In the Silence

In my absence, the world has continued on. I have been behind on updating my blog, and perhaps purposely so. So much has happened since February that I'm not even sure where to begin, or what I wrote last.

I've walked through the valley lots this pregnancy, the valley of uncertainty. We've overcome stress on my heart, ruled out heart defects in my body, stressed over blood pressure issues that have resolved themselves.

I've taken three trips to labor and delivery, two for contractions. One for a possible fluid leak. We've watched our baby go from the 66th% to the 24th% and prayed that God would protect this miracle. We've sat in the Doctors office discussing duplicated collecting systems and fetal pyelectasis and what this means for our baby.

And me, well my body has gone through a fire of it's own kind. As my uterus has expanded, so has my pain. As my baby has grown, so has the ache in my back, the swelling in my hands and feet, the headaches that plague me. The contractions have gotten worse, the pressure is great. On Monday we were given a reason: I have polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid.) 

But there have so many good moments. So many joys. Laughing as those first dainty movements shook my belly. The smiles and squeals from my girls when the little child in my womb kicked them. The utter confusion and shock on my husband's face as he stared at the wall-screen in the ultrasound room and asked "What's that?" And how that turned to sheer joy and elation when he was told by the Tech that he was having a son. The chuckles that exploded as we realized that the lump in the top of my stomach was NOT a hernia, but is in fact the face of our child wedged between my rib cage, and how funny I must look every time I sit up.

God is good and faithful. Our boy, our precious Silas, may have some struggles when he enters this world. We won't really know for sure until he is actually here, but God is faithful in this season. As I drove to my appointment the other morning, praying for my child, God put this on my heart:

Sometimes Gods greatest glory is not in our divine healing, but in our being divinely upheld in our greatest trials.

Never Dull

Life is full of surprises. From that unexpected gift under the stocking to the car battery that dies overnight with no symptoms to tell of. I woke this morning and was impressed with myself, having gotten both kids dressed, fed, and out the door by my 715 deadline, headed to drop them off. We didn't make it past the driveway.

The battery died. Some days, you just have to be thankful for all the moments you missed. Today, I missed my appointment for my ultrasound, but I caught up with a friend and enjoyed a long afternoon nap. All in all, a good day.

Appointment rescheduled for next Monday.

Maternal Fetal Medicine: A Brief Overview of What to Expect

Monday is just around the corner.... Things they will check.

Nuchal translucency, this is the fluid at the back of the neck. If the NT number is high, it could mean a disorder of some sort.

They'll also take measurements of the baby's arm bones, femur, head circumference, distance across the head (biparietal diameter), circumference of the baby's abdomen. They'll measure fluid pockets around the baby. You hope for at least 10 ML of total amniotic fluid. My numbers usually are below that, which means the baby is at risk for complications later in pregnancy. They'll look for signs that the baby is swallowing fluid. This can be determined by looking at the kidneys. They'll check the four chambers of the heart, and the stomach.

They'll run a measurement of the blood flow through the umbilical cord and the placental pulse. These give an indication as to whether the baby is getting sufficient nutrients to sustain life and growth. I've run into problems here in the past as well. A decrease in blood flow can be dangerous, a reversal in blood flow is fatal in hours. With my oldest, her blood flow would stop intermittently near the end of pregnancy. They induced because the risk of it reversing once it stops is quite high.

They'll look at the placenta. In the past my placentas have been small, usually malformed. My youngest daughter's cord was too short. My oldest daughters placenta was over half dead at birth. This can be very dangerous. It's another factor that inhibits growth. When a placenta is too small or not functioning well, the baby's body will sometimes grow the vital organs at normal rates while the other organs suffer. The brain, heart, and lungs often develop faster than the kidneys, etc. This is why both my girls had trouble with blood sugar and body temperature after birth. It is also why my youngest had severe acid reflux at birth. Her body wasnt ready yet. Sometimes, in very sever cases, this kind of growth restriction can lead to multi-system organ failure.

After all that is done, they will watch for activity of the baby.

When you add all this up, calculate all the measurements. Assess all the risks, they will determine the following:
The gestation my baby measures at.
The likelihood of death in utero.
The overall health of my baby.
A treatment plan, if needed.

