Fallen Eve

I found myself acting like fallen Eve tonight. I cannot tell you how many outfits I tried on. "Am I lovely? Do I look okay? Is there anything beautiful in me? Do you even see me?" My heart asked these questions as I stood in front of the judge- my full length mirror. And each time I removed the outfit to don another, the answer echoed painfully across my heart. "No. No you are not. You do not look lovely. You look overweight. You look frumpy. You look less than lovely."

Did I deny these words piercing through my woman's soul? Try to refute them or tell myself how God sees me? I did not. Why? Because I believe what the thoughts speak to my heart. I have bought the lie that I am not only not lovely, but I am the opposite of lovely. I am not only not seen, I am invisible. There is nothing "captivating" or lovely in me, nothing that "the world needs so very much."

As all women do when there is nothing suitable to wear, I have decided not to go. Rather than be uncomfortable in clothes that do not fit or do not flatter, I have chosen to stay home. Unfortunately, my family wants me to go and I likely will but not without much anxiety and self-conciousness over my attire. What did I finally choose? Something inappropriate. A pair of black lounge pants and a blue polo shirt. Nothing fitting the dress code of the evening church service.
C
The question has been answered. The answer is painful. The result is a sad spirit and a hidden heart. Put up the walls. Pull down the curtains. Curl up under the covers and hide. That's what I want to do.

Faith. Fellowship. Friends.

Some people are naturally outgoing and eager to meet new people. I'm not one of them. Having a conversation with a person I've not met before goes over something like putting a metal knife in a toaster. It's just not a good idea. Now don't misunderstand me, I am personable to an extent. I can smile and say hello. I can be helpful giving directions and help people find something once in a while. Shucks, I can even shake a hand or say a prayer if someone needs it. Just don't ask me to make small talk or name everyone in the room. All you'll see of me is the tracks from my tires as I peel out of the parking lot.

Now that's me. But this is what God says: "Do not forsake the gathering together of the body of Christ." Really, that goes so much deeper than just going to a building where other believers are. I believe it's about three things.

1) The body of Christ- other believers who share our FAITH. God wants us to rub elbows with faith-minded people. Why? Because "where ever two or more are gathered in my name, I am in the midst." In other words, God gathers among His children. Where His children are, His spirit is. Where His spirit is, His power is. Where His power is, the potential for healing, restoration, salvation resides. Mix your faith together with others in the body- not just in church. Though that's a great place to start.

2) Gathering Together. Lots of people gather in places all over the world. What's different about what God is asking us to do? I don't think He's talking about just being in the same room. I believe He's talking about fellowship. Fellowship can be defined as the gathering together of people who share like interests. What greater common interest is there? We are gathering for a common purpose- to glorify God and strengthen the body of Christ.

3) Lastly, I believe that by gathering together in fellowship and mixing our faith together with other believers, that we will develop close knit circles of friends who can pray for each other, keep one another accountable, and rejoice together over God's amazing works. Friendships with God at the center are such rejuvenating and encouraging relationships.

For someone like me, this is a hard thing to do. I can do okay with the first two but the friendship part I really struggle with. Being a friend to someone, and letting someone be a friend to me requires opening up a little bit of my heart, taking down a little bit of my wall, and pulling back the drapes a little bit. Trusting does not come easily to me.

God is calling me to new things in this area of my life. I sense it even now as I write this. He has strategically placed me on a ministry team that will challenge my introverted nature. And you know what amazes me more, I'm excited about it. If He had asked me to do this last year I probably would have been like Abraham's wife and laughed at Him. "How can this be, Lord?" I would have asked. "Do you see me? I am shy and mousy. I'm not outgoing and I sometimes get tongue tied like Moses." Isn't God good. Thankfully I've learned to appreciate His sense of adventure and take it all with a good dose of humor!

Dents in my Fenders

My Pastor used an illustration yesterday that I can so relate to: lost house keys. I have a pair of keys somewhere in my house that I lost four years ago. Really. I swear that I lost them in the girls' bedroom but no matter how I searched, even emptying out all the dressers and their toy box, I never did find them.

Then on the way home from picking up my oldest girl from preschool camp, I heard this song on the radio. It really should be my anthem. While we were painting last night, I stepped in every paint spot on the drop cloth. I nearly fell off the ladder, and I mucked up a corner or two that I had just fixed. It's pointless to say it, but I'm far from graceful. I've tripped over my own two feet climbing stairs, squirted coke out my nose, and had more than my fair share of fashion mishaps.

In all this, though, the thing that I'm reminded of constantly is that this is who I am. This is my natural instinct, my natural self. God created me and fashioned my inmost parts, He set me apart before I was born. He knew that I would be this clumsy haphazard person who should be walking through life with a caution sign strung around my neck to warn people that I'm prone to accidents. But regardless of how topsy turvy I can be, God still loves me and made me this way for some reason- maybe to remind me that it's okay to laugh. I'm a serious person and if I hadn't learned to laugh at my accidents a long time ago, I'd never have a dry face or be able to wear makeup even a few hours.

I like the line in this song that says "I'm free to be me." Sometimes I forget that I can just be who God created me to be. I don't have to be prim and proper or meet all the expectations that society, family, and friends put upon me. I can just be myself- and you know what- I like myself, even with all of my flaws, failures, and ungraceful moments. In God's eyes I am His beautiful child- and you are too :)