If you've been following my journey here, it's only really in these last few weeks that I have begun to truly understand and feel the Holy Spirit's power and presence in my life. It's such an amazing concept to me. The Bible calls Him the Comforter.
Last night I was sitting on my concrete slab porch praying through some things going on in my life. I had spent some time on the phone with a trusted friend and God had restored some of my peace through that conversation.
As I sat there, forgiving someone who wronged me and then earnestly seeking God for my marriage, I began to feel differently. We are alwaays changed when we have encounters with God and this was certainly a moment where I encountered His love through the Holy Spirit- the Comforter. I felt like a big warm blanket had just been wrapped around me.
As I continued praying, I asked the Holy Spirit to give me the words to speak to the person I needed to speak to- and He did. In fact, I wrote them down as I felt the Holy Spirit was giving me an idea of what to say. I didn't want to forget or get off track.
But what amazed me most about this encounter was how it changed my heart and restored my joy which I had allowed to be stolen for even a few hours from the day because of this unforgiveness of this person. And the comfort I felt as I poured out my heart. It really all just reconfirms what God says the Holy Spirit is and his role in our lives.
This is such an amazing journey. Walking daily in this new mindset and with this new friend (the Holy Spirit.) I don't know who I am right now but knowing who I was before and who I am becoming now- I can live with a little identity shifting Because I am a much more whole being today than I was two weeks ago.
And just to celebrate a little of that freedom I have been experiencing. It has been two weeks with no thoughts of self-harm or suicidal ideations. Now that is a pretty awesome testimony of God. To find freedom in this area-- it's amazing. The peace in my heart and the joy I feel.... and the pain that I do NOT suffer with daily anymore.... there are no words. My God is so amazing. Who knew that when He said He would set the captives free, that I would be one of them...... I feel so blessed and so loved and cherished by God that I just sometimes have to remind myself that this is only the beginning... what greater things God has for me... for all of us...
Time to fly... I'm going to be good to myself today and get a massage
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Beyond the Storm
This is the piece that I almost burned. Well, the after version anyway. When I began purging my writing stash, the HS spoke to me about this particular one and showed me how to transform it into something about hope coming out of despair. I hope I conveyed it well. The before version is going in the fireplace
Beyond the Storm
Gazing out at the ominous horizon from this third-story window, my back pressed against the unyielding wood, stiff and marred with graffiti and life’s use. Sitting, mesmerized by the clouds looming on the horizon- screaming out to my vulnerable heart- warning of the impending storm.
“Tread with caution,” it whispers to my soul. “Be careful, dear one. Step lightly.”
Strikes of lightning whip across the shrouded gray expanse before me. The giant towers, rising above the earth, tremble. Inside this brick fortress I feel safe, knowing it can withstand the coming storm.
“Can I?” My heart wonders. “Just how capable am I to forge through murky waters and desolate lands?”
Pelted by nature’s tears, they feel warm against my face. The downpour begins. The earth, washed clean, renewed and bathed in cleansing drops of rain. Faster the tears fall from the steely sky, harder they crash upon pavement and greenery in front of me. I am drenched and cold inside. The rain’s warmth may soothe my skin, but it does nothing for my soul. Hope still eludes me.
I watch as cars pass nearby. Puddles of murky water splash out of potholes and replenish within moments of the cars passing. Doorsteps overwhelmed with torrential rains, give pass and water rushes inside dwelling places, between cracks in their tough exteriors.
My heart begins to warm. The rain has penetrated, like a cup of tea warding off winter’s biting chill. I feel, for a moment. Another wave of warmth crashes upon me. The rain falls freely now but the ominous skies recede. A few rays of light break through the cool barrier and dances happily on the sidewalk in front of me. The beginning of hope is birthed in my soul, a tiny green shoot dances in the breeze and basks in the fresh sunlight. I smile and take a cleansing breath as summer’s light pervades me, transformed by the warmth of the sun, speaks words of comfort.
“You survived the storm,” I hear my heart speak.
In that moment, I am reminded of God’s promise: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
As I look up into the grey-blue sky, almost erased of all traces of the storm, something in my soul soars free. A burden evaporates into the fresh air before me. And I smile and lift my hands to the heavens in thanks. Hope has found me.
Beyond the Storm
Gazing out at the ominous horizon from this third-story window, my back pressed against the unyielding wood, stiff and marred with graffiti and life’s use. Sitting, mesmerized by the clouds looming on the horizon- screaming out to my vulnerable heart- warning of the impending storm.
