart-to-heart language. You see, God speaks to each of us uniquely and all my talking to my husband, trying to encourage him to do the right thing, trying to help him understand what so many people were asking of him and why they were asking those things, never got through to him. But the moment I began to understand that God is the only one who can speak into his heart in that way and let loose the controls, things began to change a little at a time.
I've learned that living in freedom is a daily walk. Each morning we get up and must put on the armor of God and claim our freedom in Christ. Neglecting to do this is going into battle without any weapons- we will be defeated in a matter of moments. We must arm ourselves for the spiritual battle just as well as we would arm ourselves for a physical battle.
I've learned that I am NOT my circumstances, NOT my problems, NOT my husband's problems, and NOT my wounds. I am someone entirely beautiful and beloved of God. I am His daughter. I am strong in ways I never saw, and beautiful in ways that only God can see. He cherishes me and finds value in me. Who I am, is not a settled question. But my identity is first as a daughter of God, and second as the person God created me to be- whoever she is. Beyond that I am a GOOD mother, a GOOD wife, and a GOOD friend. God is slowly revealing my person, but it is taking time and my personality seems to be taking shape as I walk in my God-given freedom and in the power of the Holy Spirit.
I've learned that even in a bleak reality, God grants hope. My circumstances don't own me. Even when the world is crumbling, I can have confidence that God is in control, that He can work things out for my good and His glory, and that I can look forward to the future. The clouds won't always be gray. The sun won't always be hidden.
I've learned the importance of having one or two godly women in my life who can provide support, encouragement, and wisdom and speak into my life. Women who pray with me and hold me accountable for my own issues. I am thankful for these women in my life and cherish the relationships that are developing there.
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I will have more as I continue on this journey to reclaim my marriage alongside my husband. God is good and He desires His best for us. He doesn't do anything half way!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hope for the Future
A wise frend of mine told me recently to visualize my life beyond all these storms. What will it look like? What will I have possibly learned? How will I be transformed?
I sat here thinking about this tonight... Sorry, I just had an intense urge to go outside and watch the sky turn dark. Be back to this in a few....
Ahhh, the goodness of God. I don't know what it is about my backyard but something about it is amazingly peaceful. It's not the most beautiful piece of creation but it certainly draws me closer to my heavenly Father.
As I sat there tonight, I asked God to show me that He was here. He sent me some chirping crickets- a perfect ochestra for my poetic heart. It is such a blessing to know that He is here with me, and cares enough to show me that fact. What a loving Daddy.
The wind blew softly this evening as the sun was setting, and as the wind blew past me I heard a still small voice in my heart. "Child, I love you. I see you. I hear your prayers," it seemed to say to me. I smiled and thanked God for His creation, His ability to speak to me through that creation, and His enduring and unconditional love. There is so much hope in Jesus. So much joy and peace.
I felt the change the minute I walked out the door and sat down. My spirit settled, and my mind stilled for a few moments. I was at peace and my soul had a song all it's own. There is something amazing about it all, some divine gift that only my heart can see. Who else in my family experiences these moments in the backyard?
My children find happiness, playing and chasing each other around the green expanse with a hedge of trees running from one end of the yards end to the other. My husband finds quiet time in his dimly lit shop or standing watch over the grilling meat. Those are good things. But what I find there is a sanctuary, a restorative place for my heart and spirit. A place that invites, no welcomes the voice of God and speaks to my very innermost parts.
My foster mom has a place like this- or at least she did when I lived there. It was her deck. She used to sit out there summer, winter, fall, spring. I always thought it peculiar, but I understand it now. That was her place to talk to God- to lay her own heart bare before Him and to study His word and find renewal for her spirit. It spoke to her the way my blotchy green backyward speaks to me. Something about nature must have been designed by God to nurture our spirits. Going to the beach often breathes poetry into my words. Sitting in my backyard breathes life into my bones, peace into my heart. Where do you get away that speaks to you this way?