In the past, my babies have measured 2-6 weeks behind. Two weeks is not such a big deal, but as I get further along in the pregnancy, the numbers become more skewed. Six weeks is dangerous. To give an example, the difference in 6 weeks could be whether a baby can breathe on his own or not. Or whether he has a fully functioning brain or not. I've only lost two babies, and both were very early on, likely due to placenta problems. They weren't viable.

Even with all the risks, my babies generally do really well once they are born. It's the incubation inside my womb that seems to be the struggle.

Bedrest, lots of water, walking daily, and a balanced diet have always been the plan in the past. Oh yah, and no stress. Hahaha!

Sprouting Up!

Well, everything looked really good at my appointment on the 7th with my OB. Blood pressure was good 122/82. Weight was 193.6, down a few pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Happy for that. Also received good news about all my labs. Everything came back clean. No Gall Bladder Disease. No thyroid problems. No pre-eclampsia. Yay! We had a hard time getting the baby's heartbeat on the doppler, so the Nurse brought in a portable ultrasound and I saw the baby. Squirming around, that one is. Heartbeat was there, a little blink on the screen. So happy for that. Didn't get an actually heart beat per minute count, but I'm sure I'll get all those details on Monday. Monday's the big ultrasound. They'll take all the measurements, check the fluid, analyze the placenta, measure the baby. It's going to be good, I hope. Can't wait to see how this one is growing. :) All in all, a good appointment.

We are CONSTITUTIONALLY SMALL afterall!

So the girls had their 4 and 6 years well check ups, and once again I broached the issue of height/weight with our daughters' pediatrician. Dr. Ott is wonderful, and he sat down and explained to me why I don't have to be even a bit worried right now. The girls are both in the 3rd percentile for height. Hailey is also in the 3rd percentile for weight, and Clara is in the 25th for the same. However, when you factor in my height and my spouse's height, you come up with 5'3. Now, subtract 5 inches because they are girls and you get 4'10" as their GROWTH POTENTIAL. If you find 4'10" on the growth chart, it is the 3RD PERCENTILE for an adult female! How's that for special math! Yay! So, they'll monitor their growth and their weight and see what happens. More than likely, they will just be normally petite. But if they deviate below the 3rd percentile we may consider HGH supplements. But there's a good size window before we have to worry about that. So thankful for some relief in this realm of littleness.

Baby Gear Dilemma

With each of our girls we were so blessed to receive all the items we needed, and as our children grew out of those things, we passed them on to others in need. Over the years I have been able to pass on cribs, bassinets, pack n plays, swings, high chairs, car seats, strollers, clothes, boxes of diapers, etc. It is a wonderful feeling to know they are going to a family welcoming a new child into the world, one who needs the kindness of strangers. That leaves me in a pickle. With my youngest being four, I've passed forward all of our baby and toddler gear to people who could use it. So now, it's my turn to take a spin around the block again. Because we will be moving shortly before this baby is born, I hesitate to buy anything right now. But I am setting aside the funds to do so. At the same time, I don't want to wait til the last minute, have this little sprout early, and not have anything ready. What's an expectant mother to do? Do I buy the stuff now and have it all shipped to the new house, or do I store it in the walk-in closet until we move? Or do I just wait until after we move? Oh the choices.

Writings from Today

**These writing are not entirely true occurrences. They are part the rambling of my own conscience and part past experience, but very well depict how I feel and what I'm struggling with right now, for that, they are post-worthy**

A Mother's Worries

The day before Valentines Day, I will enter the office of a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist, for the second time in my life.

I will fill out pages of forms, sign my name a dozen times, and give my weight in blood. They will usher me into a room where I will wait, to speak to a Nurse about the possibilities awaiting me. And then, I will put on a gown and lie on a table, a cold, lifeless table. The Doctor will enter the room, almost cheery but more somber. She will spray blue gel on my flabby stomach and tell me two seconds too late that it might be cold. The screen above me will be on.

And for a second, I will see a whole life flashing before my eyes. It will be beautiful, precious, and scary. Because the moment I see this precious thing, this alien of my own blood and DNA, I will realize all my worst fears.

The news will filter through my ears like the teacher from Charlie Brown's cartoons. "Wah. Wah. Wah wah."

The gel will be wiped off, the screen turned away, and I will be left on the table to dress and wait some more. The Doctor will meet me in a sterile room with a desk, to talk about our "options" and "plan of treatment," as if there really were any other option than coming to grips with the reality that my perfect little creation is imperfect, and perhaps dangerously so.

The drive home will be a blur. I'll likely run a red light, or maybe only a yellow one, for the second time in my life.

