Too Long Gone

It has been a life time since I was last here. Well, I have been overrun my college classes, kindergarten PTA meetings, life with a potty-training two-year-old, and all things in between.



College is excellent. I have one semester left at CFCC before I transfer to a University to complete my BA or BFA, still undecided. So far, I'm carrying a 3.875 GPA :) and everything looks great. I love my classes.



Peanut started kindergarten this year, which has been both a blessing and a challenge. She goes to a year-round school, which we love. However, the schedule is different than my own so that can be tricky. She's still in gymnastics, and will be moving up into the next level, A team, soon. It will meet twice a week instead of our current once a week class. She's looking forward to it. Peanut just received her first 9-week interim report card and received all good marks. She loves school and just this week has learned to tie her shoes and has asked to have her training wheels removed from her bike. They grow up so fast.



Tater turns 3 next month. Where did the time go? She is thriving at her daycare center and loves the staff there. She talks a mile a minute and is really coming into her own person now. I love watching her ham it up with her smiles and silliness. Two siblings so different, and each precious in their own right! She is undertaking potty training with a vengeance, and we are so proud of her. Now if we can just teach her to clean up her toys. One feat at a time :)

Life for us is crazy seven days a week, but the girls and I are doing great and wouldn't have it any other way!

Tennessee Christmas Memories

"Come on weather man give us a forecast snowy white
Can't you hear the prayer of every childlike heart tonight?
Rockies are calling, Denver snow's falling .
Somebody says it's four feet deep.
It doesn't matter, give me the laughter
I'm gonna choose to keep...."

... John Denver's warmth filtered through my car interior as I navigated the downtown streets, laden with cars on either side and heavy with people milling about window shopping, making court appearances, and traversing from the loft aparentments to campus.

"Another tender Tennessee Christmas
It's the only Christmas for me
Where the love circles around us
like the gifts under our tree
Well I know there's more snow
Up in Colorado than my roof will ever see
but a tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me."

... Beautiful and powerful, these lines undid time and space, reminding me of my own tender Christmases with my foster family in Tennessee. Tears streamed down my face as I let the moment consume me. If I am honest with myself, I'm homesick most of the time, but I don't often let myself feel it. The light would be changing soon, I remind myself as I swipe at the remaining evidence on my face. Roll on....

The song still played as I pulled into a parking space, but the power of its words no longer stung so much. I had purged the emotions for the time being. But as I sit here, with my back pressed against a dirty concrete wall, waiting for my class, I wander aimlessly through my mind....

What makes Christmas at home so special? And what makes me miss my foster parents and foster siblings so much that a John Denver song reduces me to tears? They play it every year, but I don't ever cry when I hear it. I usually sing along. Why is that different this year?

It's been a difficult year with the near desolving of my marriage, the trainwreck of my husband losing his job, the brokenness of coming to grips with his extramarital affair, and the nearly insurmountable task of piecing our lives back together and solidifying our marriage. So I suppose that perhaps I'm just more reflective this year. But it goes deeper....

Maybe it's the joy I felt, surrounded by excited tots and teens, that stirs up so much emotion this holiday season as I remember Christmas at Hidden Valley? No, my own children are just as excited as the siblings were there, it must go deeper than this too. I wonder.

It goes to my heart, to my own sense of belonging, a sense of acceptance and non-judgement, the instillment of self-worth. It touches the core of who I am to be home with them, to be anywhere with them, for that is where my identity took shape, where I was nourished and sustained. I miss home not because of where it is, but because of what it is and who it is.

It is the feeling of belonging, the knowing that I am accepted just as I am, with nothing more. I don't need to put on masks or wear smiles if I don't feel like it. At home, I am at peace, surrounded by those who know me better than I know myself. At home, I am loved and cherished, and I created something in my world there. I was part of something greater, a community of broken souls yearning for wholeness.
Here, in the wilderness, I am alone and I often lose my way without my north star, my guiding force, my family. So I miss them and I yearn to see them, to be with them and bask in their love and joy this Christmas seasona. But I will be with them... in spirit even if not literally.

"A tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me...." sounds beautiful in North Carolina. It speaks to snow-covered places in my heart today. And for a while, I was able to brush the snow from the casket and reminisce, thanks to John Denver.

Subtlety and Suggestion

On my way to class, driving down Market Street with Klove blaring through my car, I heard an interesting adage:

"Subtlety is lost on a man."

The radio announcers were asking men to call the station and weigh in on the topic. Many men agreed, and of course, there were women who agreed as well.

Naturally, I began thinking about my own husband and whether he catches my subtle suggestions with any regularity.

One instance stuck out in my mind. I don't remember why but one day we ended up in a downtown pawnshop, browsing over the cast away items. A clarinet screamed at me from the wall. As a child, I loved to play. Tragically, my clarinet was destroyed in one of my mother's angry fits. I remember telling my husband about this event as we drove home. A few months later, my birthday rolled around and as you might have guessed, his gift to me was a clarinet.

I don't play much anymore. I just don't have time. But every now and then I take that clarinet down and unlock its case. I put it together and feel the keys beneath my fingers. I smile thinking about the gesture from my husband, an attempt to help heal a wound in my spirit from childhood. I keep it not because it's of great monetary value, but because of the love and thoughtfulness my husband poured into that gift. I hope one day that one of our children will decide to play. And maybe one day I will find time to play again too. For now, I'm thankful that my husband saw into my heart and bought me such a precious gift, even when I didn't know I really wanted or needed it. It means so much to me.