“Tread with caution,” it whispers to my soul. “Be careful, dear one. Step lightly.”
Strikes of lightning whip across the shrouded gray expanse before me. The giant towers, rising above the earth, tremble. Inside this brick fortress I feel safe, knowing it can withstand the coming storm.
“Can I?” My heart wonders. “Just how capable am I to forge through murky waters and desolate lands?”
Pelted by nature’s tears, they feel warm against my face. The downpour begins. The earth, washed clean, renewed and bathed in cleansing drops of rain. Faster the tears fall from the steely sky, harder they crash upon pavement and greenery in front of me. I am drenched and cold inside. The rain’s warmth may soothe my skin, but it does nothing for my soul. Hope still eludes me.
I watch as cars pass nearby. Puddles of murky water splash out of potholes and replenish within moments of the cars passing. Doorsteps overwhelmed with torrential rains, give pass and water rushes inside dwelling places, between cracks in their tough exteriors.
My heart begins to warm. The rain has penetrated, like a cup of tea warding off winter’s biting chill. I feel, for a moment. Another wave of warmth crashes upon me. The rain falls freely now but the ominous skies recede. A few rays of light break through the cool barrier and dances happily on the sidewalk in front of me. The beginning of hope is birthed in my soul, a tiny green shoot dances in the breeze and basks in the fresh sunlight. I smile and take a cleansing breath as summer’s light pervades me, transformed by the warmth of the sun, speaks words of comfort.
“You survived the storm,” I hear my heart speak.
In that moment, I am reminded of God’s promise: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
As I look up into the grey-blue sky, almost erased of all traces of the storm, something in my soul soars free. A burden evaporates into the fresh air before me. And I smile and lift my hands to the heavens in thanks. Hope has found me.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Listening to the Testimony of Others
Church was such a refreshing today- and also a confirmation of what the HS has been showing me in my personal study time this week. After the whole indwelling event, I felt the HS leading me to study some of what was going on so many of the scriptures my pastor talked about today were reconfirming what I had already learned through God's word by teaching of the HS. Such an amazing thing.
Another thing that has been revealed to me this afternoon was that I need to listen to the testimony of people speaking to/about me. There is some evident physical transformation taking place in my life. Some of the testimonies that have been given to me of this follow:
1)People say that I look different. Younger. This has happened twice at church. That I look radiant. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not doing anything different to my hair or putting on makeup I didn't wear before.
I believe this is the HS shining through me. If you ever see a person who has lived a hard life, you can tell by their physical appearance and the havoc it displays on their bodies and their countenance. The Bible says that when we immerse ourselves in God, our countenance changes. When men in the old testament went to seek the Lord, their faces shone with the glory of God. I believe that the HS has reversed some of the damage all that bondage caused me for all those years by renewing my countenance- thus my "younger" appearance to others.
2) People keep remarking about my smile. "You look happier." I cannot tell you how many people have told me this week what a nice smile I have. I don't think I've ever heard it so much in my life! Why am I smiling? Why are people noticing? Again, it's not me. I AM happier, but it is a direct result of 1) time with God and 2) the HS's joy filling my heart. I believe this is what people are seeing in me.
3) I FEEL better- not an emotional feel better but a physical, spiritual feel better. I feel at peace. My days are going better but regardless of how my day goes or what my hair looks like, I still feel peace. It's this lasting abiding peace that I just cannot fathom. It's like whatever was there before is gone and what is in it's place is this deep, life-changing, grounding wire that goes directly from my heart to God and no matter what comes at me- I DON'T have to crumble to pieces because I'm grounded to the Father.
Does any of this make sense? Is it normal? I don't know but it's the testimony of the Holy Spirit evident in MY LIFE and in ME. Now that's something to shout about!
If you think I'm crazy... that's alright. It won't change me... If you think it's awesome- feel free to join along in my victory dance....
GOD IS AWESOME!!
Another thing that has been revealed to me this afternoon was that I need to listen to the testimony of people speaking to/about me. There is some evident physical transformation taking place in my life. Some of the testimonies that have been given to me of this follow:
1)People say that I look different. Younger. This has happened twice at church. That I look radiant. This has nothing to do with me. I'm not doing anything different to my hair or putting on makeup I didn't wear before.
I believe this is the HS shining through me. If you ever see a person who has lived a hard life, you can tell by their physical appearance and the havoc it displays on their bodies and their countenance. The Bible says that when we immerse ourselves in God, our countenance changes. When men in the old testament went to seek the Lord, their faces shone with the glory of God. I believe that the HS has reversed some of the damage all that bondage caused me for all those years by renewing my countenance- thus my "younger" appearance to others.