But when I get home and all is quiet, the ache will begin in my heart. I will cry.
Not because I'm scared of the possibilities, but because sometimes loving hurts more than I can bare. Love is forever and unconditional.

So no matter what the ultrasound showed the morning before, on Valentine's Day I will get up and put on a smile. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and decorate Valentine's cards, for all of my children. The ones I've lost, the ones I've gained, and the ones I have yet to meet. Because love is forever, for me.

Stained Red by Life

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and I'm dreading it. This year anyway. The truth is, it's mostly been a wonderful time in the past, but this year it feels tainted, somehow lost in the somberness of that appointment, in the reality that high risk is yet again the name for me and this child. That loving also means letting go, maybe sooner than you ever hoped. I love against all odds, and hope against all science that this baby will grow. That all the vital organs will be perfect. That small is the only problem we have. I hope against medicine and blood tests that chromosomal abnormalities will not happen to us. But the odds are stacked high, and not in our favor.

I've been through this before. I know how to navigate the appointments. I understand the risks. It's like a worn dirt road with familiar bends and pitfalls.

No one quite seems to understand it. My friends dismiss my worries, even the diagnosis from the Dr becomes some cute little reassurance in their ears, echoed back to me in my own. It hurts, a dull knowing ache for their ignorance. For them, it really is bliss. "Your babies are just small" they chime. It gives me migraines every time I hear the words. They seem to fail to understand the very definition of the diagnosis: Intrauterine Growth Restriction is the failure of a fetus to grow to its potential size, NOT excluding genetic factors.

Yes, we are small people, but the diagnosis takes that into account. And there are other markers, other complications, that we have to handle. It's not so cut-and-dry as my friends make it. "Your babies are just peanuts," they remind me when I tell them of my appointment at the specialist office. I just smile and walk away, thankful for their optimism, how ever unfounded it may be.

Catching Up the First 10 Weeks

Week 7

Went to women's clinic at 7 weeks. Low level limited scan (just to confirm pregnancy dates). Ultrasound technology is not very good, but we see a sac with a bean in it. Measuring a bit behind, but with a good heartbeat of 126 bpm.

First OB appt on Jan 30th. Preparing for 1 healthy baby...

Week 10

Had my first routine OB appointment on Jan 30, 2011, and it was anything but routine.

My medical history was so long the nurse had to pull out another piece of paper. Laughing.

Then, she sends me for 6 vials of blood and orders a 24 hour urine. My blood pressure is high enough to warrant one.

Okay, fine, I can do this right?! Well, she talks to the Dr and they decide I need to come back in the afternoon to be seen by an actual physician. Okie dokie.

So I go get lunch and come back. They check my blood pressure a third time. It's still high. I'm now supposed to make a trip to CVS or somewhere and keep a journal three times a week of my blood pressure. Alright, easy enough.

They suspect I have gallbladder distress. That's what they think is causing the pain episodes I'm having. Yay. So they want a baseline test for that. Which I'm doing on Wednesday.

Oh yah, and by the time I finished my morning appointment, I had a referral in my hand for Maternal Fetal Specialists.

So much for hoping for normal. Next appointment is next Monday for a routine OB physical exam.

At some point soon I hope they will let me see my baby or hear the heartbeat. Going through all that I did today without either makes me kind of worried.

Breathe. In. Out. Smile. It's going to be okay, right?!

UPDATE FOR WEEK 10

Heard from the office Jan 31, 2011. Three nurses called me Feb 1, 2011 to make sure I had gotten the referral information.

I go to Wilmington Maternal Fetal Medicine on Monday Feb 13th for my first growth scan. Growth scans are done every 2 weeks.

I have appointments with my normal OB office on Mon Feb 7th.

Turned in my 24 hour urine today, and had a comprehensive baseline blood draw to check for gall bladder disease.

I imagine all those results will be in by Monday. At least, I hope they are.

So. Im trying to take it easy and rest. I am super tired all the time. Maybe I need some iron? It doesnt matter how much sleep I get, I still spend a good part of my day in bed.

Here We Grow Again!

In the last year, my family has undergone radical changes- both scary and wonderful. Evan and I have embarked on a new journey in our marriage, and it is honestly the most wonderful gift ever. We've finally come around the bend and we can see the light and joy we were missing for so long. I'm so thankful to have such an amazing husband. I feel truly blessed each and every day.