The hope of God. The hope of God says that I will not always be here. That we will move beyond these places. I believe in my heart that we will- I include my husband in this. I do not know God's plan or how He will accomplish it but I know it is God's desire to restore and strengthen and reclaim our marriage and our lives. I know that God desires His best for us and for our children. I also know that my heavenly Father is so much stronger than the enemy who is attacking us. So the future looks bright when I think of it in terms of God's will and promises. His Word says that He desires to bring us a hope and a future. That's enough to keep on hanging on for now :)
Lord thank You for Your amazing creation and for the way You speak to my heart. Thank You for Your peace, joy, and love that You give so freely. Thank You for the reminder that You hear the cries of our hearts. Teach us to listen more to Your heart and a little less to our own. Amen
I sat here thinking about this tonight... Sorry, I just had an intense urge to go outside and watch the sky turn dark. Be back to this in a few....
Ahhh, the goodness of God. I don't know what it is about my backyard but something about it is amazingly peaceful. It's not the most beautiful piece of creation but it certainly draws me closer to my heavenly Father.
As I sat there tonight, I asked God to show me that He was here. He sent me some chirping crickets- a perfect ochestra for my poetic heart. It is such a blessing to know that He is here with me, and cares enough to show me that fact. What a loving Daddy.
The wind blew softly this evening as the sun was setting, and as the wind blew past me I heard a still small voice in my heart. "Child, I love you. I see you. I hear your prayers," it seemed to say to me. I smiled and thanked God for His creation, His ability to speak to me through that creation, and His enduring and unconditional love. There is so much hope in Jesus. So much joy and peace.
I felt the change the minute I walked out the door and sat down. My spirit settled, and my mind stilled for a few moments. I was at peace and my soul had a song all it's own. There is something amazing about it all, some divine gift that only my heart can see. Who else in my family experiences these moments in the backyard?
My children find happiness, playing and chasing each other around the green expanse with a hedge of trees running from one end of the yards end to the other. My husband finds quiet time in his dimly lit shop or standing watch over the grilling meat. Those are good things. But what I find there is a sanctuary, a restorative place for my heart and spirit. A place that invites, no welcomes the voice of God and speaks to my very innermost parts.
My foster mom has a place like this- or at least she did when I lived there. It was her deck. She used to sit out there summer, winter, fall, spring. I always thought it peculiar, but I understand it now. That was her place to talk to God- to lay her own heart bare before Him and to study His word and find renewal for her spirit. It spoke to her the way my blotchy green backyward speaks to me. Something about nature must have been designed by God to nurture our spirits. Going to the beach often breathes poetry into my words. Sitting in my backyard breathes life into my bones, peace into my heart. Where do you get away that speaks to you this way?
The hope of God. The hope of God says that I will not always be here. That we will move beyond these places. I believe in my heart that we will- I include my husband in this. I do not know God's plan or how He will accomplish it but I know it is God's desire to restore and strengthen and reclaim our marriage and our lives. I know that God desires His best for us and for our children. I also know that my heavenly Father is so much stronger than the enemy who is attacking us. So the future looks bright when I think of it in terms of God's will and promises. His Word says that He desires to bring us a hope and a future. That's enough to keep on hanging on for now :)
Lord thank You for Your amazing creation and for the way You speak to my heart. Thank You for Your peace, joy, and love that You give so freely. Thank You for the reminder that You hear the cries of our hearts. Teach us to listen more to Your heart and a little less to our own. Amen
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Removing Cloudy Skies
It's been cloudy in Wilmington for two days now.... and in my life...
Good perspective.....
Clouds... be gone! Ha! I jest.
But really, truly, when it comes to our walks with God sometimes it really is THAT SIMPLE!
Example, after getting off the phone I opened up my Bible, did some praying, turned on my favorite praise CD- Rita Springer- and let the clouds roll on by.
I sent my husband an encouraging email while he was sitting at a bar feeling the weight of defeat- and hopefully it helped. I prayed for him- really prayed for him. Not for change, not for our situation, but for him and his heart because I know that God speaks his language. I may not understand it, but God does.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear to get through this- GOD knows my husband better than I do. God knows my husband's heart better than I do. And God knows His plans for our marriage and our lives together better than I do.
So that enemy, that oppressing spirit took a hike and hopefully he won't be returning for a good long while. Sometimes we have to learn the difficult way just how easy it is to become ensnared again to the things we've already been delivered from. Sometimes all it takes for us to get back on the right road is a wise word from a kind friend at the end of a conversation.
Thank You God for the friends You have put in my life, for the deliverance that I walk in, for the peace that ordains my steps. Keep me hidden in the shadow of Your wing and let me soar high above the clouds. Help me to see when my own mindsets are interfering with Your will and correct me swiftly. Keep me teachable and open to hearing Your voice. Bless my friends and all the people who come here. In Jesus name. Amen
Good perspective.....