2) People keep remarking about my smile. "You look happier." I cannot tell you how many people have told me this week what a nice smile I have. I don't think I've ever heard it so much in my life! Why am I smiling? Why are people noticing? Again, it's not me. I AM happier, but it is a direct result of 1) time with God and 2) the HS's joy filling my heart. I believe this is what people are seeing in me.
3) I FEEL better- not an emotional feel better but a physical, spiritual feel better. I feel at peace. My days are going better but regardless of how my day goes or what my hair looks like, I still feel peace. It's this lasting abiding peace that I just cannot fathom. It's like whatever was there before is gone and what is in it's place is this deep, life-changing, grounding wire that goes directly from my heart to God and no matter what comes at me- I DON'T have to crumble to pieces because I'm grounded to the Father.
Does any of this make sense? Is it normal? I don't know but it's the testimony of the Holy Spirit evident in MY LIFE and in ME. Now that's something to shout about!
If you think I'm crazy... that's alright. It won't change me... If you think it's awesome- feel free to join along in my victory dance....
GOD IS AWESOME!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Getting to the Heart...
God has been doing some crazy things in my heart lately. If I didn't know any better I'd think it were something else.. but I know better.
Firstly, AFTER my forgiveness list I began earnestly praying for some of the people on it. To say this has taken an act of God would be an understatement. Why should I pray for them? I've forgiven them, that's what counts right? Wrong! We don't pray for people to feel good about our selves or to change them- we pray for them because God asks us to. Part of our walk of faith is learning to listen and be obedient and responsive to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.
More on this later... the baby needs me...someone said once that if a parent is doing work or at the computer and their child or spouse needs them... they stop what they are doing and go see what is needed.. I too am learning to do this... even in the midst of school, house chores, and the myriad of other roles I play....
Shoot. Now where was I? Oh yes, praying. One of the reasons I believe the Holy Spirit has nudged me to pray for these people is because it's indirect contact which allows him to work on my inner healing- ESPECIALLY where my parents are concerned.
One of the people I have been praying for has really been on my mind lately. I could use prayers for clarity and wisdom in this area. Pray that God would shut the doors I am not supposed to walk to and that I would hear clearly the holy spirit speaking to me. It's hard to explain. It's not me. That much I know.
This is a new level of faith for me. I've heard the voice of what I thought was the holy spirit before but always second guessed it, or just wasn't obedient to what he was asking of me. So this has been a wild week- learning to HEED what the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I find myself really thinking through my words, praying before I speak to people, really seeking His presence each day.
In other news, I am quite enjoying Captivating. It is almost parallel to my journey lately. I am blessed to be part of such an amazing group of godly women- even if I cannot go every week. God always blesses me when I go. I'm also reading Battlefield of the Mind- at least certain parts of it. Today I read about positive thoughts. Ouch! That's something I really need to work on in my life.
I am learning that every day is a choice- a chance- to walk in victory or defeat. I am learning to lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus and less on my own two-bit understanding. My expectations are decreasing because God is becoming all that I need. I feel at peace within my soul a good part of the day. I hear the spirit bring new things to my mind to pray for, new places I need to be set free and I pray and ask for forgiveness and freedom in those areas. What a journey.
Ten years, more than that now, I've been following God and yet here I am, finally standing free from so many of my chains and feeling the FREEDOM we have in Christ in a way I've never understood before. My only question is.. why did it take so LONG for God to bring me to this place?
Firstly, AFTER my forgiveness list I began earnestly praying for some of the people on it. To say this has taken an act of God would be an understatement. Why should I pray for them? I've forgiven them, that's what counts right? Wrong! We don't pray for people to feel good about our selves or to change them- we pray for them because God asks us to. Part of our walk of faith is learning to listen and be obedient and responsive to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit.
More on this later... the baby needs me...someone said once that if a parent is doing work or at the computer and their child or spouse needs them... they stop what they are doing and go see what is needed.. I too am learning to do this... even in the midst of school, house chores, and the myriad of other roles I play....
Shoot. Now where was I? Oh yes, praying. One of the reasons I believe the Holy Spirit has nudged me to pray for these people is because it's indirect contact which allows him to work on my inner healing- ESPECIALLY where my parents are concerned.