Clara and Hailey are quite a pair. They're four and six now, and their check ups are next week, so be sure to check back about that. We're hoping to get some answers about the girls' growth at this appointment, rather than them just being dismissed as little by proxy. More on that next time.

Hailey is the best big sister and the worst big sister ever. She goes from complete adoration to total frustration in a matter of seconds. I can catch her teaching her sister the alphabet, numbers, colors, days of the week, shapes. And then five minutes later, I find her with her arm mid-air about to hit her sweet sister. It's quite a challenge, this sibling gig. She's in first grade and is becoming quite the reader. Very proud of her for that. Her latest obsession in the book world: Fly Guy! When she's not in school, she likes to color, play dollhouses, chase her sister outside, and spend time with the token family furrball- Callie.

Clara is the ham of the house. She's got her daddy's sense of humor and her mama's giggle reflex. Everything is funny and happy in her world. She's in preschool, and has made quite the impression on the preschool director, Mrs. Patty. She is a little learner by heart, but she also is a mama's girl. She misses staying home with me all the time, and asks each morning if it's a stay home day, and pouts when I tell her it isn't. I still have her home two days a week, so we do have our special cuddle times, which makes me one well-loved mama.

As for me, I'm still in school, and struggling to get through my final semester. I've had a few set backs and quite a few accomplishments. And now the really big news, as the title suggests, we're growing again! That's right, Evan & Sarah, Hailey & Clara are welcoming Baby Sprout into our lives in August 2012. What a way to grow! Evan and I are quite excited, but we haven't told the girls yet. We will soon, so keep our secret for us just a little longer, will ya?!

Too Long Gone

It has been a life time since I was last here. Well, I have been overrun my college classes, kindergarten PTA meetings, life with a potty-training two-year-old, and all things in between.



College is excellent. I have one semester left at CFCC before I transfer to a University to complete my BA or BFA, still undecided. So far, I'm carrying a 3.875 GPA :) and everything looks great. I love my classes.



Peanut started kindergarten this year, which has been both a blessing and a challenge. She goes to a year-round school, which we love. However, the schedule is different than my own so that can be tricky. She's still in gymnastics, and will be moving up into the next level, A team, soon. It will meet twice a week instead of our current once a week class. She's looking forward to it. Peanut just received her first 9-week interim report card and received all good marks. She loves school and just this week has learned to tie her shoes and has asked to have her training wheels removed from her bike. They grow up so fast.



Tater turns 3 next month. Where did the time go? She is thriving at her daycare center and loves the staff there. She talks a mile a minute and is really coming into her own person now. I love watching her ham it up with her smiles and silliness. Two siblings so different, and each precious in their own right! She is undertaking potty training with a vengeance, and we are so proud of her. Now if we can just teach her to clean up her toys. One feat at a time :)

Life for us is crazy seven days a week, but the girls and I are doing great and wouldn't have it any other way!

Tennessee Christmas Memories

"Come on weather man give us a forecast snowy white
Can't you hear the prayer of every childlike heart tonight?
Rockies are calling, Denver snow's falling .
Somebody says it's four feet deep.
It doesn't matter, give me the laughter
I'm gonna choose to keep...."

... John Denver's warmth filtered through my car interior as I navigated the downtown streets, laden with cars on either side and heavy with people milling about window shopping, making court appearances, and traversing from the loft aparentments to campus.

"Another tender Tennessee Christmas
It's the only Christmas for me
Where the love circles around us
like the gifts under our tree
Well I know there's more snow
Up in Colorado than my roof will ever see
but a tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me."

... Beautiful and powerful, these lines undid time and space, reminding me of my own tender Christmases with my foster family in Tennessee. Tears streamed down my face as I let the moment consume me. If I am honest with myself, I'm homesick most of the time, but I don't often let myself feel it. The light would be changing soon, I remind myself as I swipe at the remaining evidence on my face. Roll on....

The song still played as I pulled into a parking space, but the power of its words no longer stung so much. I had purged the emotions for the time being. But as I sit here, with my back pressed against a dirty concrete wall, waiting for my class, I wander aimlessly through my mind....

What makes Christmas at home so special? And what makes me miss my foster parents and foster siblings so much that a John Denver song reduces me to tears? They play it every year, but I don't ever cry when I hear it. I usually sing along. Why is that different this year?