Clouds... be gone! Ha! I jest.
But really, truly, when it comes to our walks with God sometimes it really is THAT SIMPLE!
Example, after getting off the phone I opened up my Bible, did some praying, turned on my favorite praise CD- Rita Springer- and let the clouds roll on by.
I sent my husband an encouraging email while he was sitting at a bar feeling the weight of defeat- and hopefully it helped. I prayed for him- really prayed for him. Not for change, not for our situation, but for him and his heart because I know that God speaks his language. I may not understand it, but God does.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear to get through this- GOD knows my husband better than I do. God knows my husband's heart better than I do. And God knows His plans for our marriage and our lives together better than I do.
So that enemy, that oppressing spirit took a hike and hopefully he won't be returning for a good long while. Sometimes we have to learn the difficult way just how easy it is to become ensnared again to the things we've already been delivered from. Sometimes all it takes for us to get back on the right road is a wise word from a kind friend at the end of a conversation.
Thank You God for the friends You have put in my life, for the deliverance that I walk in, for the peace that ordains my steps. Keep me hidden in the shadow of Your wing and let me soar high above the clouds. Help me to see when my own mindsets are interfering with Your will and correct me swiftly. Keep me teachable and open to hearing Your voice. Bless my friends and all the people who come here. In Jesus name. Amen
Monday, October 5, 2009
Rough Moments
It has been a very hard day. Uncovering lies is never pretty. I admit, my reaction was poor and will probably prevent my spouse from coming clean with me in the future- and for that I am deeply sorry. But I am so tired of the lies and deception. I'm so tired of feeling like I am the only one in this fight.
When we are hurt we want to sink inside ourselves and keep the whole world at bay. That is how I feel right now. I'm sick of being wounded and broken. I'm sick of allowing these circumstances to affect me.
My marriage is a mess. No matter how much I pray and work on myself, it's not getting any better. It's sick. Only God can heal it and He seems to be taking His sweet, precious time. I just wish I coud see why.
I'm certain I had a hand in all of this somewhere. My marriage wasn't perfect before all of this happened, and yet I can't even begin to work on that because my spouse will not open up that area of his heart yet. So here I am, waiting. And it's hard and it seems I have been waiting for so long. I know what God's word says- I keep repeating i over and over to myself. But I don't feel like it's sinking in.
Where did the freedom go? I felt so much freedom and so much peace and so much joy. Where is it now? Where is God's comfort and love for me? I reject the lie in my head that it was all just a dream, a fantasy. It was real. I know it was real. I accepted it- it changed me. So that lie can just leave me aone in Jesus name.
I do not have much strength left to fight this war, but God in me is stronger. If I can stand, He can fight. If I cannot stand, I can come to Him with my broken heart and tears and pour them out before Him and the Holy Spirit can pray for me when I cannot even speak because my world feels so heavy.
I long to be swept away and carried off to a beautiful place where there is no pain- just for a while. But the Prince of Peace tarries so. It must be for my benefit.
Lord help me to hold onto hope even when the rope I'm clinging to is unraveling before me. Help me to draw near to You even when it gives me splinters and causes me tears. Help me to be the woman You created me to be- even if that means being broken for a while so You can make me whole.
Thanks for listening whoever might read this...never give up unless you are giving it up to Jesus.
When we are hurt we want to sink inside ourselves and keep the whole world at bay. That is how I feel right now. I'm sick of being wounded and broken. I'm sick of allowing these circumstances to affect me.
My marriage is a mess. No matter how much I pray and work on myself, it's not getting any better. It's sick. Only God can heal it and He seems to be taking His sweet, precious time. I just wish I coud see why.
I'm certain I had a hand in all of this somewhere. My marriage wasn't perfect before all of this happened, and yet I can't even begin to work on that because my spouse will not open up that area of his heart yet. So here I am, waiting. And it's hard and it seems I have been waiting for so long. I know what God's word says- I keep repeating i over and over to myself. But I don't feel like it's sinking in.
Where did the freedom go? I felt so much freedom and so much peace and so much joy. Where is it now? Where is God's comfort and love for me? I reject the lie in my head that it was all just a dream, a fantasy. It was real. I know it was real. I accepted it- it changed me. So that lie can just leave me aone in Jesus name.
