Fallen Eve

I found myself acting like fallen Eve tonight. I cannot tell you how many outfits I tried on. "Am I lovely? Do I look okay? Is there anything beautiful in me? Do you even see me?" My heart asked these questions as I stood in front of the judge- my full length mirror. And each time I removed the outfit to don another, the answer echoed painfully across my heart. "No. No you are not. You do not look lovely. You look overweight. You look frumpy. You look less than lovely."

Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."

As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.

Faith. Fellowship. Friends.

Some people are naturally outgoing and eager to meet new people. I'm not one of them. Having a conversation with a person I've not met before goes over something like putting a metal knife in a toaster. It's just not a good idea. Now don't misunderstand me, I am personable to an extent. I can smile and say hello. I can be helpful giving directions and help people find something once in a while. Shucks, I can even shake a hand or say a prayer if someone needs it. Just don't ask me to make small talk or name everyone in the room. All you'll see of me is the tracks from my tires as I peel out of the parking lot.

Now that's me. But this is what God says: "Do not forsake the gathering together of the body of Christ." Really, that goes so much deeper than just going to a building where other believers are. I believe it's about three things.

1) The body of Christ- other believers who share our FAITH. God wants us to rub elbows with faith-minded people. Why? Because "where ever two or more are gathered in my name, I am in the midst." In other words, God gathers among His children. Where His children are, His spirit is. Where His spirit is, His power is. Where His power is, the potential for healing, restoration, salvation resides. Mix your faith together with others in the body- not just in church. Though that's a great place to start.

2) Gathering Together. Lots of people gather in places all over the world. What's different about what God is asking us to do? I don't think He's talking about just being in the same room. I believe He's talking about fellowship. Fellowship can be defined as the gathering together of people who share like interests. What greater common interest is there? We are gathering for a common purpose- to glorify God and strengthen the body of Christ.

3) Lastly, I believe that by gathering together in fellowship and mixing our faith together with other believers, that we will develop close knit circles of friends who can pray for each other, keep one another accountable, and rejoice together over God's amazing works. Friendships with God at the center are such rejuvenating and encouraging relationships.

For someone like me, this is a hard thing to do. I can do okay with the first two but the friendship part I really struggle with. Being a friend to someone, and letting someone be a friend to me requires opening up a little bit of my heart, taking down a little bit of my wall, and pulling back the drapes a little bit. Trusting does not come easily to me.

God is calling me to new things in this area of my life. I sense it even now as I write this. He has strategically placed me on a ministry team that will challenge my introverted nature. And you know what amazes me more, I'm excited about it. If He had asked me to do this last year I probably would have been like Abraham's wife and laughed at Him. "How can this be, Lord?" I would have asked. "Do you see me? I am shy and mousy. I'm not outgoing and I sometimes get tongue tied like Moses." Isn't God good. Thankfully I've learned to appreciate His sense of adventure and take it all with a good dose of humor!