It's been a difficult year with the near desolving of my marriage, the trainwreck of my husband losing his job, the brokenness of coming to grips with his extramarital affair, and the nearly insurmountable task of piecing our lives back together and solidifying our marriage. So I suppose that perhaps I'm just more reflective this year. But it goes deeper....

Maybe it's the joy I felt, surrounded by excited tots and teens, that stirs up so much emotion this holiday season as I remember Christmas at Hidden Valley? No, my own children are just as excited as the siblings were there, it must go deeper than this too. I wonder.

It goes to my heart, to my own sense of belonging, a sense of acceptance and non-judgement, the instillment of self-worth. It touches the core of who I am to be home with them, to be anywhere with them, for that is where my identity took shape, where I was nourished and sustained. I miss home not because of where it is, but because of what it is and who it is.

It is the feeling of belonging, the knowing that I am accepted just as I am, with nothing more. I don't need to put on masks or wear smiles if I don't feel like it. At home, I am at peace, surrounded by those who know me better than I know myself. At home, I am loved and cherished, and I created something in my world there. I was part of something greater, a community of broken souls yearning for wholeness.
Here, in the wilderness, I am alone and I often lose my way without my north star, my guiding force, my family. So I miss them and I yearn to see them, to be with them and bask in their love and joy this Christmas seasona. But I will be with them... in spirit even if not literally.

"A tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me...." sounds beautiful in North Carolina. It speaks to snow-covered places in my heart today. And for a while, I was able to brush the snow from the casket and reminisce, thanks to John Denver.

Subtlety and Suggestion

On my way to class, driving down Market Street with Klove blaring through my car, I heard an interesting adage:

"Subtlety is lost on a man."

The radio announcers were asking men to call the station and weigh in on the topic. Many men agreed, and of course, there were women who agreed as well.

Naturally, I began thinking about my own husband and whether he catches my subtle suggestions with any regularity.

One instance stuck out in my mind. I don't remember why but one day we ended up in a downtown pawnshop, browsing over the cast away items. A clarinet screamed at me from the wall. As a child, I loved to play. Tragically, my clarinet was destroyed in one of my mother's angry fits. I remember telling my husband about this event as we drove home. A few months later, my birthday rolled around and as you might have guessed, his gift to me was a clarinet.

I don't play much anymore. I just don't have time. But every now and then I take that clarinet down and unlock its case. I put it together and feel the keys beneath my fingers. I smile thinking about the gesture from my husband, an attempt to help heal a wound in my spirit from childhood. I keep it not because it's of great monetary value, but because of the love and thoughtfulness my husband poured into that gift. I hope one day that one of our children will decide to play. And maybe one day I will find time to play again too. For now, I'm thankful that my husband saw into my heart and bought me such a precious gift, even when I didn't know I really wanted or needed it. It means so much to me.

So maybe subtlety and suggestions aren't lost on all men all the time, just some men some of the time....

Do you have a story about how your husband, father, or someone special in your life gave you something or did something for you that showed he knew you in a special way? I'd love to hear your story!

Wishing Everyone a Blessed Holiday!

Hey there friends! I hope you all have a blessed holiday and a happy new year. Here's a collage of some of the girls photos from tonight. Enjoy!

Peanut and Tater say Hello

It's hard to believe but our girls are two and four-and-a-half. Wow! Where did the time go?! Clara turned two on the twenty-first of November. She is talking more and more everyday. I am amazed at her zany personality and the depth of her smile. When she smiles, her eyes light up. I love it!

Hailey is in her last year of preschool and still loving it. She is a little sad now that she knows she probably won't have class with most of her friends next year, but is getting more excited about "kindergarden" everyday. We have not decided if we will be homeschooling, private schooling, or public schooling her yet. Much of this depends on my husband's job situation and my schooling.

Both of our girls are high energy and keep us on our toes. Hailey had the opportunity to go to Disney with Grandma and Grandpa Scott this year. She also met my parents (foster- in case you're confused) in Myrtle Beach and loved that. They are coming down again in the summer, and I am already looking forward to having a whole week to enjoy their company. :) I'm sure the girls will really enjoy that again this year too. They don't get to see my family in Tennessee otherwise. We hope to make it there for Christmas one year. I wish it were this year.

Peanut and Tater are both sticking to their 3rd percentile growth curves and their check ups have been uneventful this year, with nothing major to report. Tater was threatened with tubes for her ears but seems to be out of the woods now :) Peanut had her second annual dental checkup with no cavities and both of the girls seem to have good eyesight thus far :) Thank you Lord!!!!