I do not have much strength left to fight this war, but God in me is stronger. If I can stand, He can fight. If I cannot stand, I can come to Him with my broken heart and tears and pour them out before Him and the Holy Spirit can pray for me when I cannot even speak because my world feels so heavy.
I long to be swept away and carried off to a beautiful place where there is no pain- just for a while. But the Prince of Peace tarries so. It must be for my benefit.
Lord help me to hold onto hope even when the rope I'm clinging to is unraveling before me. Help me to draw near to You even when it gives me splinters and causes me tears. Help me to be the woman You created me to be- even if that means being broken for a while so You can make me whole.
Thanks for listening whoever might read this...never give up unless you are giving it up to Jesus.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lessons in Patience
Impatience is an ugly, greedy thing with which I often struggle. Recently God showed me how my impatience towards His plan was only complicating things further.
"But God, I've been waiting. How much longer will I be in this place?" I whined. I heard nothing. God didn't reply.
Growing up across the street from my great, great aunt I used to watch- and sometimes help- her prune her rose bushes every Tuesday. I don't know why she chose Tuesdays but that's the day she pruned them. Once I asked her why and she told me this story:
"My mother used to have rose bushes when I was a girl- beautiful strong bushes- and all the neighbors would come and buy them for special ocassions. One year, I asked her for a bush for my birthday and she gave me one she had grafted herself.
I planted it in the ground and watered it faithfully. After a while it began to bloom these pretty flowers but as the flowers grew the stalks would break. I asked mama why. She told me it was because they weren't strong enough to hold the flowers. Then she took me to her bushes and her stalks were two or three times the size of mine and her flowers were huge and bright- mine were pale and sickly looking- even if I thought they were beautiful. She clipped my bush back and over the next season she showed me how to prune my rose bush. When the stalks became thick and strong we put more fertilizer around the bush and then let the rose buds appear. Unlike last time, this time my flowers were bright and the stalks didn't break against their weight.
"See she said, roses just require some pruning and patience."
As long as she was able, my great great aunt always had the most beautiful rose bushes in the neighborhood. I wish I could be even half as patient with my life as she was with her rose bushes.
When I am inpatient, I am not trusting God to work out things in His timing. I am not trusting that His timing is even better than my own. And at the cost of progress, I am pushing to change things on my own which only further complicates the situation or circumstance. By being patient and allowing God to prune things in my life and my heart, I ensure that when it the buds appear that the stalk will be fortified enough to hold the fully grown flowers. Doing it any other way is greedy and creates cracks in the foundation which will crumble under the weight of future trials.
"But God, I've been waiting. How much longer will I be in this place?" I whined. I heard nothing. God didn't reply.
Growing up across the street from my great, great aunt I used to watch- and sometimes help- her prune her rose bushes every Tuesday. I don't know why she chose Tuesdays but that's the day she pruned them. Once I asked her why and she told me this story:
"My mother used to have rose bushes when I was a girl- beautiful strong bushes- and all the neighbors would come and buy them for special ocassions. One year, I asked her for a bush for my birthday and she gave me one she had grafted herself.
I planted it in the ground and watered it faithfully. After a while it began to bloom these pretty flowers but as the flowers grew the stalks would break. I asked mama why. She told me it was because they weren't strong enough to hold the flowers. Then she took me to her bushes and her stalks were two or three times the size of mine and her flowers were huge and bright- mine were pale and sickly looking- even if I thought they were beautiful. She clipped my bush back and over the next season she showed me how to prune my rose bush. When the stalks became thick and strong we put more fertilizer around the bush and then let the rose buds appear. Unlike last time, this time my flowers were bright and the stalks didn't break against their weight.
"See she said, roses just require some pruning and patience."
As long as she was able, my great great aunt always had the most beautiful rose bushes in the neighborhood. I wish I could be even half as patient with my life as she was with her rose bushes.
When I am inpatient, I am not trusting God to work out things in His timing. I am not trusting that His timing is even better than my own. And at the cost of progress, I am pushing to change things on my own which only further complicates the situation or circumstance. By being patient and allowing God to prune things in my life and my heart, I ensure that when it the buds appear that the stalk will be fortified enough to hold the fully grown flowers. Doing it any other way is greedy and creates cracks in the foundation which will crumble under the weight of future trials.
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