So maybe subtlety and suggestions aren't lost on all men all the time, just some men some of the time....

Do you have a story about how your husband, father, or someone special in your life gave you something or did something for you that showed he knew you in a special way? I'd love to hear your story!

Wishing Everyone a Blessed Holiday!

Hey there friends! I hope you all have a blessed holiday and a happy new year. Here's a collage of some of the girls photos from tonight. Enjoy!

Peanut and Tater say Hello

It's hard to believe but our girls are two and four-and-a-half. Wow! Where did the time go?! Clara turned two on the twenty-first of November. She is talking more and more everyday. I am amazed at her zany personality and the depth of her smile. When she smiles, her eyes light up. I love it!

Hailey is in her last year of preschool and still loving it. She is a little sad now that she knows she probably won't have class with most of her friends next year, but is getting more excited about "kindergarden" everyday. We have not decided if we will be homeschooling, private schooling, or public schooling her yet. Much of this depends on my husband's job situation and my schooling.

Both of our girls are high energy and keep us on our toes. Hailey had the opportunity to go to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa Scott this year. She also met my parents (foster- in case you're confused) in Myrtle Beach and loved that. They are coming down again in the summer, and I am already looking forward to having a whole week to enjoy their company. :) I'm sure the girls will really enjoy that again this year too. They don't get to see my family in Tennessee otherwise. We hope to make it there for Christmas one year. I wish it were this year.

Peanut and Tater are both sticking to their 3rd percentile growth curves and their check ups have been uneventful this year, with nothing major to report. Tater was threatened with tubes for her ears but seems to be out of the woods now :) Peanut had her second annual dental checkup with no cavities and both of the girls seem to have good eyesight thus far :) Thank you Lord!!!!

I'll have to post pictures soon of our gals :)

Moving Forward

Well it's been about four months since the "big meltdown" and we seem to be rebuilding the foundation one brick at a time. My husband went through the prayer ministry at church around the beginning of November and that seems to have helped in many ways. For those things, I am thankful. If someone had asked me if we'd still be working at our marriage four months ago, I would have likely told them no. God is awesome like that, He makes a way where there doesn't seem to be one.

We still have days that are really rough and challenge our commitment to stay together, but we have learned to see these for what they are- 1) attacks from the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy and 2) opportunities to resist the enemy and grow closer together. It's not always easy and sometimes we stop ourselves mid-argument and just say "I'm sorry." Funny how an apology and a hug can bridge so many gaps when they are sincere.

Last night we went out to dinner, to a Coast Guard function. It was really nice to go out and be around other married couples. Hearing stories about what the Reservists do at the station on drills gives me a respect and appreciation for my husband. For example, yesterday that did survival swimming. They had to don wet suits and swim out around the pier and back in the rip current. Can you imagine doing that? I can't. Many of their suits leaked and the cold water rushed in, making swimming that much more difficult. But to my knowledge, they all finished. That's a test of strength and fortitude that I'm not sure I could endure, and it gives me an appreciation and respect for what my husband does when he is away from us for his drill weekends- and also for the men and women with whom he serves.

The girls seem to have come out of this tumultuous time mostly unscathed, and for that the glory goes to God. Early on in all of this a friend and I began praying that God would protect my children from any ill effects from the struggles facing our marriage, and He has. So I give Him praise for that this morning.

Many of you may not have been aware of all this going on in my family, because I purposely separated my blogs to keep it quiet. But now that we seem to be working towards a positive resolution, I wanted to share with you all so that you can encourage and keep us lifted in prayer, and maybe also as a testimony for those who are or will go through similar trials in their marriage. Thank you for reading this with a sincere heart and for not making it a source for gossip. Please hold us up in prayer. We certainly appreciate it.

Focusing on the Positives

Life can be a bumpy ride. The ups and downs can make us sick if we are not prepared through our personal time with God. If our perspective is wrong, something like a confession from your spouse meant to open the lines of communication can turn into a real battlefield for the enemy.

God has been working. He is not silent. I am thankful for this. The confession was heartfelt and I am thankful that my spouse was able to share this struggle with me and ask for my help in his overcoming it. In honor of his request, I took the computer with me to class today. No other computer in our house has internet and the fact that he asked me to do such a thing shows just how much change is happening. God is just amazing....

It could have been a disaster.. but by extending grace and listening to the Holy Spirit as He helped me see why my spouse was telling me these things and asking me to take the computer out of the house when I leave, it brought hope instead of dismay. That's God in the midst of the storm...

Not everything is positive, but I am choosing to focus on what is positive rather than on what is negative. Thus far, to my knowledge, my spouse has honored his commitment to stay off his personal facebook account (and leave it inactivated), get rid of the internet/text/facebook on his phone, and cut all ties... He has taken steps towards building our marriage back up. He has shown signs of repentance and has been vulnerable towards me in his weaknesses so that I can lift him up in prayer. I would love for him to find an accountability partner/group but that is something that God has to show him to do. In the meantime I am thankful for the people who are coming along side him and encouraging him.

He has not yet contacted our Pastor about renewing our vows but we have talked about it on several occassions. He is waiting on the prayer ministry first- and I think that's wise.

I am thankful for progress and looking forward to the future. Continuing in prayer and with grace...