I'll have to post pictures soon of our gals :)

Moving Forward

Well it's been about four months since the "big meltdown" and we seem to be rebuilding the foundation one brick at a time. My husband went through the prayer ministry at church around the beginning of November and that seems to have helped in many ways. For those things, I am thankful. If someone had asked me if we'd still be working at our marriage four months ago, I would have likely told them no. God is awesome like that, He makes a way where there doesn't seem to be one.

We still have days that are really rough and challenge our commitment to stay together, but we have learned to see these for what they are- 1) attacks from the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy and 2) opportunities to resist the enemy and grow closer together. It's not always easy and sometimes we stop ourselves mid-argument and just say "I'm sorry." Funny how an apology and a hug can bridge so many gaps when they are sincere.

Last night we went out to dinner, to a Coast Guard function. It was really nice to go out and be around other married couples. Hearing stories about what the Reservists do at the station on drills gives me a respect and appreciation for my husband. For example, yesterday that did survival swimming. They had to don wet suits and swim out around the pier and back in the rip current. Can you imagine doing that? I can't. Many of their suits leaked and the cold water rushed in, making swimming that much more difficult. But to my knowledge, they all finished. That's a test of strength and fortitude that I'm not sure I could endure, and it gives me an appreciation and respect for what my husband does when he is away from us for his drill weekends- and also for the men and women with whom he serves.

The girls seem to have come out of this tumultuous time mostly unscathed, and for that the glory goes to God. Early on in all of this a friend and I began praying that God would protect my children from any ill effects from the struggles facing our marriage, and He has. So I give Him praise for that this morning.

Many of you may not have been aware of all this going on in my family, because I purposely separated my blogs to keep it quiet. But now that we seem to be working towards a positive resolution, I wanted to share with you all so that you can encourage and keep us lifted in prayer, and maybe also as a testimony for those who are or will go through similar trials in their marriage. Thank you for reading this with a sincere heart and for not making it a source for gossip. Please hold us up in prayer. We certainly appreciate it.

Focusing on the Positives

Life can be a bumpy ride. The ups and downs can make us sick if we are not prepared through our personal time with God. If our perspective is wrong, something like a confession from your spouse meant to open the lines of communication can turn into a real battlefield for the enemy.

God has been working. He is not silent. I am thankful for this. The confession was heartfelt and I am thankful that my spouse was able to share this struggle with me and ask for my help in his overcoming it. In honor of his request, I took the computer with me to class today. No other computer in our house has internet and the fact that he asked me to do such a thing shows just how much change is happening. God is just amazing....

It could have been a disaster.. but by extending grace and listening to the Holy Spirit as He helped me see why my spouse was telling me these things and asking me to take the computer out of the house when I leave, it brought hope instead of dismay. That's God in the midst of the storm...

Not everything is positive, but I am choosing to focus on what is positive rather than on what is negative. Thus far, to my knowledge, my spouse has honored his commitment to stay off his personal facebook account (and leave it inactivated), get rid of the internet/text/facebook on his phone, and cut all ties... He has taken steps towards building our marriage back up. He has shown signs of repentance and has been vulnerable towards me in his weaknesses so that I can lift him up in prayer. I would love for him to find an accountability partner/group but that is something that God has to show him to do. In the meantime I am thankful for the people who are coming along side him and encouraging him.

He has not yet contacted our Pastor about renewing our vows but we have talked about it on several occassions. He is waiting on the prayer ministry first- and I think that's wise.

I am thankful for progress and looking forward to the future. Continuing in prayer and with grace...

Shaking it Up

The enemy is not happy. He is waging war on us. In the last week I have had three near-accidents while driving. I am a cautious driver and I watch where I am going. The first one on my way to campus, a pedestrian was crossing the street at the wrong time and thankfully I was going slow enough and saw him so I did not have to slam on my breaks- but barely- and that isn't the sort of thing I miss. The most recent, I was going through a parking lot and a truck was parked on one side, I was going to go around when a car came from behind the truck and nearly hit me head on- with the girls in the car.

I say this not to glorify the enemy but to say that God is more powerful. In all of these circumstances, God shielded us and kept the accidents from occurring. He ir our fortress and our shield, our protector.