One of the people I have been praying for has really been on my mind lately. I could use prayers for clarity and wisdom in this area. Pray that God would shut the doors I am not supposed to walk to and that I would hear clearly the holy spirit speaking to me. It's hard to explain. It's not me. That much I know.
This is a new level of faith for me. I've heard the voice of what I thought was the holy spirit before but always second guessed it, or just wasn't obedient to what he was asking of me. So this has been a wild week- learning to HEED what the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I find myself really thinking through my words, praying before I speak to people, really seeking His presence each day.
In other news, I am quite enjoying Captivating. It is almost parallel to my journey lately. I am blessed to be part of such an amazing group of godly women- even if I cannot go every week. God always blesses me when I go. I'm also reading Battlefield of the Mind- at least certain parts of it. Today I read about positive thoughts. Ouch! That's something I really need to work on in my life.
I am learning that every day is a choice- a chance- to walk in victory or defeat. I am learning to lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus and less on my own two-bit understanding. My expectations are decreasing because God is becoming all that I need. I feel at peace within my soul a good part of the day. I hear the spirit bring new things to my mind to pray for, new places I need to be set free and I pray and ask for forgiveness and freedom in those areas. What a journey.
Ten years, more than that now, I've been following God and yet here I am, finally standing free from so many of my chains and feeling the FREEDOM we have in Christ in a way I've never understood before. My only question is.. why did it take so LONG for God to bring me to this place?
Friday, September 4, 2009
Woooo!
Wow, I just have to say what an AMAZING day this turned out to be and what an AWESOME GOD I serve.
Driving home from the prayer session, God brought to mind some important things that I needed to clean out of my house. One, a collection of my poetry that was nothing more than the enemies vile lies on paper. Two, a weapon- for lack of a better word. Maybe there will be other things....
I don't know if it was the joy of the Lord or a fit of giggles, but I had a great evening full of lots of joy.
I gave my flesh a physical butt-kicking this evening by going running with my husband. That sure felt good. Watching the sun set and working some atrophied muscles. It hurts but it's a good hurt. I'll be doing it again VERY soon.
Top it all off with holding my sleeping child and just praying over her. And then praying with my older daughter tonight. Now that was COOL! A mothers heart... I asked H if she would like to pray with mommy, and she said she would. So I asked her who she would like to pray for. She named grandma because she was sick last week, daddy for his test coming up, and Alex for his booboo to be better. The first two I prayed for and then I lead her in praying for Alex. It was absolutely precious seeing her with her little eyes closed, asking God to heal her friend's booboo. What child like faith. Awesome.
Probably going to watch a movie in a little bit... I asked him to return the two he got and get two other ones... the lady didn't now how to return/exchange them but I won't be watching them regardless. The other two look okay.
Have a great night everyone. God bless!
Driving home from the prayer session, God brought to mind some important things that I needed to clean out of my house. One, a collection of my poetry that was nothing more than the enemies vile lies on paper. Two, a weapon- for lack of a better word. Maybe there will be other things....
I don't know if it was the joy of the Lord or a fit of giggles, but I had a great evening full of lots of joy.
I gave my flesh a physical butt-kicking this evening by going running with my husband. That sure felt good. Watching the sun set and working some atrophied muscles. It hurts but it's a good hurt. I'll be doing it again VERY soon.
Top it all off with holding my sleeping child and just praying over her. And then praying with my older daughter tonight. Now that was COOL! A mothers heart... I asked H if she would like to pray with mommy, and she said she would. So I asked her who she would like to pray for. She named grandma because she was sick last week, daddy for his test coming up, and Alex for his booboo to be better. The first two I prayed for and then I lead her in praying for Alex. It was absolutely precious seeing her with her little eyes closed, asking God to heal her friend's booboo. What child like faith. Awesome.
Probably going to watch a movie in a little bit... I asked him to return the two he got and get two other ones... the lady didn't now how to return/exchange them but I won't be watching them regardless. The other two look okay.
Have a great night everyone. God bless!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Fallen Eve
I found myself acting like fallen Eve tonight. I cannot tell you how many outfits I tried on. "Am I lovely? Do I look okay? Is there anything beautiful in me? Do you even see me?" My heart asked these questions as I stood in front of the judge- my full length mirror. And each time I removed the outfit to don another, the answer echoed painfully across my heart. "No. No you are not. You do not look lovely. You look overweight. You look frumpy. You look less than lovely."
Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."
As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.
Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."
As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
How He Loves Us
This song makes me cry. Let it wash over you today and refresh your soul- to know that we are so loved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)