The enemy has also brought up little things to cause bickering between my spouse and I. This is part of the crazy cycle. Little things that are said that hurt me, cause me to react towards him without respect, which cause him to react without love. And so it spins. Last night it was over my being too tired to watch a movie. Now really, how is that a big deal, certainly not. And the enemy would have loved for us to go to sleep angry but God helped us ask for forgiveness and find peace. Another plan foiled....

Our children have been unruly this week. Now they are kids and kids sometimes are a little stressful but this is out of this world. But as we practice Godly parenting, the enemy is losing this battle for our children.

He is losing the battle for our marriage. He is losing the battle for our home. God is victorious. And the enemy isn't happy. Keep us covered in prayer. There are thousands of things that could crash down on us at any moment - but in God's sustaining power we know and believe that He is going to get us through this and we will be astronger, more united team because of it

Continuing to pray--and walk where God leads and ignore the million other pathways that He isn't leading us down.

One Step at a Time

In the last week, I have had the joy and blessing of watching my husband begin to really fight for his life and our marriage- to snatch them back from the hands of the enemy. It has been a wonderful encouragement to watch and also a spiritual battlefield in our lives.

As he closed his personal facebook account, I stood in amazement at God working in such a little thing. He gave me the phone bill and asked me to call the company and have his text messaging, internet, and facebook turned off on his phone. I did so and he seemed relieved. We talked about having a program like SafeEyes in the future on our computer as a preventative measure, a good wall between him and temptation. I have watched him begin reading the word and praying again. He met with a friend and mentor and that was another positive step. We have started reading a book about marriage together, and praying together. All these things initiated by him. What a blessing!

The other day he said that he wanted to renew our vows- after he completes the freedom ministry. I think this is a wonderful idea! He has no idea how that has spoken to my womanly heart. How much hope that births in my spirit. He said he would call our pastor today and talk to him about it and find out if there were any steps we needed to complete before doing this. I stand in amazement at how when we step back and get out of God's way, He takes over and works a miracle where we have failed.

Communication has been better between us for the most part. Yesterday we took a spin on the crazy cycle but we both recognized it and later that night we were able to talk about it and reflect on how we might have done things differently. We both apologized and had the opportunity to ask for forgiveness for our lack of respect and lack of love toward each other. Another coin deposited into the love bank :) Another step in the right direction.

We have a long road ahead of us but I am convinced that we will get through this. I am convinced that we are stronger because of this and that God will use this. I sit here, so very thankful for the man God gave me to love and cherish in this life and so thankful for the restoration and redemption that is working itself out in our lives.

Lessons Learned

Through this battle for my marriage, which really took on a new dimension about two months ago, I have learned many lessons- often difficult ones. I share them now hoping they will somehow help another woman or man on this difficult but rewarding road of reclaiming their marriage back from the hands of the enemy.

I have learned that God is constant. Everything else in my life can change in a moment but God is faithful and true. He can strip away my husband, my children, my income, my friends, my family, and everything else. If I have God, I will be okay.

I have learned the power of godly love. There were times when I could have lost it, blown up over the situation or crumbled under the heartbreak but instead made the decision to love- even when in return I would be slapped (figuratively speaking) in the face for making the right choice. Choosing love doesn't mean the other person is right, it means you are choosing to do things God's way and God loves them and so you choose to react in love and kindness rather than in the flesh.

I have learned the power of just shutting up. The first six weeks I probably spent most of the time TALKING about the situation. Talking about how to fix it, talking to my husband about what he needed to do and had to do, talking to God about how much this has hurt me. On Thursday this week at my women's Bible study I committed to getting out of God's way and letting God do what He needed to do in my husband. I committed to continue praying with my husband but to not speak of the situation unless my husband brought it up or unless God specifically gave me something to say. Twenty four to forty-eight hours later my husband sent me an email (since he was out of state) telling me he was ready to do whatever it takes to fight for our marriage and get things right, and that he was tired of letting the enemy win. The fight isn't over yet- but God accomplished more in those two days than I or anyone else had in 6 weeks. Which brings me to my next point.

I've learned that only God speaks my husband's language. No, I'm not talking about love languages here- although knowing those are beneficial to a marriage. I'm talking actual heart-to-heart language. You see, God speaks to each of us uniquely and all my talking to my husband, trying to encourage him to do the right thing, trying to help him understand what so many people were asking of him and why they were asking those things, never got through to him. But the moment I began to understand that God is the only one who can speak into his heart in that way and let loose the controls, things began to change a little at a time.

I've learned that living in freedom is a daily walk. Each morning we get up and must put on the armor of God and claim our freedom in Christ. Neglecting to do this is going into battle without any weapons- we will be defeated in a matter of moments. We must arm ourselves for the spiritual battle just as well as we would arm ourselves for a physical battle.

I've learned that I am NOT my circumstances, NOT my problems, NOT my husband's problems, and NOT my wounds. I am someone entirely beautiful and beloved of God. I am His daughter. I am strong in ways I never saw, and beautiful in ways that only God can see. He cherishes me and finds value in me. Who I am, is not a settled question. But my identity is first as a daughter of God, and second as the person God created me to be- whoever she is. Beyond that I am a GOOD mother, a GOOD wife, and a GOOD friend. God is slowly revealing my person, but it is taking time and my personality seems to be taking shape as I walk in my God-given freedom and in the power of the Holy Spirit.

I've learned that even in a bleak reality, God grants hope. My circumstances don't own me. Even when the world is crumbling, I can have confidence that God is in control, that He can work things out for my good and His glory, and that I can look forward to the future. The clouds won't always be gray. The sun won't always be hidden.

I've learned the importance of having one or two godly women in my life who can provide support, encouragement, and wisdom and speak into my life. Women who pray with me and hold me accountable for my own issues. I am thankful for these women in my life and cherish the relationships that are developing there.

Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm sure I will have more as I continue on this journey to reclaim my marriage alongside my husband. God is good and He desires His best for us. He doesn't do anything half way!

Hope for the Future

A wise frend of mine told me recently to visualize my life beyond all these storms. What will it look like? What will I have possibly learned? How will I be transformed?

I sat here thinking about this tonight... Sorry, I just had an intense urge to go outside and watch the sky turn dark. Be back to this in a few....

Ahhh, the goodness of God. I don't know what it is about my backyard but something about it is amazingly peaceful. It's not the most beautiful piece of creation but it certainly draws me closer to my heavenly Father.

As I sat there tonight, I asked God to show me that He was here. He sent me some chirping crickets- a perfect ochestra for my poetic heart. It is such a blessing to know that He is here with me, and cares enough to show me that fact. What a loving Daddy.

The wind blew softly this evening as the sun was setting, and as the wind blew past me I heard a still small voice in my heart. "Child, I love you. I see you. I hear your prayers," it seemed to say to me. I smiled and thanked God for His creation, His ability to speak to me through that creation, and His enduring and unconditional love. There is so much hope in Jesus. So much joy and peace.

I felt the change the minute I walked out the door and sat down. My spirit settled, and my mind stilled for a few moments. I was at peace and my soul had a song all it's own. There is something amazing about it all, some divine gift that only my heart can see. Who else in my family experiences these moments in the backyard?

My children find happiness, playing and chasing each other around the green expanse with a hedge of trees running from one end of the yards end to the other. My husband finds quiet time in his dimly lit shop or standing watch over the grilling meat. Those are good things. But what I find there is a sanctuary, a restorative place for my heart and spirit. A place that invites, no welcomes the voice of God and speaks to my very innermost parts.

My foster mom has a place like this- or at least she did when I lived there. It was her deck. She used to sit out there summer, winter, fall, spring. I always thought it peculiar, but I understand it now. That was her place to talk to God- to lay her own heart bare before Him and to study His word and find renewal for her spirit. It spoke to her the way my blotchy green backyward speaks to me. Something about nature must have been designed by God to nurture our spirits. Going to the beach often breathes poetry into my words. Sitting in my backyard breathes life into my bones, peace into my heart. Where do you get away that speaks to you this way?

The hope of God. The hope of God says that I will not always be here. That we will move beyond these places. I believe in my heart that we will- I include my husband in this. I do not know God's plan or how He will accomplish it but I know it is God's desire to restore and strengthen and reclaim our marriage and our lives. I know that God desires His best for us and for our children. I also know that my heavenly Father is so much stronger than the enemy who is attacking us. So the future looks bright when I think of it in terms of God's will and promises. His Word says that He desires to bring us a hope and a future. That's enough to keep on hanging on for now :)

Lord thank You for Your amazing creation and for the way You speak to my heart. Thank You for Your peace, joy, and love that You give so freely. Thank You for the reminder that You hear the cries of our hearts. Teach us to listen more to Your heart and a little less to our own. Amen